Potty all the time

After accidentally walking in on an 8 year old boy in the ladies restroom at the airport, I began questioning whether or not it was appropriate for him to be in there. Getting back in line, I paid close attention to see if the boy entered the bathroom on his own without a parent’s knowledge, something a humorous or devious boy would certainly be capable of, and potentially even get a good laugh or enjoy an interruption from a stranger. He exited the stall and took the sink next to his mother to wash his hands and they exited together chatting, breaking my theory dirty little boy sneaking into the bathroom theory. This incident poses the following question: at what age does it become inappropriate for a boy to be in the women’s bathroom?

Every child is different, so it is not fair to declare a blanket age when a boy should no longer be in the women’s bathroom. It is important to develop criteria that take into account the physical and emotional development of the child in question. For those who are unable to develop their own litmus test for determining if they should accompany their child into a public restroom, I would like to offer the following guidelines for determining if it is okay to bring a child into an opposite sex public rest room:

• Does your child need help wiping themselves?: This goes without saying, if your child is unable to successfully wipe themselves without making a complete mess of their hands, clothes, toilet, body, etc., then a parent can accompany them into the bathroom.


• Can your child reach the seat?: If your child is likely to make a mess on the floor or seat due to their inability to reach, then it is appropriate to give them a boost.


• Will your child fall in?: A no brainer; no one wants to see a child drown in a public toilet.


• Is your child likely to flush?: This is a gray area for a variety of reasons, with the primary reason being inconsistency; not many children remember to flush 100% of the time. If your child remembers to flush more then 50% of the time, then it is okay for them to go to the bathroom themselves. Many adults in public restrooms forget, so it is certainly forgivable when a child forgets.


• Will your child remember to wash their hands?: A non-issue, every parent carries anti-bacterial soap and wipes these days, they can wash their hands after they leave the bathroom.


• Will your child lock themselves in the stall?: A child locking themselves in the stall could be a very traumatic event in their lives. If they do not possess the dexterity to adequately maneuver the locking mechanism, then they need help in a public restroom. If they are purposely locking themselves in the restroom as a joke or a way to torment adults, then they should be punished accordingly for being a snot-nosed brat.


• Will your child stop up the sink and flood the bathroom?: May I suggest military school?


• Am I taking my child into the bathroom for my convenience?: If the only reason to take a child into the bathroom is to make life easier, then it is time to cut the cord and let them live a little. How can a child learn to be independent if they are not allowed to do their business on their own? If you are worried about kidnappers and pedophiles then designate an amount of time that is appropriate and then call into the bathroom, or ask an old man (or lady) to keep an eye out for you. The whole world is not evil and this is part of it taking a village to raise a child.


• Does your boy become physically aroused at the site of women?: If they can get their kicks peeking under the stalls at other women, then they should not be given the opportunity to do so.


• Would a little girl of the same age in the men’s room be appropriate?: A double standard exists when it comes to children in the restroom of the opposite sex. Sure, there is more for a little girl to witness at the urinal wall in a men’s room, but this double standard certainly poses issues with single Dads of little girls and fathers being out and about with their children, sans Mom. If every woman asked “How would I feel if my daughter went into the Men’s room at this age,” we would most certainly have fewer boys inappropriately in the ladies room, and children gaining the skills necessary to truly declare they are potty trained.

I Moved my Cheese

You might be a victim of an abusive relationship and don’t even know it. Typically, people think of abuse as physical and between romantic partners or parent and child. This limited view of abuse misses a wide range of harm inflicted through non-physical means within a variety of associations, including relationships with friends, co-workers and superiors.

Emotional abuse can be delivered verbally and non-verbally with subtle actions not immediately recognized by the victim or their family and friends. The wounds inflicted by emotional abuse develop over a period of time as the abuser chips away at the self-confidence of their victim with the goal of gaining compliance and control. The abuser gains power over their victim through threats, intimidation, blame, yelling, criticism, shame, possessiveness, violence towards objects or pets, isolation and entrapment, brainwashing the victim to believe there is no way out.

The cycle of abuse follows often follows a very distinct and classic pattern. Different publications refer to the stages by different names, but most align with the following:

• Tension Building and Abuse: In this stage, the abuser builds tension through control and manipulation of their victim. This can be done imposing limits and controls on the victim’s financial, social, religious or familial freedoms. Jealously and possessiveness are used as an additional means of control and the victim is restricted directly or through fear on who they contact, where they can go and when they can do things; isolating the victim from help and support and creating a sense of fear and dependency. As tension increases, the victim gives in to the abuser, attempting to keep the peace.


• Making-Up: When confronted by the victim, the abuser may apologize for behavior and promises to make changes to continue the relationship. The longer the abuse continues, the more likely an abuser will often shift blame for the incident to their victim or deny anything ever happened rather than apologize. At this point, the victim’s self-esteem is eroded and the abuser has successfully trained the victim concede.


• Calm: During the calm stage, an abuser acts like nothing ever happened. Promises made during 'making-up' stage may be met and the victim will have a false sense of security that the cycle is over. The “Calm” stage could last hours, months or even years, but without true acknowledgement of the issues and professional help, the cycle will begin to repeat itself again with the “tension building” stage.

There are long-term effects on the victim of abuse, often referred to as battered person syndrome, which include dangerously low self-esteem, depression, increased alcohol or drug use, loss of friends and family, job performance issues and withdrawal from life. The victim has trouble recognizing the effects of their abuse and often needs help to see how their life is spiraling out of control. Like physical abuse victims, those suffering from emotional abuse return repeatedly to their abuser. The longer the abuse continues, the more help the victim needs to break the pattern and re-claim their lives.

I “survived” an abusive relationship in my past with my employer; where management and executives controlled their employees through threats to salaries, vacation time, job security, family time and advancement. The entire organization was demoralized, convinced the treatment was deserved, developed inferiority complexes and thought no one else would hire them. Every time I began to recognize the effects of this abuse; the plummeting self-esteem, abuse of food and alcohol, feelings of hopelessness and depression, my employer would recognize the flight-risk and enter the “make-up” phase, showering gifts and attention or messages of bad job markets and horror stories from other employers to ensure I would stay. After a couple of years, I decided to take charge of my life and escape the abusive relationship, “breaking up” with my employer and moving on to another job.

Recently, I realized that I was again becoming a victim of an abusive employment situation with a position change that left me working in a toxic environment of passive-aggressiveness, control, manipulation, favoritism and distrust. Realizing this new position was going to cause long term issues and refusing to become a victim again, I worked with friends and family to take control and confront the issues, facing one of the “aggressors” and moving on to another position in the firm. Battered Person Syndrome is more common than many think, is not limited to physical abuse and can be inflicted by people you interact with everyday. A key to happiness and success is recognizing the issue, the symptoms and taking charge; no one should be a victim of emotional abuse.

Truth and Consequences

We make hundreds of decisions every day; each one builds upon the last, creating the moments that make up our lives. Every choice has a consequence and for the most part, the cause and effect of those choices are clear. We hit snooze to get extra sleep knowing the consequence could be lateness. We eat fatty foods although we are aware of the weight and health related consequences. We order an extra drink at happy hour recognizing it will make us late for dinner. Choices bear results, and we strive every day to make decisions that have positive results.

Sometimes, choices yield results we are unaware of. Today, I chose to hit the snooze button, then I choose a wrong turn, and later I chose to get coffee. On the surface, these choices seem quite ordinary and are ones forgotten by the end of the day, unless something happens because of those choices. What happened today was 90 minutes of standstill traffic on I-95. I cursed my need for a few extra minutes of sleep, berated myself for a caffeine addiction and believed wholly that these decisions put me behind whatever mess was occurring ahead, making me very late to work. Road rage consumed me and I was unable to do anything about it as cars all around idled.

Suddenly, we had movement and one by one vehicles passed a somber scene; a multi-car accident involving an 18-wheeler that ended up on top of a small car. Suddenly, ordinary decisions seemed quite extraordinary; we were passing the accident rather then being in it. Missing a meeting, burning a few bucks in gas and listening to bad morning radio was no big deal; the 9 minute snooze, the wrong turn and the venti latte saved my life.