Sex in the Suburbs

Some girls dream of love and marriage, house and babies; my dreams revolved around becoming a power single in Washington, D.C. A series of events derailed those dreams, first foregoing work on Capitol Hill and then meeting the love of my life at the ripe old age of 21. Shortly after meeting the future Mr. Blondebombchelle, HBO launched their groundbreaking series “Sex and the City.” With every episode I laughed, cried, and mourned the end of my swinging single self. As each season progressed so did my relationship with Mr. Right, from friendship to marriage, with all the ups and downs that any relationship experiences.

However, as much as I love Sex and the City, it was difficult to watch these smart, attractive, successful women focus so much on finding a relationship and not embrace the freedom and joy they possessed. Sex and the City is not the only show that portrays single women on the hunt for a husband. If anything, Samantha, the sex crazed, “act like a man” character on the show, was a breath of fresh air in the entertainment industry that fuels an invisible war between the married and the single. She did not see marriage as the road to happiness and instead found happiness in herself, her career, and her friends. Perhaps she knew something that only a failed marriage could teach Charlotte; a wedding isn’t the finish line to finding happiness. Carrie did pose the question; “Is there a secret cold war between marrieds and singles?” There probably is; the grass is always greener on the other side, but there is far more press devoted to the trials and tribulations of a single person than the struggles of coupledom. Relationships are not easy, even the best ones, but that reality is never portrayed or published in our “happily ever after” world. Even in friendships there is a somewhat unspoken code not to divulge the less than stellar points of being married to your single friends. Saying “I Do” doesn’t make the issues and questions that the ladies of Sex and the City, and other single woman across the globe, have go away. If anything, getting married amplifies some of the problems and struggles because you have to work through them rather then just break up and move on. After tying the knot I realized a dirty little secret that would knock Carrie and her friends out of their Manolos; marriage comes with many of the same issues faced by being single.

“How often is normal?” (Season 1): I remember reading about a couple who included frequency of sexual activity into their wedding vows; no less than 3 times a week and no more than 5, and thought to myself, “wonder how long they’ll keep that up?” Normal is a relative term influenced by personalities, life events, free time, present health, work stress, kids, dogs, etc.

“Are there still certain things in relationships one should never say?” (Season 2): For those who believe there are no secrets in marriage, try asking a friend about their mother-in-law in front of their spouse and see if you get a much different answer then what they say to you behind closed doors. Even after marriage there are some things never to say in the relationship, things that are just not important or worth the consequences. Topics to consider adding to the “never say it to your spouse” category include hair loss (or odd growth), bowel movements, the hot person at the office, and in-laws.

“Are all men freaks?” (Season 2): Yes.

''Is it better to 'fake it' than be alone?'' (Season 2): This was in reference to faking happiness and strength in a relationship rather then being single. Honestly, I can think of nothing more miserable then pretending to be happy with a person because of fear of being single. Single does not automatically mean lonely and couples settling down in bad relationships can feel more forlorn then any single. Eventually the reality of a poor relationship is realized. All faking it accomplishes is wasting time that could be spent finding happiness.

''Can you be friends with an ex?'' (Season 2): This is a dicey one that can only be answered on a case by case basis. All I can say is the question still comes up once you are married, especially in the day and age of the internet where long lost ex’s can pop up in an instant. Personally, after nearly 7 years of marriage, I don’t care who he’s friends with, heck I can barely remember my own details of my past relationships. When it comes down to ex’s who are still friends it is all about trust in your partner and confidence in yourself; married or not.

“What constitutes cheating?” (Season 2): Again, this is something best addressed on a relationship by relationship basis but the question still exists after vows are exchanged. Some married couples engage in extramarital activities considered adulterous in 49 states but are perfectly fine with the arrangement. On the extreme side other couples have a hissy fit if their spouse makes eye contact with another person. It is important to set the ground rules early to avoid any issues and misunderstandings.

“Can you change a man?” (Season 2): No.

“How do you know if you’re good in bed?” (Season 3) : Marriage doesn’t necessarily make performance insecurities go away, but it should provide a comfortable and safe environment to address those insecurities and improve.

“In Relationships, what are the deal breakers?” (Season 3): Over 50% of marriages end in divorce so there are deal breakers after the wedding. While there are some people who give up too quickly when the going gets tough, there are some very legitimate deal breakers like abuse, infidelity, addictions, discovering homosexuality, or becoming a Red Sox fan.

“Do we need drama to make a relationship work?” (Season 3): As an Italian (German-Swedish-English-Irish-Finnish-Czech)-American I know drama. I grew up surrounded by couples who created drama, a way to make their relationships more passionate. Perhaps they picked up too many relationship tips from Soap Operas, because good relationships don’t need to be dramatic to be good. Drama is exhausting.

“Can we have it all?” (Season 3): In the words of the great Rolling Stones: you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

“In a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising?” (Season 4): This is one of the most profound questions Carrie posed in all six seasons of Sex and the City. Relationships take plenty of compromise, and ideally it works out to be 50/50, but maintaining that 50/50 is a struggle. It is too easy for one person to take on more then their fair share, or give in to the other more often then not. I see other people compromise their opinions, values, time, and opinions to their spouses quite often and wonder myself when it is no longer compromising for the sake of a relationship and just being a doormat.

“As we speed along this endless road to the destination called who-we-hope-to-be, I can’t help but whine, “are we there yet?” (Season 4): One of the biggest misconceptions people have about getting married. The wedding is not a destination; it is just the addition of another person along for the ride.

Marriage is no walk in Central Park and comes along with a whole host of challenges that people associate with being single and the dating scene. Marriage is hard work, but is worth all the sacrifice and struggle when you meet the right person? In the words of Mr. Big, “Absofuckinglutely.”

Who's That Girl?

I recently received a letter from a law firm that a credit card company “misplaced” a box containing computer back-up tapes that contained pretty much my financial life story. Like any good company that screws their customers royally, a risk mitigation strategy went into effect to safeguard my identity. Included in this strategy is a free subscription to Triple Alert, a service that will alert me if anything fishy pops up on my credit report. Haunted by the thought of working in a restaurant wearing a pirate costume and singing to tourists in T-shirts, I decided it was wise to sign up for this service and monitor for security breaches or other potential credit issues, just in case. Much to my surprise, I discovered there was something fishy on my credit report.

Risking sounding like a braggart, I have excellent credit (the credit report said so!) with nearly 15 years of picture perfect activity. No overdue accounts, no collections, high credit indicating good financial experience, and my student loans are paid in full. Our fairly new mortgage leaves a rather high balance, and I still have some time left to pay off the Jeep, but those loans be taken care of in due time. Credit-wise there were no real surprises on the report except a credit card for the Limited evidently not cancelled and inactive since January 2002. It was my personal information that included something surprising, a section titled “also known as.”

Apparently I have an alias unknown to me until today. Not the 9 instances of my misspelled name, but a name totally different than my own. Somehow the credit companies think I also carry around the moniker Michelle “my husband’s last name.” For those who don’t know me, or haven’t caught up with my blog postings to go wayyyyyy back to 2005, my husband opted to keep his maiden name and so did I. This is one issue I am incredibly opinionated on; I even contribute to the Lucy Stone League, an organization campaigning to change the widespread practices of wives taking husbands' surnames at marriage and of children being given fathers' surnames. Yet for some reason, nearly 7 years after saying I do, people still require a reminder that my husband and I carry different surnames.

Names are an important key to what a society values. Anthropologists recognize naming as 'one of the chief methods for imposing order on perception.
- David S. Slawson

Apparently I needed to inform the credit agencies of this decision as well, because all the major agencies had me with an alias of Michelle “My husband’s last name.” There has never been a single official document with my last name as anything other then the one I was born with, yet on my credit report there was this completely different name. The 9 different spellings, although annoying, are to be expected with a last name of multiple syllables, but a totally different last name? I felt like I was stealing someone else’s identity as I read the report and couldn’t for the life of me figure out how this mistaken identity happened. My husband and I are both on our mortgage with our own names, and share a credit card account set up with each of our names. These are the only documents I could see triggering this presumptuous change to my list of names. Presumptuous not only that I took on his name, but that we were even married.

As annoying and time consuming as this was, it was probably far less work then any hassle people who change their names experience. It took about a half-dozen phone calls, but I got this other woman’s name expunged from my credit history (and cancelled the Limited credit card). I reprinted the reports and now feel like I’m back to my old self.

Settling Downer

Carl Weisman surveyed over fifteen-hundred single men looking for answers to the age old question heard from older, well-meaning relatives; why aren’t you married yet? Only 8% of the men surveyed said they had no intention of ever being married. What the survey revealed is not a gender of playboys, players, commitment-phobes, or losers but a generation or two who learned from the failed unions of parents, friends, and others that a bad marriage is worse then no marriage at all. When interviewed, Carl Weisman reported that the men surveyed were not unhappy with their single status or “walk around all day worried about being married,” but lived happy lives filled with friendships and careers that would be jeopardized by a failed marriage. Some people can argue these men are being too picky, selfish, narrow-minded or egotistical but honestly, don’t we all know a few women who can learn a thing or two from these results?

Know what you want: Maybe women have more pressure to “settle down” and find themselves a good husband, or maybe for some it is the siren song of their biological clock, but far too many women put more time and thought into their next haircut than what they are looking for in a spouse. Defining what you want, and do not want, in a relationship probably sounds unromantic to women who grew up with Cinderella stories and thoughts of princes dancing in their heads, but if you don’t know what you want out of life how will you find it? After a particularly bad relationship in college, a girlfriend and I actually wrote a description of what type of person we were looking to date. Our failed relationships taught us a lot about what we were looking for, and what we weren’t. This silly little exercise helped me avoid some dead-end relationships and bad dates. Why waste time getting to know someone who doesn’t like dogs if your life is incomplete without animals, who wants a large family when you dislike children, or who eats only because our bodies require food when you are a budding gourmet? Knowing yourself, understanding what you are looking to get out of a relationship, and realizing where you are not willing to settle are important ways to gauge whether someone deserves the other half of your mattress for the rest of your life.

Understand you are valuable: Now perfection does not exist but there is such a thing as lowering the bar too far. If you are looking for Dane Cook and you look like a Great Dane, spousal expectations in the looks department might need recalibrating to a more attainable goal. When looking for a relationship it is important to be realistic but also understand “your worth.” Low self-esteem, desperation, desire to escape a situation, or rebounding from a past relationship are just a few of the many reasons women settle for less than they deserve. While we might not all be beautiful enough to snag George Clooney or smart enough to engage in conversation with a brain surgeon, every woman deserves to be in a relationship where she is happy, healthy, loved, respected, and treated well. Everyone is valuable enough to be with a person who keeps their fists, verbal bashing and mental abuse to themselves.

Comfy not necessarily cozy: Do you know people who cling onto a relationship like their favorite old ratty sweatshirt just because it is comfortable? When a relationship gets to a point where you are embarrassed to wear it outside chances are it should be trashed. The time to meet Mr./Ms. Right could pass right under your nose while you are spending time with Mr./Ms. Okay for Now. If your goal is to get married, stop wasting your time with someone who isn’t marriage material.

Compete to Win: From an early age men are encouraged to strive for the best and become winners in sports, academics and friendships. Thirty-six years after the passage of Title IX, which gave women equal access to participate in federally funded educational programs, including sports, a gap in female competitiveness still exists. Parents are often guilty of making boys more competitive and girls more diplomatic, a much more “lady-like” quality. Whether it is because of nature or nurture, women are often less competitive then their male counterparts. Does being less competitive mean women are more compromising within relationships? Compromise is a huge part of a relationship but no one should compromise so much that they lose their competitive edge and themselves in the process.

We’re not picky, we’re savvy consumers: Women receive advice from family, friends, books and other publications to stop being so picky or they’ll never get married. Yet when women are not picky they are labeled as being desperate or easy. This attitude might seem ludicrous and outdated, but I have seen friends berated by their mothers, aunts, sisters and cousins; including one friend whose parents were livid at her inability to “snag a husband” prior to her college graduation, blaming it on her being too “persnickety” with men.

A few writers and pundits are trying to convince women they are too picky in relationships. They should settle for less than true love or, god forbid, risk being alone and giving up marriage, children, a house with a white picket fence, and all the other things women are convinced they should want out of life. Ironically women are encouraged to be more selective with large consumer purchases like cars, but are berated when applying the same level of analysis and scrutiny to men. Those who encourage people to settle in relationships think that being married to the wrong person is better than being alone. Newsflash; there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. True loneliness is experienced not when in a room by oneself, but when sharing a life with a person who might as well be a stranger.

Getting married to avoid being alone does not cure loneliness. Marriage is hard work and marrying Mr. or Ms. “They’ll do” will only lead to regret, disappointment, hardship, and loneliness. Passion, romance and love help couples survive mundane details of marriage and the times when they really don’t like each other very much (and those times happen to even the happiest of couples). Given the alternative, isn’t it is better to be fussy before the wedding then disappointed afterwards? Maybe if women (and men) were pickier in the first place the divorce rate in the United States would not be hovering over 50%.

“In a city of great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?”

“Is it better to fake it than to be alone?”

- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em: Men have looked at long term relationships and marriages more practically for generations if only for simple financial reasons; women’s gains in divorce settlements meant men had more to lose if a marriage went south. As women gain power and financial equality they hold better cards in the relationship game and consequently, have more at stake to lose in a divorce and more opportunities to fold their hand in hopes of better deal. Many women have the security and the means to keep playing the game, but just like Vegas; sometimes people fold and give up the winning hand in relationships. A good player knows when a hand is for keeps.

Marriage is a journey, not a destination: Women have it drilled into their head by books, magazines, friends, television, culture and religion that marriage must be checked off their to-do list “or else.” Feminists often tout that “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle,” but try telling that to a woman in her thirties infected by baby rabies and dreaming of a wedding and family. Suddenly even strong, successful women find themselves sacrificing their expectations in a partner and marry someone less than ideal to complete the task of getting married. Women then become focused on planning the perfect wedding to the imperfect spouse and forget the wedding is one day and then it is on to the marriage. Men rarely focus on becoming a groom for a day and are more likely to remain focused on what the wedding really is, the first day of the rest of their lives with a person.

Women often hold their boyfriends on higher pedestals than husbands and allow men to “slide” into poor relationship habits after the wedding. Women are equally guilty at some of these changes, putting little effort into the marriage after all the hard work put into the wedding. It is not okay to lower our standards after becoming a “done deal.” Even worse are women who think men will change when they say “I do.” If a man is a jerk before you get married he will be a jerk after the wedding day.

Don’t Worry, Get Happy: It is a vicious cycle for many women who are unhappily single, start dating someone to only find they still aren’t happy and either get dumped because of their unhappiness or do the dumping. Lather, rinse, repeat. Don’t go looking for happiness in marriage if you are not happy with yourself; no marriage in the world will fix that. One of the most fascinating findings of Carl Weisman’s survey of single men is that for the most part they were happy with their lives and did not need marriage to complete them. Women who adopt this same attitude and see themselves as whole without a spouse, who define their happiness through who they are (and not who they are connected with), know what they want out of life, and know what they are worth would rather be alone then settle for anything less than they deserve.

Taking the relationship offline

The closest I get to online dating is helping friends find a good match, write an eye-catching profile or recover from a bad date. Having picked up my husband the old fashion way, in a bar, my knowledge of online dating etiquette is quite limited. While our long distance relationship forced us to do a fair amount of “courting” through email, we did not have to wrestle with common online dating dilemmas: who to write, what to say, when to wink, if to take the relationship “off-line”, and how to meet in person. In the past I used to think that online dating was a passing fad, but the large number of my friends navigating the complex world of Match.com, eHarmony, Yahoo! Personals, Chemistry.com, DateMyPet.com, Millionaire Match, and a host of other websites is proving me wrong; online dating is probably the most common dating tool among the tech-set these days. I cannot help but wonder, with the millions of people meeting people online year after year, has the overall rules of dating changed?

It is obvious that how people meet has changed, but ultimately “real” relationships should not have transformed with the onslaught of dating and social networking websites. Whether you met online, in college, at work, through a friend, at the gym, on an airplane, or at a bar, there is a certain point in every relationship that how you met no longer matters. It is at that point that the rules of internet relationships get replaced by the more traditional tenants of any friendship, romantic or otherwise: respect, honesty, trust, loyalty, admiration, understanding, shared interests, and open communication. Unfortunately it seems like these important pillars of strong relationships are forgotten in a technology age where people have “friends” they never meet, and where everyone can all too easily lie about their backgrounds, looks, personality, interests and dreams.

It is easy to develop very casual relationships online and make “friends” on Facebook, MySpace, Multiply or any other social networking site or chat board, but this same casualness with a group of people who might share your love of underwater basket weaving should not change how you handle your flesh and blood friends. When I say handle I mean not replacing meaningful conversations, face-to-face meetings, heartfelt phone calls, and the delivery of important news through impersonal measures like email or, god forbid, text messaging. It is one thing to have an online relationship, but once you have developed a true bond with a person and started seeing, or having sex, with them outside of cyberspace, rules that govern relationships should adhere to the wisdoms of traditional tried and true friendships. It is okay to start a relationship online, but once the relationship develops into something serious it is not okay to end it that way. Breaking up with a friend or lover through email or text shows a lack of courage, respect and character, even if you met over email in the first place. Technology might change the way we meet and connect, but it is so important to remember people are more then profiles and avatars who can be “de-friended” with a click of a button. We must each fight the urge to take the easy way out of hard conversations to ensure a future for what truly keeps humanity together; love and friendship.

Take Me Out to the Broadway

For the record, Operation Embrace Winter was an astounding failure. The weather did not cooperate with my goals and it was impossible to enjoy winter sports that are mostly dependant on snow, something we got in December when it turned ugly and icy and stayed that way until this week. The lakes were well iced over but walking on ice with the pups was not the best idea as my husband could not join us and risk further injury to his shoulder already in a sling. Luckily the nasty, long season that is winter is almost behind us and rather then focus on my winter recreation plans that did not materialize I can communicate instead another goal that I actually completed last night. My lack of enthusiasm for living in the mid-west is well known as I yearn to be closer to family and my east coast centric view of civilization. Since moving back east is not on the immediate horizon it became necessary to embrace some of the finer things the Twin Cities has to offer. As locals know, Minneapolis is second only to New York in the number of theatre seats per capita and for me personally the accessibility of downtown is the one thing Minneapolis does have over Manhattan. Through the years we caught a production here and there but rarely with any consistency which is why we decided to purchase Broadway Across America season tickets to ensure we had 6 show dates on our calendar. This week marked the end of our subscription season and the Hennepin Theatre District saved the best for last.

The Wedding Singer was the first production on the schedule. The movie is in my top ten for romantic comedies and I was looking so forward to an evening of cheesy 80s music and a feel-good love story. Unfortunately the show left us wondering if our purchase of two tickets for 6 shows was one of the least wise investments ever made. The stage production of The Wedding Singer can be easily summed up in one word; horrible. All the music not written by Adam Sandler for the movie was left out of the show, more then likely because the rights to songs by A Flock of Seagulls, Spandau Ballet and Madonna would have sunk their production budget. Part of the movie’s appeal is the soundtrack and without those familiar songs the musical did not feel very musical. The Wedding Singer is a pretty simple movie but the chemistry between Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore was believable and instantly made the film a classic romantic comedy. The woman who played Julia was so sweet she was saccharine and Robbie had pipes but no personality. The one standout in the show was the Boy George lookalike character, George, who stole the show.

Disney’s The Lion King was the next show to roll into town. We decided to take our “niece” Sophie to see the production. We discovered in the first 30 seconds of the show that poor Sophie had a small fear of the dark and I quickly learned how skilled I was running up an aisle filled with actors dressed as animals on the African plains with a 3 and a half year old in my arms. The theatre staff got us a seat to watch the show on their hallway TV and we realized Sophie just wasn’t ready for the show and her Dad came to get her. That is where the whole Minneapolis being accessible thing really came in handy, can anyone from Long Island imagine running to Manhattan to pick up their kid so Aunt Shelf and Uncle wadE could catch the rest of the show? We did catch most of the show and it was… okay. Like most Disney shows it was visually spectacular; the costumes, the lights, the special effects. I think my disappointment was a case of high-expectations that just were not met. My only experience seeing a Disney Musical was a production of Beauty and the Beast at the Kennedy Center which was amazing. The Lion King was good but it was not as well done as other shows and the story is really not among my top Disney favorites (and you cannot believe how upset I am that the Broadway version of The Little Mermaid received terrible reviews). We did learn from very sympathetic parents in our section that we should take Sophie to the Minneapolis Children’s Theatre where the lights are always on.

Avenue Q is Sesame Street for adults, but only adults who can handle songs with somewhat uncomfortable topics and puppets having sex. Songs like “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist,” "What do you do with a B.A. in English?,” “It Sucks to be Me,” and “The Internet is for Porn” teach more valuable life lessons “C is for Cookie” or “Sign, You’re a Friend of Mine” ever could. Of course the musical did have me question what was really behind the Sesame Street classics “Rubber Duckie” and “Doin’ the Pigeon,” but I digress. We loved the show; the concept of Sesame Street for Adults, the provocative songs, the performers. The only thing we loved more then the show was the audience reaction to the show. At 32 years old we are not your average theatre patron. Playbill has a section called “The Playbill Reader” so advertisers know the type of audience they can target. The average Playbill reader is 45.9 years old, has an annual household income of $132,240 and a median home value of $476,315, so the average member of the audience was slightly appalled at some of Avenue Q’s content. The row of older women in front of us and their gasps were almost as entertaining as the show. During intermission they were talking and horrified that “Gertrude was seeing tomorrow night’s performance and she’s going to faint.” After the final curtain I was personally appalled at the number of people who got up and left without even so much as a golf clap, rude! Kudos to the writers of this edgy show, if shows don’t start looking at capturing different audiences theatre could find themselves without patrons in another 20 years.

Sweeny Todd is one of my favorite shows, and the last production I saw at the Kennedy Center was nothing short of haunting. We avoided seeing Johnny Depp’s screen version so The Husband would not have the show spoiled. The cast was amazingly talented but the show again fell short of expectations. The director’s interpretation and translation of the script was awful. The sound was off. It was hard to follow, difficult to hear and overall seemed disjointed which was a shame because the actors were Tony winners straight from Broadway which we thought would make up for a “Law and Order” free cast. Through the years we have read the Playbill and the number of actors who appeared on “Law and Order” has a direct correlation on the quality of the show; more “Law and Order” guest appearances means a better stage production. So even though the stage was packed with Tony Award winners our “Law and Order” Theory remained strong.

My Fair Lady was the one show The Husband was fighting me on, even going so far as to pawn the tickets on girlfriends who would enjoy the show more then him. I tried to persuade him to go based upon his need to expand his cultural literacy through seeing this classic and timeless show but ultimately he went because we mixed up the date on our calendar and realized about 7 hours before show time that the show was not the following week. I am happy to report that The Husband enjoyed the production which was professionally done with great costumes, stage direction and a top notch cast. We were fortunate to attend an evening where Eliza Doolittle was being played by an actress participating in a actor exchange program; she plays Eliza in the production in London’s West End. The pompous and arrogant Henry Higgins fast became a new hero of The Husband and suddenly I was being referred to as “you impudent hussy!”

Jersey Boys, the story of The Four Seasons, was a huge award winner on Broadway and some of the cast was straight from the original production. Upon entering the theatre I had an instant good laugh at the warning posted at the box office; “Jersey Boys is not recommended for children under the age of 12. The characters use coarse ‘authentic Jersey’ language throughout, and the show also includes sexual situations.” As I speak fluent “authentic Jersey” I didn’t need subtitles. Songs that are instantly recognizable does enhance the theatre experience but the intense energy of the cast and fast-paced script were nothing short of incredible. As a season ticket holder you actually begin to recognize and have conversations with other season ticket holders and by the sixth show we knew many of the people around us. The woman sitting next to me had been trying to figure out for 4 shows what actress I looked like and finally declared “Sarah Michelle Gellar” as she took her seat; we had given her that name as a possibility early in her struggle to find the name but she needed to catch some old Buffy re-runs to make the connection herself. This same woman wondered if we would enjoy the show nearly as much as the rest of the audience who had followed Frankie Valli long ago. While I’m not sure if I left the production with the same level of nostalgia felt by the baby boomers among us the songs were all recognizable; my parents are baby boomers with a love of music.

A quote from Jersey Boys which I instantly adopted as my own:

"I'm maybe the one Italian out of a hundred who's not into the drama!"
- Bob Gaudio, The Four Seasons

Before Jersey Boys we questioned whether we were going to renew next year’s subscription and much of that will have to do with what shows come to The Hennepin Theatre District, but the final show was so good that chances are good we will get some ticket package even if it is not the full season. After 6 plus years of marriage it is easy to fall into a boring routine and forget to explore all the fun in your own back yard. Buying season tickets forced us to have unique and fun date nights on our calendar and the quality of the shows, although mostly good, were not nearly as important as making sure we continue doing things that improve our quality of life and strength of our relationship.

Kama Spin Cycle

A recent study concluded that couples who have their better half take on the brunt of the household duties have less frequent sex then those couples who share household chores. This news circulated around my office about 8 times just before an email from my dear husband arrived informing me that he would be home cleaning the house for my post-work arrival. On the surface this looks like another of those “No shit, really? Someone gave you money to research this?” kind of studies addressing the obvious; in this case if you take away some of the factors, like housework, that cause people to be too tired or busy to engage in sexual activity that more sex happens. No ground was really broken with this study and much to the chagrin of men nationwide doing a load of laundry is not an automatic ticket to more sex.

The report opens up with the exciting news that men's contribution to housework doubled over the past four decades. Wow, great! Except 40 years ago only brings us to the late 60’s when the women’s movement just started gaining some steam. The use of “doubled” is accurate but misleading; men contribute to 30 percent of work in the house, up from an abysmal 15 percent. Can 30 percent really be considered a sign of increased household equality? The study did conclude that couples where both work outside are more apt to split household duties making the 30 percent contribution by men seem very low; one would assume with the rise of women, who are now contributing to family finances through full-time work, there would be a greater balance in sharing household duties.

It is easy to question the accuracy and statistical viability of this study when “household work” can fall within very loose interpretations. What is the definition of household duties used by responders in this study? To the defense of many men women often forget to include some of the contributions that are considered “men’s work” in the realm of the household. It is a massive generalization but men are often the ones carrying the burden of the outdoor work; lawn, shrubbery, asphalt, trash removal, grilling. On the flip side are other tasks that both men and women forget to include when assessing their list of household chores. These are referred to by sociologists such as Pamela Smock of UMICH as “invisible housework;” scheduling children’s doctors appointment (er, vet appointments), purchasing holiday gifts, arranging family gatherings, remembering birthday cards. These activities certainly take time and are contributions to the family unit but were doubtfully remembered by respondents as they estimated how much work they did thus leading to inaccuracies in the assessment.

Disparity between the contribution of men and women in the household can also be attributed to a choice made by many couples for one member of the family to take on greater responsibilities in the home versus working outside the home. Did the study take into account that women stay home more often than men and purposely take on a greater percentage of the household work through roles and responsibilities well established in the relationship? An imbalance of who cooks and cleans does not automatically denote gender inequality in a relationship. Housework is only one component of marital equality and all the labor it takes to keep a house running, inside and outside of the home, should be included in the workload equation. Where inequality does exist is in the disparity of which half of the couple gets saddled with running the home versus who finances the household operation; men still make up less then five percent of the stay-at-home parents.

The widespread media attention of this study is pretty sad. We are well cemented in the twenty-first century and we continue to discuss, debate, and deliberate the role of men and women in the house. Reading through comments posted by readers of various news sites were nothing short of heartbreaking. Far too many people saw the study as nothing but “feminist propaganda” aimed at “womanizing men” and giving women excuses to forego their “wifely duties.” There were actually comments focused on the virtues of marrying a less educated woman who would be more than happy to attend to their needs; apparently the fall of marriage and the world started the moment “fathers allowed their daughters to go to college and get jobs.”

After cleaning the vomit from my keyboard triggered by hundreds of comments from Neanderthals espousing their views of “women’s work” I could not help but wonder what kind of women these men were in contact with. Somewhere along the line these men were given permission, either overtly or tacitly, to believe that their role as a man was superior to women. These men learned not only that household duties were women’s work but also that these duties were not as important as their role of household “provider.” This view of women is perpetuated by women themselves who allow their role to be belittled, who see themselves as less worthy since they do not bring in a paycheck, who brush off help from spouses in their attempt to control the house, who see a father’s role as babysitter and not hands on parent, and who praise men for helping around the house as if it is above and beyond the call of duty.

Marriage is a partnership and a balance of tasks is a crucial element to successful relationships but shouldn’t have a tick sheet of who is contributing more or less to the union. Contributions ebb and flow and over the course of time the most successful marriages find a balance that allow both parties to thrive. Anyone who has played sports knows that successful teamwork includes each player doing a part in which they personally excel, understanding their roles and responsibilities, and respecting everyone on the team as equal contributors; a successful marriage is no different. Inequality on a team might win a game or two, but it's the team working together that wins the Super Bowl. Chances are if day after day, month after month finds one person ready to play in the sack and the other just wanting to collapse in it then there are greater marital imbalances then just who does the laundry, although gentlemen it might be worth a try to see what a little extra housework could get you.

Roll out the Crate and Barrel

Nearly seven years ago my family and friends began showering me and the husband with lavish gifts in celebration of our upcoming nuptials. Any bride and groom can attest that one of the most fun parts of wedding preparations is creating the wedding registry. It is like being a kid again as you walk around the store creating a list that even Santa would shutter at. I was reluctant to share my bridal registry lessons for fear of offending those who were so generous in showing their love for us. The years taught us some very valuable lessons on shopping for the home and if we knew then what we know now we would have dropped a better part of our day and tax return on pots and pans. This is not meant to offend, but enlighten anyone who is registering or just making purchases for their home. We thought we choose wisely but made mistakes because we did not ask ourselves the following questions; will we use it, can we replace it, will we like it in 10 years, and will it last.

Lesson 1: Will we use it?
After purchasing our first home we had a “been there, done that” attitude around living on our own and what it took to make a home. Like many couples today we had a cornucopia of his and hers items that needed to be shuffled through and discarded to make way for the “ours” items. These discussions (arguments perhaps) present a great opportunity to understand each other’s personal style and how different we do simple things; just choosing which drawer should contain the flatware led to some discoveries on the interesting baggage we each brought from our own families. Compromise became a key component in registering to settle the conflicting viewpoints on everything from glasses to gadgets.

One thing we did not need to compromise on is our love of the kitchen and how it would be a focus of our registering and purchasing which came as both a blessing and a curse. We danced around Crate and Barrel registering for everything from oven mitts (useful and used), to corn on the cob dishes (useful but rarely used), to a fragile olive dish (useless). The wedding industry is built around getting couples to buy the impractical and we were victims of the machine. The useful versus useless debate is very subjective and as unique as each couple. One couple’s cappuccino maker (ours only comes out on Easter and Thanksgiving) may be another’s fondue pot (we have blood running through our chesse system). Wedding or no wedding, we are each guilty of buying things we really don’t need and experiencing purchaser’s remorse. Two of the more useful gifts we received were an electric toothbrush from my friend Jules which we are guaranteed to use at least twice a day and a world clock from my bridesmaid Jooli marking time-zones so we always know what time it is where all our friends are living.

Lesson 2: Can we replace it?
It is important to research a product’s longevity to ensure replacement parts are readily available and if not back up supplies are purchased and stored. Many people experience the half-finished china collection after a patter is discontinued. We were incredibly cognizant of this with choosing our china (useless for some, often used for us). I was drawn to the very classic Lenox Solitaire, a timeless pattern introduced in 1965. This pattern was a bit too boring for my flamboyant husband (a trait not discovered or revealed prior to the engagement) and we chose Lenox’s Landmark Platinum, introduced in 1998 after my sister informed me that it was among Macy*s top sellers (many thanks to Kristen working in the retail industry and Mom for making sure my set was complete!). Unfortunately the matching Lenox Landmark Crystal Glasses were not as favorably received by the public and the patter was retired in 2004 leaving me and the other owners bidding against each other on ebay in an effort to accumulate enough back up glasses to survive a lifetime. Our flatware is also off the market which is very unfortunate as we recently discovered we were missing a fork.

Dishes are often the culprit of the can we replace it dilemma and our everyday dishes gave us that issue. Officially dubbed “seasonal-ware” by Crate and Barrel and warned the pattern would be available for only a short time we decided to fill our cupboards with the blue and green mosaic dishes after I convinced my husband that I was not the kind of passionate Italian who would throw dishes around in a fight. However, I am one of those passionate Italians who frequently talks with her hands and accidentally smashes dishes so we did over-purchase to ensure years of enjoyment out of the dishes. Unfortunately we probably underestimated the power of my passionate hands tenfold and are hoping that Crate & Barrel re-introduces the patter soon or we will be left with the decision to replace all our dishes or pay their exorbitant retired piece replacement prices.

Lesson 3: Will we like it in ten years?
One of the interesting things about marriage is how some differences soften and couples create their own unique sense of style leading to some major changes to how the nest was filled and decorated early in the relationship. It is difficult to prepare for these changes as they naturally grow from years of marriage. We discovered long after saying “I do” that the color of our small appliances, white, was all wrong. It sounds like a minor change but we were suddenly surrounded by dozens upon dozens contraptions that did not fit into our new sleek black appliance motif. We are still replacing each of the stark white machines one by one and were quite happy we purchased our black Kitchen Aid mixer a couple of years after the wedding (frequently used, don’t know how we lived without it).

Oddly enough one of our bigger regrets with our bridal registry was choosing a comforter for our bed. The style is not the issue, the comforter is beautiful, it is just comforters are just so hard to take care of and do little in actually keeping a person warm when sleeping. The comforter is now in our guestroom and unfortunately is the preferred puking location for each of our dogs and the comforter spends more time at the dry cleaner then covering people. Down comforters are now the bed covering of choice allowing us to change our colors and styles through duvets as well as washing those duvets at home when the dogs throw up a wad of grass in bed.

Luckily we avoided registering for or purchasing any decorative items until well into our marriage, ensuring we developed a style of our own rather then regretting what we thought was art. Our home is filled with photos, maps, globes, local memorabilia and Snoopy art which reflect our personalities perfectly.

Lesson 4: Will it last?
Our first lesson in “will it last” was our foolish decision to register at Target; will it last long enough on the shelves for people to actually buy it. We were reluctant to register at the discount giant but thought their widespread popularity and coast-to-coast locations would lend to easier shopping for all our guests. What we did not realize was Target has a tendency of changing their merchandise several times a year, switching brands and colors with the seasons without informing those with registries that their items are no longer available. That, coupled with an unfriendly return policy requiring a gift receipt for any purchase over $10, left us unhappy and with three cappuccino makers.

My grandfather used to say “you buy cheap, you get cheap” and we were penny wise and pound foolish with a few important items ultimately leading to our trip for new cookware today. We love to cook and in our years together have managed to go through 1 set of inexpensive cookware and another set of middle-of-the-road pots and pans. Today we finally began our Le Creuset collection and the cost of our two old sets easily equaled the cost of the high-end cookware with a lifetime warranty. Although in hind-sight it would have been more cost-effective to buy better cookware I am actually glad we waited; with age and anniversaries came the confidence to be a little crazy with color.
It is hard to avoid strange impulses when given free-reign over a store with a scanner and almost impossible to know how your tastes will change. Sticking to timeless, functional and quality items assures that most things will continue to be enjoyed for years to come.

About Faced

Ignoring people who trigger dreadful memories was once an option to suppress the anger, sadness and frustration over lost loves and friends. Those days are gone, replaced by an information age making it impossible to romanticize a past that just will not go away. It all started with “googling,” the guilty pleasure of searching old crushes, lovers, friends, and enemies and soon spun out of control with social networking websites aimed at connecting users to their past. The only thing more dreaded in cyberspace then the dilemma on whether to accept, reject or ignore a friend request is whether to send your own friend request to a forgotten friend.

Keeping up with friends and family around the globe is certainly easier with a connection online. Whether that connection is through email or a networking website the world just feels smaller knowing those you care about are only a few clicks away. Googling made it possible to find lost connections, those people whose memory remained vivid despite the passage of time. What was nice about googling was the ability to steer clear of those you chose to; the practice of looking people up was proactive and controlled, if you didn’t want to find someone chances are you wouldn’t. Even if you did find someone it was often difficult to actually contact them making random, unwanted correspondence rare. With a whole industry focused on online networking people can now come out of the woodwork, leading to mixed amounts of excitement and disappointment.

It is exciting and touching to hear from a missed friend, remember all the good times and be able to share in their “new” lives. Through the internet I have reconnected with my closest and best friend from my childhood after our college years separated us and found relatives who fill in missing gaps in my genealogy. The internet allows us to stay connected with family and friends who are thousands of miles away. It is also easier to keep in touch with friends who are busy raising their families and advancing their careers. It is fun to see the names and faces of people whom you once cared about and remember the time and memories shared.

The human mind is amazing in its capacity to suppress or alter painful memories. There are plenty of people our brains elect to forget for one painful, heart wrenching reason or another. Sometimes we recall ex-lovers more fondly then they deserve with the fog of time and distance dulling the heartbreak. It is these ghosts from relationships past that shock the system when they suddenly appear in a friend request. Even without a friend request is it hard not to be spooked by these ghosts when websites actually suggest names of people you could know, often with eerie levels of accuracy. Then you are forced into the quandary whether to befriend the individual or pretend their names are not staring at you from the screen. What makes the struggle worse is that same person is probably looking at your name in their profile wondering if they want to be friends with me still?

On a positive note, many have reconnected with their exes and old friends online to discover they were meant to be after all. How many people break up because priorities at that time focused on things other then relationships? Relationships are all about timing; what did not work 10 years ago can work great for people giving it another chance. Someone should conduct a study to see if re-connecting on social networking sites is a better way of finding love than on dating sites. Somehow I do not think match.com or eHarmony would like the findings.

Online friendships add a level of complexity to one’s committed relationships. The “rules” on dealing with exes through traditional communication channels are a bit more defined and for most couples there are boundaries and guidelines to when it is acceptable to talk to or see an ex. Rules and etiquette as to when it is okay to befriend an ex online are still somewhat unwritten. Finding, or being found by, exes online does evoke a certain amount of nostalgia but then there is that little issue of how the person you are spending your nights with feels about the ex. Having an ex on facebook is much different then catching a cup of coffee with them to rehash old times. Everyone is different on how they handle this but here is typically how this happens at our household:

• The Husband: My ex-girlfriend sent me a friend request.
• Chelle: So?
• The Husband: Is it okay if I accept?
• Chelle: Are you actually asking me permission to have a friend on facebook?
• The Husband: Sorta
• Chelle: Are you interested in her?
• The Husband: No, but she’s probably not interested in me either.
• Chelle: Oh I don’t know, after all the years of hard work I’ve put into you she might want you now. You cleaned up quite nicely.
• The Husband: You’re such a bitch, just for that I’m accepting her request.

There are certainly a few people who should forever remain in the distant past; however, it has been quite the experience over the past few years reconnecting with some men who broke my heart, and whose hearts I didn’t treat with care. Reaching out to people who dumped me is easier then those I broke up with; it is easier forgive the guy who dumped me for a Victoria’s Secret model or the one who decided that he liked Michael’s better than Michelle’s then to forget how stupid and immature I was in ending some relationships. With hindsight it is possible to gain some valuable lessons from each failed relationship and as painful as the past might be there are so many good things that can come from reconnecting. If you are single an old relationship might become a new one and everyone can benefit from seeing and hearing from exes; what better reminder of whom you once were and how far you have come.

How to pick up a nerd

Bill Nye the Science Guy could pick me up faster then the speed of light with these geeky pickup lines:

1. Your lab bench, or mine?
2. Your eyes have a perfect wavelength of 563.4 nm.
3. I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun-with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
4. Might I integrate your curves tonight?
5. I'm hung like a Foucault pendulum.
6. Wanna help test the spring constant for my mattress.
7. You're more special than relativity.
8. That dress would look even better accelerating towards my bedroom floor at 9.8 m/s2
9. I have E=mc2 tattooed on my ass.
10. Most women are so complex. They're always like"i! i! i!" But you- you're just so real.
11. I might be a physics major, but I'm no Bohr in bed.
12. Can I have your significant digits?
13. Hey baby, what's your sine?
14. Wanna expand my polynomial?
15. You and Me = Grand Unification
16. Engineers don't know the first thing about pleasing a woman. Friction alone can't get the job done.
17. Would a loser be able to recite pi out to 50 decimal places?
18. In my bed, it's perpetual motion all night long, baby.
19. Does your skin feel burnt? Because I think you must have just fallen down from heaven, and re-entry would have hurt.
20. You make me want to be a better physicist.
21. No, that’s not a Logitech MX-100 in my pants, but thanks for noticing.
22. I'm not being obtuse, but you’re acute.
23. You make me hotter than sulfur hydroxide mixed with ethyl acetate.
24. I have mass. You have mass. We’re naturally attracted!
25. If I could make any compound, I would make uranium iodide, so I could put U and I together!
26. My name? Bond. Covalent Bond!
27. How bout you slip into some thing more comfy... like a Lab Coat.
28. How do you feel about group experiments?
29. You're so hot; you must be the cause for global warming.

Love. Friendship. Marriage.

Planning a wedding is an exercise in extreme project management, where the bride and groom must try and balance their requirements with that of their family, friends, officiant, caterer, florist, photographer, musicians and others to make the day run smoothly and deliver an end result that is more then just the marriage license, but also a lifetime of memories. Six years ago today, I vowed to spend the rest of my life with my husband. While every moment of that day had our personality weaved into the details, it was the ceremony that was uniquely ours. As I have written before, too many people neglect to focus on the actual reason for the wedding; the marriage. They place all their focus on the reception and forget to put thought into the ceremony. We firmly believe that the wedding ceremony, the reason for the celebration, should be memorable and meaningful to the couple. Music should be moving, readings should be touching, and vows should encompass the love and lifetime commitment the couple is taking on… while laying out a ground rule or two. While we had other events during the ceremony that made it memorable; the loud airplane flying overhead, the driver laying on his horn and screaming FU on the street, and the bird who decided that out of the 120 people in attendance at the ceremony, it was the bride he should poop on; the readings we chose and the vows we wrote will always be special and remind me of the commitment I made. The following readings were delivered by my cousins Nicole and Karen, and my husband’s cousin Julie. The words reflect the path our relationship took; Friendship, Love and Marriage.

Friendship - Anonymous
What is a friend? I will tell you. It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can be naked with them. They seem to ask of you to put on nothing, only to be what you are. They do not want you to be better or worse. When you are with them, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent. You do not have to be on your guard, you can say what you think, so long as it is genuinely you. They understand those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you. With a friend, you breathe freely. You can avow your little vanities and envies and hates and vicious sparks, your meanness, and absurdities and, in opening them up, they are lost — dissolves on the white ocean of their loyalty. A friend understands. You do not have to be careful. You can abuse them, neglect them, tolerate them. Best of all, you can keep still with them. It makes no matter. They like you. They are like fire that purges to the bone. They understand. You can weep with them, sing with them, laugh with them, pray with them. Through it all — and underneath they see, know, and love you.

Love- Anonymous
Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad. It settles for less than perfection, and makes allowances for human weakness. Love is content with the present. It hopes for the future and it doesn't brood over the past. It's the day-in and day-out chronicle of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories, and working toward common goals. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it is not enough, so search for it, ask God for it, and share it!

Marriage- Anonymous
Why Marriage?
Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person, with all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body...

Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me, who won't hold them against me, who loves me when I'm unlikable, who sees the small child in me, and who looks for the divine potential of me...

Because I need to cuddle in the warmth of the night with someone who thanks God for me, with someone I feel blessed to hold...

Because marriage means opportunity to grow in love in friendship...

Because marriage is a discipline to be added to a list of achievements...

Because marriages do not fail, people fail when they enter into marriage expecting another to make them whole...

Because, knowing this, I promise myself to take full responsibility for my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness. I create me, I take half of the responsibility for my marriage. Together we create our marriage...

Because of this understanding the possibilities are limitless.

The Vows

• Do you promise to be the best yourselves and ask of no more than the same
• Do you promise to respect eachother as individuals and realize that your spouses desires and needs are no less important than your own…
• Do you promise to share your time, thoughts and attention to bring joy, strength and imagination to your relationship
• Do you promise to grow together, to be willing to face changes and challenges in order to keep excitement in your union

You are my best friend, my partner and my soul mate. Today, I vow to you in front of our family and friendsvto love you as my only for a lifetime. I promise to love you in good times and in bad, with all I have to give and with all I feel inside, completely and forever.

Wishing everone the type of happiness that can only come from sharing an equal partnership and marrying your best friend...

Remembering September 2001

Discovering news of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 is a defining moment in each of our personal histories, much like the assassination of JFK and the attacks on Pearl Harbor were for previous generations. Everyone old enough to read a paper or watch TV vividly remembers the details of how they found out, where they were, who they called and what they were doing. While I do recall answering the phone call from my fiancée in Minnesota as I was trying to iron out details on a print job I was ordering at a Sir Speedy in Delaware anxiously getting the last things on my list done before taking two weeks off for our wedding, it is actually all the moments the rest of that day and the days to follow that will always maintain vivid clarity in my memories. 

The whole thing did not hit me fully until I made it into the office and was immediately surrounded by colleagues asking me about my family in NY, how my friends in DC were, if everyone was okay and if we were going to move forward with the wedding. Suddenly everything hit me all at once and I was faced with a breakdown or actually doing something. With the help of many of my co-workers, including Heather, Dave, Gregg, Val and Mary Beth, we all went into action like we had a pre-planned disaster recovery plan, quickly discovering that while phones all over the US were locked up in busy we were still able to make calls with great ease. It took several hours, but through the help of my co-workers, we were able to find each member of my family, directing those who were unable to make it off Manhattan to Tobacco Road. My co-workers were impressed that even in times of great tragedy; we could somehow get people assembled at a reputable drinking establishment. There is a certain comfort knowing my family could still find a good bar with the world falling down around them. 

Friends in Pennsylvania opened their home to me that night, taking me out to eat at a very empty restaurant and ensuring our table was no where near the television surrounded by the servers and staff. Knowing my immediate family and close friends were all safe and sound, Victor and Diane helped me deal with the next order of business; deciding whether to call off my wedding in NY the next week. 

There were so many pros and cons to each decision, most of the wedding party, including the Groom, were 1000+ miles away, our guest list spanned over 20 states and 4 countries and it was obvious that my plans to return to Minnesota prior to flying to NY with my fiancée were not going to happen. Yet, as any bride can attest to, the thought of having to plan the wedding all over again was overwhelming and after weeks of wondering if I was “marrying material,” the turmoil in the world made me realize once and for all that I wanted to make wadE an honest man. Our friends and family received word on our decision on an email appropriately subjected as “Love Conquers All.” 

Even through the overwhelming hours glued to broadcasts of bad news and sad stories, each day brought us new reasons to celebrate. Bridges in NY were eventually opened to the general public I was able to get to my family on Long Island, never so happy to see my family. My fiancée made it on the first flight from MSP to New York that allowed non-stranded passengers to fly. One bridesmaid, unable to make the wedding as she waited on word whether her husband would be shipped overseas, mailed her dress which arrived on time and fit a long-time friend like a glove. Battling a rough case of bronchitis contracted from the soot in the air from the smoldering twin towers I somehow lost 10 pounds in one week, causing the need for emergency dress alterations in the right direction.

With all these memories and all these moments, there is one evening that stands out above all else; my bachelorette party and youngest sister’s 21st birthday party on the evening of September 19th. We debated whether our pre-9/11 plans of committing multiple acts of debauchery in downtown Manhattan would now be considered in bad taste; drunken women in feather boas parading their wares in the former shadow of the World Trade Center. We were encouraged to move forward with our plans by a cousin who stressed the need for business as establishments in lower Manhattan were suffering. 

Ten well dressed women ready to have fun descended upon Manhattan in a white stretch limo and were clearly the only women around. The bars were not empty; instead they were packed with firemen from around the country; with roughly 12 firemen for every one of us, we took full advantage of the attention that evening. Around Five O’clock in the morning, our driver informed us that we were going to go over our time which in turn made the firemen to realize they were late for their shifts. Presented with an opportunity to serve our country and perform our civic duty, we piled 10 firemen in our limo and headed to the World Trade Center, passing police barricades and descending upon ground zero as the first rays of morning light rose above Manhattan. Half the crew was due at the Trade Center while the other half needed a lift to the rescue staging grounds at Shea Stadium. Firemen hanging out our sunroof brought us the attention of the NYPD, who soon realized we were carrying special cargo and gave us a full police escort all the way to Shea. Already well over the time in our rental agreement, we were unable to entertain all the men who poured out of a city of tents at the staging grounds to offer us hot dogs and beer (at 6am!). Our driver rewarded us for our good deeds; he did not charge us for the two hours we went over and actually thanked us for an experience he would never forget. We never did get to formally thank the generous heroes from the Oak Brook, Illinois; San Diego, California, Columbus, Ohio and all the other fire departments who made for a very memorable evening ;-) 

Every wedding has a set of issues and ours was no exception. The yacht club where our wedding was located asked us if we would be so kind to open the club prior to our photos for a funeral lunch of a friend lost in the towers. We of course said yes to discover it was an Irish funeral with mourners ready to join our wedding celebration. Many of our guests were late, stuck in traffic on bridges as each car required inspection to cross. Even our flowers were a reminder that the wedding was not business as usual; wilted flowers from a florist unable to get a shipment in since the attacks. All that did not matter as we were married under a beautiful blue sky surrounded by the love and support of friends and family, the wedding serving as a joyous celebration of life and love and reminder of what is beautiful about the world (although the world would have been much more beautiful with live purple flowers rather then dead pink ones- oh well).

The day following our wedding, we had dinner reservations at the famed restaurant Windows on the World, atop the World Trade Center. It was very sad to think the person who months before took our request for a romantic table by a window might have perished in the attacks. After a very empty flight, we closed September 2001 on the lovely island of St. Lucia, empty of travelers; we practically had the entire resort all to ourselves. Six years later I can say the experiences and lessons of 9/11 restored my faith in the greater humanity as people far and wide came together to heal a nation and each other. It reminded me of the kindness of strangers, the goodness of friends, the comfort of family, the power of love, what is truly important in life… and that sexy firemen are the best gift any bachelorette can ask for.

Who will cry for you?

Idle chatter filled the room as grieving friends and family gathered after the funeral service. Over coffee and cake we exchanged stories of our dear companion, celebrating life through sharing memories of times past. Anecdotes brought hearty laughter to stifle the tears and no one acknowledged nor truly remembered that the tales were taller and grander then when they actually happened. The silence between each story became longer and harder as memories became harder to remember and recite. Eventually we would run out of stories of our friend’s life, unable to create new ones. One pause went far too long, granting us time to reflect on the events of the prior days; the heartbreak of the news, devastation for the family, tears, prayers, memories and remembrance of a once vibrant person, now gone forever. In everyday life we spark conversation with questions about the weather, news or any other number of topics to break an uncomfortable silence. At a funeral, silence is disrupted with comments on the beautiful flowers, meaningful readings, strength of the family, fine preservation of the deceased, or the number of people who came to show their respects. As we launched into this customary funeral speak a friend looked me square in the face with a serious look and asked; “who will cry for you when you die?”

Her intention was not to present a rhetorical question sparking deep thought or reflection; it was directed right at my personal decision to live a childfree life. This funeral was not the first time or situation where a friend or acquaintance has enquired about who will cry for me when I pass away, take care of my arrangements, care for me when I am dying, or remember me when I am gone; some of the many reasons people cite for having children. Each individual who has ever posed one of these questions has been under the assumption that I have never thought of these questions. They expected their inquiry to instigate some cathartic experience, driving me to reconsider my decision and begin the procreation process that very same evening, thanking them profusely for enlightening me on the error of my ways.

Shocking as it is for many to hear, but the decision to bypass parenting is not one that is taken very lightly, often requiring more thought and reasoning then many put into actually having children. The “practical” reasons for having children; those based around having children to take care of you when you are old, or to mow the lawn when the back finally gives out, are important to consider when deciding against parenting children. Unarguably, every childfree couple has discussed and considered the answers to questions on aging, caretaking and their own mortality as part of their childfree decision.

The answers to these types of questions are as varied as the couples themselves. For some, the answer is simple; who cares? Who cares if anyone misses you, or cries for you, or cares about you after you are gone; you are not going to remember who was at your funeral. Being an oldest child, a narcissist and a Leo, It would be a lie to claim that I personally belong to this camp. I would like to be remembered when I am gone; to have a room full of people fondly telling stories of my impact on their lives, and theirs on mine, wiping tears from their eyes as they remember my life and kept my memory alive.

My desire to be remembered and loved after I am gone is not enough to start filling my womb with babies and my house with strollers for a simple reason; having children does not assure an answer to questions like “who will cry for you when you die.” Just producing children does not guarantee their lifelong love, security, companionship and devotion. We all know people who are parents and for one reason or another are left without the long-term security they thought having children would yield; individuals and couples whose relationships with their children are weak, strained or non-existent, who lost their children emotionally through events, circumstances or misgivings, or whose children’s death preceded their own.

Being loved and making an impact in the world is not based just on the children you bore or raised, but on the relationships fostered and developed both in and outside our families. If we live our lives right by being a good friend and making a difference in the world, then plenty of people will laugh, cry and carry those memories on when we are gone. If you want people to care when you are gone, you have to love and care for them while you are still here, whether you chose to be a parent or not; having children does not guarantee being missed anymore than not having children means dying alone and unloved.

Researchers Cook Up Recipe for a Happy Marriage

What makes marriage work? The Pew Research Center, a self-described nonpartisan "fact tank,” surveyed Americans to discover what they thought the answer to this age old question was. Respondents were given a list of 9 things that people find crucial to a successful marriage and asked if they were very important, rather important or not important at all. The latest results of this study had many surprised and concerned over the outcome and the shift in American opinions on marriage since the survey was last conducted in 1990. How could one study cause alarm on the state of marital affairs in the US?

The biggest surprise of the survey was the increased importance expressed on sharing household chores. While “faithfulness” and “a happy sexual relationship” took the number one and two spot in the rankings of what was very important to a successful marriage, the biggest change in the survey was the rise of “sharing household chores” as very important. However, the study report published on the survey results did not dive into the growth in the importance of sharing chores. Rather then focus on the important message this sends on marital partnerships and the increased equality in relationships, the published report honed in on the decreased number of people who rank children as very important to a successful marriage and public concern over the perceived de-linking of marriage and parenthood.

The research center’s analysis on the decline of children being very important to the success of a marriage is debatable and brings into question how nonpartisan the Pew Research Center actually is, especially with the attention received from conservative groups and organizations like the National Marriage Project, whose co-director Barbara Dafoe Whitehead wrote in her essay "Life Without Children," that "the popular culture is increasingly oriented to fulfilling the X-rated fantasies and desires of adults," "child-rearing values - sacrifice, stability, dependability, maturity - seem stale and musty by comparison," and "the cultural devaluation of child rearing is especially harmful in the American context."

The Pew report, “As Marriage and Parenthood Drift Apart, Public Is Concerned about Social Impact,” poorly interprets a tie to survey results on non-marital child bearing, on successful marriages and the reasons to get married, twisting the results to support the conservative agenda of the National Marriage Project and their discrimination against anyone who does not adhere to their ideals of heterosexual marriages and focus on child-bearing. Removing the conservative spin on the survey yields a different interpretation of the results. A majority of adults actually see believe in marriage before children. The survey also found that nearly 3-to-1 Americans see the main purpose of marriage to find "mutual happiness and fulfillment" rather than "bearing and raising of children” but still place high value on their relationship with children. Essentially, the study and survey results actually support the following:

• Children are not important to a successful Marriage.
• Marriage is important for Children.
• Children are important to People.

The logic applied in the study report incorrectly bridges areas of the survey and gives conservative groups unjustifiable support in their causes. The survey results demonstrate that people still place value on having children; they are just not seen as the center of a successful marriage. Marriage and parenthood are not drifting apart; people are just realizing that defining your marriage through children is not what it takes to be happy and successful, a belief that is central to childfree marriages and those parents who want to maintain a strong relationship even after they are empty-nesters. Our generation is learning from the mistakes of the past; we witnessed first hand what having children to save a marriage, staying married for the sake of the children, deciding to have children when being childfree would be a better personal option and making children the central point in defining a marriage did for past generations. Not only did these actions and attitudes contribute to the level of unhappiness in marriages and the exponential rise of the divorce rate, it also put an unfair burden on children to somehow make their parents marriage work; as if just being a kid is not enough pressure without the added responsibility of being the glue in an adult relationship.

I applaud the public shift in defining marriage as a distinctive and separate connection between people with a purpose other then bearing children and see this change as just what our society needs for stronger, healthier relationships. Let's hope others use the results of the survey more accurately to report on the progress being made in creating equality and stability in marriage through equality and partnership.

How I Snagged my Husband

It is amazing that any friendship or relationship can stand the test of time. If anyone tells you they are the same person they were 10 years ago, they lie like a rug. There are so many facets to our personalities that grow, and sometimes contract, as we trudge through this thing called life. Lifelong friendships are hard to come by, and an enduring relationship nearly impossible to maintain. Finding someone who stands the test of time is truly special and unique. It requires bonds that are formed not on a single feature, a finite event, or shared experience but on a foundation of flexibility, love, respect and understanding. There is someone out there for everyone, but how can you find them?

Someone once told me the Prince Charming was not going to knock on my door while I was home washing my hair. Although this advice did not align with “The Rules: Time Tested Methods for Catching Mr. Right,” it did fit my personality more. Not one to play hard to get, I decided to take the Prince Charming advice and apply the same tenacious techniques to dating that I did to the rest of my life. If I wanted something bad enough; a grade in school, a position on the student counsel, a job or a phone number, I would just go out and get it, all while being myself.

It worked. Today marks the tenth anniversary of the day I met my husband. It often amazes me how much we have changed since that life altering meeting at a shady bar in Naperville, Illinois. We were two "kids", straight out of college, both far from home and trying to make the transition from campus to career. I was a New Yorker pursuing her ultimate dream of moving to the DC area, he a boy from southern Minnesota starting his life in the Twin Cities. We were both in Chicago attending training to become IT consultants. The cards were stacked against us; we were geographically and culturally incompatible, but somehow, we still connected.

The most valuable lessons I learned in the last ten years are to open my heart and my mind to new people, to take a chance on something crazy and to be myself. Be brave and approach that person who catches your attention in a bar, restaurant, airplane, bus, etc. Give that person who is brave enough to approach you a chance. Step outside your comfort zone and go out on a date with someone who is not your usual type to see if you click. Most important, be yourself, otherwise your date is falling in love with the wrong person. The worst thing that can happen is rejection or a couple of bad dates. The best thing that can happen is finding that perfect match. Had I followed my mind, I would have never talked to my husband 10 years ago, and if we did happen to meet we would have never spoken again after we each left Chicago for home. Without a few crazy and brave moments July 10, 1997, I would have missed out on the incredible experiences we shared, the new friends I made and spending the rest of my life with someone I’m insane about and who loves me for me. If that doesn’t speak volumes for how important it is to take a chance in life, to go outside your comfort zone and to make your own destiny, I don’t know what would.

I can’t believe it has been a decade, it really does seem like yesterday. We dispelled the myths that you can't find love in a bar and long distance never lasts. Happy Anniversary “the husband.” I'm looking forward to many more.

A cut above the rest

A good man, car mechanic and hair dresser are hard to find. Lately, I am fearful of losing my man, because my car mechanic and hair dresser went MIA. It all starts with an innocent phone call to schedule an oil change, and suddenly the call is routed to a receptionist who alerts you to the disappearance. Questions of why and where are not answered as you are being reassured that all the mechanics at the shop are experts and trained to meet my needs. The personal relationship developed with the mechanic does not matter; they just want to keep your business.
The same scenario occurred a few weeks later with my hair dresser. This call knocked the wind out of me as we recently entered a new stage of our relationship; transitioning from long to short hair. This huge step means more time developing our bond through frequent haircuts, moving into a long term relationship. Her departure from the salon was especially hard as I had broken up with my long time hairdresser just a year ago. It wasn’t her, it was me; I had moved 1200 miles away 6 years prior and could not afford to fly back home every time I needed a trim. She understood the reasons for the breakup and personally recommended a woman in my “new” hometown, Paula.

At one point, I believed all hairdressers were created equally until college, when friends and acquaintances started visiting Kerri one by one, until nearly everyone in our extended circle visited her for their haircuts. She performed magic on each person, transforming their locks into masterpieces perfect for their face, their frame and their personalities. We were crushed when she moved on, and of course her former employer would not even hint to her whereabouts. Nearly a year later, she was discovered at a salon on the other side of town, word spread quickly, appointments made and many continued to see her long after we graduated.

Unable to make the trip back to Kerri, I started a string of one appointment stands and was unable to develop a long term relationship, that is, until Adrianna came into my life over 3 years after graduation. Adrianna and I remained together for over 5 years until the long distance became too difficult to bear. My experience with Kerri caused the unnatural cling to Adrianna, but the breakup was made easier by Paula.

It only took a couple of appointments before feeling comfortable enough to take the ultimate plunge with Paula; saying the words “just do whatever you want.” The results were beautiful, for weeks heads snapped at work, people unable to recognize the new and improved me. As any woman can attest, finding your hairdresser after they move is a nearly impossible task, but I was determined, it took me too long to find her and my upcoming college reunion motivated me to keep looking.

Living in a small big city is both a blessing and a curse; there are fewer degrees of separation and everyone knows everyone. Using this to my advantage, I am sad to report my mechanic Scott is now employed as a lead mechanic at a Toyota dealership, which does little good for my Jeep. Luckily, Paula went independent and has a chair at Thomas Charles Salon in Minneapolis. We were reunited today, exchanged hugs and personal phone numbers. I will not lose her again, a good hairdresser is way too hard to find.