Vita Brevis! Carpe Diem!

There are so many topics on my list of things to write about; celebrity obsession, the effect of children on marital happiness, my pesky last 12 pounds to lose. But right now everything I do for a living, write about, think about, and act upon seems so terribly trite. My life, my “problems,” and my musings on American culture feel less important following the untimely death of a college friend. Staring at the glowing screen of the laptop, all I can think about is how healthy I am. How happy that my body can run, jump, lift, dance, and sing. How fortunate I am to have a mind that is sharp, analytic, and balanced. It is a shame that it takes horrible life events to put things into perspective and remind us how lucky we are to be alive.

Wendy, a year younger than me, was a fellow Political Science survivor at Mary Washington College. She somehow possessed personality traits that are often mutually exclusive; shy and outgoing, polite and sarcastic, sophisticated and naïve, anxious and tranquil, silly and serious. Wendy would be the first to challenge a professor, to voice her opinion (to which she had many!), and to take action on a cause she believed in. That same woman who had no trouble going toe-to-toe with our professors would clam up in the presence of a cute guy. Her warmth and charm, evidence of a good Virginia upbringing, made her quick wit and sharp tongue beyond hilarious. Wendy could worry about political strife in the world while kicking back with an adult beverage at a Jimmy Buffet concert. She could communicate volumes and change the world with her smile alone. Wendy could somehow laugh, hug, tell a joke, flirt, answer a question, project her opinion, or get herself out of a pickle just by flashing her pearly whites; the best part was she was so terribly modest she had no clue of that power.

Her life after college followed the path I thought my own would take; job on Capitol Hill, apartment in Alexandria, traveling with friends, and involvement in her community. Wendy was brave enough to follow her dreams, even if those dreams started with a very low paying job as a Congressional aide; I will always be in awe of her sticking to her guns. While her life was short she accomplished more then many could claim in a lifetime twice as long.

Wendy was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer mere days after I received word that a co-worker from my first “real” job lost his battle with the same disease at the young age of 52. Both Wendy and Dave were non-smokers who followed the prescription for a long and healthy life; eat well, exercise, develop friendships, laugh, and love. They did everything we are supposed to do but both received a diagnosis usually reserved for people who make less than healthy life choices. Some people smoke all their lives and die of old age, some people manage to avoid the cancer sticks and die in their 30s. Not that I am advocating people taking up a 3 pack-a-day habit, but sometimes even an ounce of prevention isn’t enough to combat cancer if it is in our genes. To quote another friend “life is so hideously unfair.”

Wendy battled her cancer the same way she tackled life; head on with equal doses of humor, strength, courage, and sometimes anger. Despite her poor prognosis she continued joking around with her friends and family, even naming her cancer Earl after a Dixie Chicks’ song; that Earl had to die, goodbye Earl. We followed her blog religiously as Wendy kept us up to date with the ins and outs of her life and her cancer treatments. Her candid honesty was sometimes brutal, but more often brilliant. We cheered when there were signs of tumor shrinkage and cried when her cancer spread. She opened up about her struggle with hair loss and in turn received a boat load of hats from far and wide. We shared her excitement about her upcoming trip to the Dominican Republic and felt immense disappointment that she couldn’t enjoy her passion of travel one more time. Through it all Wendy was not a cancer patient but still her opinionated, open-minded, bacon loving self who happened to have cancer.

Earl ended up being far too strong and aggressive, taking Wendy from us after only 32 years of life. Her Facebook page, which now serves as a make-shift memorial for all those who miss her, includes a powerful reminder for all of us. Wendy left for us a quote from the movie Shawshank Redemption; “Get busy living or get busy dying.” Her legacy will live on in the spirit she so generously left to her friends and family and her reminder that life is short. Seize the day!

Background Check List

Statistically speaking age at the time of marriage is the number one factor in measuring how long the union will last. Those who get married very young are more likely to see the inside of divorce court then those who wait until their mid-twenties and beyond. Social scientists indicate a number of reasons why the age people get married is such an important factor in success; education, stability, and maturity just to name a few. Every 18 year old thinks they belong to the mature adult club, but they are missing the life lessons that can only come from navigating the complex world of personal relationships. Meeting new people, surviving a breakup (romantic or platonic), living on our own, learning new skills, and travel are just some ways we learn more about ourselves and others on our path to personal fulfillment. It is thought that those who marry too early in their inter-personal maturity cycle miss out on key developments necessary to figure out what and who really matters to them in life. We learn about ourselves and our needs from each person we interact with. I am not a relationship expert or accredited social scientist, but in hindsight it is interesting to analyze my own relationships and what I learned about myself and the world from dating trial and error.

Even if you only watched one talk show episode in your entire existence you more than likely heard the following phrase uttered by a woman scorned; “but I love him.” These four words are often muttered out of the mouths of women who are trying to defend the reasons they stay in an awful and physically or emotionally abusive relationship. He stood me up on a date but I love him. He cheated on me but I love him. He got another woman pregnant but I love him. He beat the crap out of me but I love him. Women who utter these words have no self-respect nor have they learned an important maturity lesson; you can love someone deeply and profoundly and not have a successful relationship or marriage with that person. This lesson applies to more then just the obvious bad relationship signs of abuse and infidelity. It might sound completely unromantic to those who have not “been around the block a few times” but the Beatles were wrong; love isn’t all you need. It is possible to fall in love with someone but still not have the elements necessary for a lifetime commitment. Understanding more about yourself, your goals, and your needs and how they conflict with a person is necessary to know when to walk away from an otherwise good relationship. Too many women (and men) stay in a relationship (or get married) to the wrong person because they are comfortable, stable, and ignoring the subtle signs of doom. Even worse, we often think the conflicting behavior, opinion, or attitude will change over time; people rarely change. Learning this lesson is eye opening but frightening. When it comes to relationships we cannot always trust our heart but we must listen to our head.

Warning signs are ever present during bad dates and in bad relationships, but we often don’t recognize those signs until it is too late. The sound of our brain screaming “no” to pursuing or continuing a relationship is undeniably muffled by the heart screaming “yes.” Our hearts lie to us when we are lonely, depressed, bored, or feeling a little desperate. Common sense is the first thing thrown out the window in affairs of the heart and it is important to have a mental (or physical) list of relationship “must haves,” “nice to haves,” and “no ways” allowing good judgment to prevail over lust and infatuation. New York Times op-ed columnist Maureen Dowd wrote a piece on Father Pat Connor who educates teenage girls on “whom not to marry” before they walk down the aisle with Mr. Wrong. Father Connor’s lessons on what traits and qualities make good husband material reminded me of my own “who can I date” list. Created in jest with friends one night to after one of my more amusing dating disasters, this list proved a useful tool in weeding out a few prospective boyfriends before anyone got hurt. Some argue against the laundry list of dating requirements claiming that they are unromantic, eliminate potential good matches, and make women and men too picky. For those who feel that way go ahead and waste your time in a string of dead end and unhappy relationships, everyone else can take notes on their life experiences to help speed up their process of elimination. Here are some qualities that were on my list (in no particular order):

No jealously or possessiveness: Some women (and men) think people show love when they are jealous or possessive. It seems cute at 16 but at some point it is important to learn that men who are jealous and possessive lack self-esteem, don’t trust you or your relationship, become controlling and manipulative, and should be kicked to the curb at the first signs of these negative qualities.

Macho Man: There is no bigger turnoff for me then the whole macho man showoff routine. I wasn’t looking for an ultra-sensitive “girly man” but the exaggerated sense of power, strength, and dominance often demonstrated through actions like bar fights is repulsive. Machismo is nothing more then men indicating that they think they are better than you just because they were born with a penis and this well-educated, equal rights advocate has no time or tolerance for men like that; romantically, personally, or professionally.

Foodie: One might say I am passionate about food. I love a good meal, love to cook, love an evening out at a fine dining establishment, and love trying new dishes. It would be impossible to share my life with a person who didn’t have the same feelings for food. It only took a few dates with a guy who openly admitted he ate not out of enjoyment but because it was a requirement for staying alive to realize this. He would plan day long dates without any stops for nourishment and look at me strangely when I begged to stop for dinner.

Cheers: I like wine with my dinner, love a cold beer on a hot afternoon, and have an affinity for fine scotch. I didn’t judge men who didn’t drink but they often judged me so it was best to avoid teetotalers. This predicament didn’t happen very often giveen I predominently met men (including my husband) in bars.

Adventurous: Not necessarily jump out of an airplane adventurous, but after a string of dating boring homebodies it became apparent that I required someone who liked to enjoy new experiences, learn new things, and grow as a person. With my love of food I also preferred to date men with adventurous palates and often used the pizza test; if a date ordered nothing but a plain cheese pizza with no toppings the date would end with a handshake and a nice to meet you; have a nice life.

Respectful: How a person treats a waitress or bartender speaks volumes about them. If someone is nasty to servers, talks down to them, and treats them like second class citizens beware; chances are this is how the person will treat you after the honeymoon period is long over. I waited tables and tended bar during college and was amazed at the number of men who acted like they were showing off to their date by ordering around the “help”.

College: Having a college education was a necessity. This is not saying that people who attend college are smarter or better then those who don’t, but my experiences in college shaped much of who I am and sharing my life with someone with similar experiences was very important to me. I went out with a few guys who didn’t go to college and the differences in life experience were too hard to overcome. These were also the same men who expressed jealously and contempt towards women who earned more then them and given the pay gap between educational levels chances are that would become an issue in the long term. Some of these men openly asked me to dumb it down around their friends. I like being smart and don’t think it is something I should have to hide or apologize for.

Dogs: I am a dog person and although I didn’t have a dog during my dating years there was never a question that some day I would have a dog, or two, or three. Men who didn’t like dogs, didn’t want dogs, or thought of dogs as anything less than furry blessings from above didn’t get past the first date.

Children: I am what the childfree community refers to as an “early adopter;” someone who knew from a very young age that they did not want to have children. Even possessing this knowledge about myself I still dated a few people before realizing the effect of this on long-term romances. I wasted my time, and the time of some amazing men who met many of my other criteria, not sharing this tidbit about myself up front. It is kind of a weird thing to bring up, but eventually I realized how important it was to just throw my not liking nor wanting children out in the open early rather then wasting my time and energy with a man who wanted to have 2.4 kids and the white picket fence.

Smoking: No ifs, ands, or butts; after kissing a smoker I realized it tasted like I was licking an ashtray. Not sexy. Nor is the use of any drugs; total deal breaker.

Friends: If someone is a loner there is usually a good reason. Often the loner has a crappy personality that appears a few months/years into the relationship.

Challenging: One might describe me as strong, tenacious, and opinionated. I tended to attract men who were quiet and looking for someone with a more domineering personality. They were fun at first, allowing me to take over the relationship with little to no push-back. After a while these men bored me to tears. No doormats please.

Taller: This is not very PC; I tried to date men who were vertically challenged and the relationships came up short (pun intended). There is nothing small about me and my 5 foot 9 inch frame, often described as statuesque and voluptuous. My inability to handle a relationship with a shorter man has much to do with my lifelong mental and physical structure with my weight. Dating a man shorter then me made the weight struggle worse and I realized I just feel happier and more attractive when I am with a man who makes me feel a little thinner and smaller.

Italian Men: Also not very PC but as a part-Italian girl growing up surrounded by Italian men I learned many lessons about what I did not want in a romantic relationship. (Most) Italian men are jealous, possessive, macho, sexist pigs. They are egotistical Mama’s boy drama queens who think their shit doesn’t stink and the world revolves around them. They believe they are God’s gift to women. Women, in their opinion, were put on earth to have their babies and it is there right to marry those women but keep a few girlfriends on the side. Even if an Italian man somehow escaped his upbringing without obtaining any of these negative characteristics, chances are I would tower over them wearing simple flats. I am still looking for an Italian man out there to defy the sterotypes and prove me wrong on any or all these observations. If you exist and are single let me know; I have plenty of interested friends.

Do you have a relationship checklist? If so, what is on your list?

Happy Halloween from Soleirella and Snow Black

Halloween 2007
Halloween 2006

Sex in the Suburbs

Some girls dream of love and marriage, house and babies; my dreams revolved around becoming a power single in Washington, D.C. A series of events derailed those dreams, first foregoing work on Capitol Hill and then meeting the love of my life at the ripe old age of 21. Shortly after meeting the future Mr. Blondebombchelle, HBO launched their groundbreaking series “Sex and the City.” With every episode I laughed, cried, and mourned the end of my swinging single self. As each season progressed so did my relationship with Mr. Right, from friendship to marriage, with all the ups and downs that any relationship experiences.

However, as much as I love Sex and the City, it was difficult to watch these smart, attractive, successful women focus so much on finding a relationship and not embrace the freedom and joy they possessed. Sex and the City is not the only show that portrays single women on the hunt for a husband. If anything, Samantha, the sex crazed, “act like a man” character on the show, was a breath of fresh air in the entertainment industry that fuels an invisible war between the married and the single. She did not see marriage as the road to happiness and instead found happiness in herself, her career, and her friends. Perhaps she knew something that only a failed marriage could teach Charlotte; a wedding isn’t the finish line to finding happiness. Carrie did pose the question; “Is there a secret cold war between marrieds and singles?” There probably is; the grass is always greener on the other side, but there is far more press devoted to the trials and tribulations of a single person than the struggles of coupledom. Relationships are not easy, even the best ones, but that reality is never portrayed or published in our “happily ever after” world. Even in friendships there is a somewhat unspoken code not to divulge the less than stellar points of being married to your single friends. Saying “I Do” doesn’t make the issues and questions that the ladies of Sex and the City, and other single woman across the globe, have go away. If anything, getting married amplifies some of the problems and struggles because you have to work through them rather then just break up and move on. After tying the knot I realized a dirty little secret that would knock Carrie and her friends out of their Manolos; marriage comes with many of the same issues faced by being single.

“How often is normal?” (Season 1): I remember reading about a couple who included frequency of sexual activity into their wedding vows; no less than 3 times a week and no more than 5, and thought to myself, “wonder how long they’ll keep that up?” Normal is a relative term influenced by personalities, life events, free time, present health, work stress, kids, dogs, etc.

“Are there still certain things in relationships one should never say?” (Season 2): For those who believe there are no secrets in marriage, try asking a friend about their mother-in-law in front of their spouse and see if you get a much different answer then what they say to you behind closed doors. Even after marriage there are some things never to say in the relationship, things that are just not important or worth the consequences. Topics to consider adding to the “never say it to your spouse” category include hair loss (or odd growth), bowel movements, the hot person at the office, and in-laws.

“Are all men freaks?” (Season 2): Yes.

''Is it better to 'fake it' than be alone?'' (Season 2): This was in reference to faking happiness and strength in a relationship rather then being single. Honestly, I can think of nothing more miserable then pretending to be happy with a person because of fear of being single. Single does not automatically mean lonely and couples settling down in bad relationships can feel more forlorn then any single. Eventually the reality of a poor relationship is realized. All faking it accomplishes is wasting time that could be spent finding happiness.

''Can you be friends with an ex?'' (Season 2): This is a dicey one that can only be answered on a case by case basis. All I can say is the question still comes up once you are married, especially in the day and age of the internet where long lost ex’s can pop up in an instant. Personally, after nearly 7 years of marriage, I don’t care who he’s friends with, heck I can barely remember my own details of my past relationships. When it comes down to ex’s who are still friends it is all about trust in your partner and confidence in yourself; married or not.

“What constitutes cheating?” (Season 2): Again, this is something best addressed on a relationship by relationship basis but the question still exists after vows are exchanged. Some married couples engage in extramarital activities considered adulterous in 49 states but are perfectly fine with the arrangement. On the extreme side other couples have a hissy fit if their spouse makes eye contact with another person. It is important to set the ground rules early to avoid any issues and misunderstandings.

“Can you change a man?” (Season 2): No.

“How do you know if you’re good in bed?” (Season 3) : Marriage doesn’t necessarily make performance insecurities go away, but it should provide a comfortable and safe environment to address those insecurities and improve.

“In Relationships, what are the deal breakers?” (Season 3): Over 50% of marriages end in divorce so there are deal breakers after the wedding. While there are some people who give up too quickly when the going gets tough, there are some very legitimate deal breakers like abuse, infidelity, addictions, discovering homosexuality, or becoming a Red Sox fan.

“Do we need drama to make a relationship work?” (Season 3): As an Italian (German-Swedish-English-Irish-Finnish-Czech)-American I know drama. I grew up surrounded by couples who created drama, a way to make their relationships more passionate. Perhaps they picked up too many relationship tips from Soap Operas, because good relationships don’t need to be dramatic to be good. Drama is exhausting.

“Can we have it all?” (Season 3): In the words of the great Rolling Stones: you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

“In a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising?” (Season 4): This is one of the most profound questions Carrie posed in all six seasons of Sex and the City. Relationships take plenty of compromise, and ideally it works out to be 50/50, but maintaining that 50/50 is a struggle. It is too easy for one person to take on more then their fair share, or give in to the other more often then not. I see other people compromise their opinions, values, time, and opinions to their spouses quite often and wonder myself when it is no longer compromising for the sake of a relationship and just being a doormat.

“As we speed along this endless road to the destination called who-we-hope-to-be, I can’t help but whine, “are we there yet?” (Season 4): One of the biggest misconceptions people have about getting married. The wedding is not a destination; it is just the addition of another person along for the ride.

Marriage is no walk in Central Park and comes along with a whole host of challenges that people associate with being single and the dating scene. Marriage is hard work, but is worth all the sacrifice and struggle when you meet the right person? In the words of Mr. Big, “Absofuckinglutely.”

Classy Notes

A few weeks prior to my college graduation, members of the alumni association at The University of Mary Washington (nee Mary Washington College) asked me volunteer as an alumni news writer for the Class of 1997. It seemed only natural to serve in this role after spending four years representing my class as their President. The assignment seemed easy; keep in touch with classmates, gather their news, write a submission two or three times a year, and hand over the responsibilities to another classmate after 5 years. Well, those 5 years came and went and I continue to contribute to each issue, easily classifying those submissions as the most important pieces I write each year.

The “job” of writing for the Mary Washington Alumni magazine is more challenging then I originally calculated for a variety of reasons. One major challenge is my inability to meet writing deadlines, a problem that still plagues me long after leaving the hallowed (and creaky) corridors of Monroe Hall. Another issue is adhering to the guidelines and ever changing deadlines set forth by the alumni publication Gestapo, who I often think would be secretly happy to abolish the long tradition of class specific news, making room for more kitschy articles that no one actually reads (sorry to break the news to any magazine editors who might catch this, but an unscientific poll concluded that most alumnus flip to the back of the magazine to read the Class Notes and the In Memoriam sections). Then there is my little type-A personality issue; if I was the kind of person who could casually volunteer for something, writing a small blurb for my alumni magazine would be a piece of cake. Unfortunately, I am not the kind of person able to half-ass this type of commitment and take my duties as class representative very seriously, combing the globe over to find alumni whose post-college stories remain unwritten.

From a purely professional perspective, the importance of alumni staying connected with their alma mater and other alumnus is priceless. Studies prove that people graduating from colleges and universities with strong alumni associations and connections find more success in the business world. Simply put, it’s not always what you know, but who you know, or who happened to attend the same institution of higher learning as you. Building relationships through alumni networking is how many find jobs, promotions, sales, deals, merger opportunities, etc. Keeping track and documenting everyone’s news could trigger communication between two alumni who together create a Microsoft, Google, or Starbucks like success. That merger would certainly lead to a very nice endowment for the university.

As a public college in the Commonwealth of Virginia, the Mary Washington alumni association focuses many of their official efforts in Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey and New York. Those of us who live outside of the I-95 Northeast corridor, as well as those who avoid alumni events like the black plague, can remain connected to classmates and the school itself through the alumni publication. Our college years are supposed to be among the best of our lives; it would be a shame to completely lose connection to those years. Whatever school you attended, whatever class you are from, remember the importance of keeping in touch with the place, and the people, that kick-started your adult life.

Over the past 11 years our class experienced the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows; celebrating the births of a dozen future graduates in each issue, congratulating each person receiving a higher degree or a major promotion, and mourning the unfortunate losses of people taken from us too soon. What amazes me most is that many of my old classmates let me into their lives and remember to include me (and therefore our whole class) in the news of their triumphs and tragedies at each and every juncture of their lives. I often receive the birth and wedding announcements from people I knew in passing, photos from family holidays, honeymoons and African safaris. Change of address cards and emails frequently come with a written request to update their address with the school so they can continue receiving class notes. Being entrusted with keeping a class of over 800 connected with each other and the broader family of alumni is honor and privilege, one never to be taken lightly.

While most jump right to the page with their class’ notes, reading news of their friends and classmates, I have a more unorthodox style of reading. I enjoy working my way backwards, starting with the latest graduating class and ending with the class holding the honor of having the oldest living alumna. The newer classes write much of the same news now found in my article archive; graduate school, law school, backpacking through Europe, Australia and Asia, sharing apartments with dear college friends, struggling with the “now what?” dilemma. Class year by class year, the news and stories take on predictable patterns with very little variation; only the names change. The marriage years, the baby years, toddler years, little league years, and high school years are the life stories shared by so many. Those choosing a childfree or marriage-free path have their own predictable patterns of where they travel and when and when they jump off the corporate ladder for more “meaningful” work. Empty Nesters and the middle-aged jump into the “what now?” years; the life script and checklist often leaves out what we are meant to do after finishing the work and children things. Surprisingly (or not), out of all the class years, the most enjoyable reads come from those reveling in the Golden Years. Reading class news from those beyond the Gold and Silver Reunion years serves as a reminder of the importance of friendship, love, faith, and education. Some of the news is sad, as people report the deaths of their dear classmates. Even in reporting the deaths the writers of these class notes point out the amazing things the departed brought to the world. Sometimes the spotlight is on children or careers, but often the memories are focused on the little things that go unnoticed by us “young whipper-snappers”; a friend’s infectious laugh, warm smile, melodic voice, or ability to mix the perfect martini.

Reading the little joys people from the earlier classes report is amazing. Those under the 20 year reunion mark focus on big milestones and accomplishments, those past the 60 year reunion mark learned that life is filled with smaller moments worth celebrating. It would not be unusual to open up the page from the class of 1946 and read something like this; “…I had coffee with Sally Smith Brown and she is still the same old firecracker she was 62 years ago. She misses her husband, who passed away late last year, but is so thankful for the 58 years they spent together. These days Sally is surrounded by a large and strong network of family and friends. Just like at school, she always has pot of coffee on, ready for unexpected company; at least now she doesn’t have to hide her percolator from the dorm fire marshals! Don’t be too jealous, but Sally is still able to live in her own house (which she now shares with her Virginia Hall roommate Jane Brown Jones!), walk on her own (thanks to the new hip she got from Dr. Anne Madison of the Class of 1972), and breathe without the help of any oxygen despite all those years of sneaking post meal cigarettes in the amphitheatre. Completing the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle takes until Tuesday these days, but she still finishes it every week, a testament to her fine Mary Washington education. Sally said her joints are a little stiff these days, but she knows there is an expiration date on those joints and plans on finding that date at her weekly dance club…”

Alumni representatives far and wide love hearing news of what people are up to, especially their successes. Class notes and alumni news from decades ago remind us that life is not just about what we accomplish, but the importance of maintaining lifelong relationships and finding happiness in the everyday; with age, or reading the words and thoughts of those with years under their belts, comes wisdom.

Framily Ties

Brought together by the happenstance of sharing DNA we are pretty much stuck with our blood relatives. Disown, ignore, de-will all you want; family is still family no matter how we try to distance ourselves from certain members. The old adage “blood is thicker than water” was drilled into my head as a child and it was made clear nothing should come between me and my family. As I grew older I began to question this proverb when many friendships matured beyond my familial relationships. There is no denying the bond that exists in families, but the Beatles had it right when they said “we get by with a little help from our friends.”

You can pick your friends, allowing a better shot at liking that person over your predetermined family. Family is forever; not necessarily because you like them, but because it’s easier to shake free of an acquaintance if they piss you off. We are forced to deal with a little bit more with family, find a greater level of compromise and acceptance since holiday dinners would be much more uncomfortable otherwise. Unfortunately, many families operate like you have to like each other, be together, and offer help and support just because of the blood relation. People who treat their families like garbage, or who make little to no effort to be a real part of their lives, and expect the family bond to magically flourish because of some shared genes have little to no understanding of how relationships work. If these people treated their friends like they treated their family they would have no friends. Somehow people expect their family to stick around no matter how ill the relationship.

"Friends are relatives you make for yourself."
- Eustache Deschamps

When the going gets tough it is the people who step up to the plate who are important. Some friends and family alike will show their true colors in times of trouble and strife and disappear faster a cold beer on a hot summer day. It is usually a combination of close friends and family who “have your back” when you need them. Regardless of blood relation or not, these closest of bonds are the people we each want to have in our lives. These are the people who would jump in front of a bullet for you, who take your hysterical calls at three in the morning, who you trust with your most precious thoughts and possessions, who are extensions of your very own being.

There is a certain “sweet spot” in any relationship, blood relation or otherwise, where the lines between family and friends blur; when you like your family like they were your friends and love your friends like they are family. These are the family members who you can talk and laugh with until the wee hours of the morning and the friends whose mothers are almost your own. Friends who you couldn’t imagine leaving out of a family event because in your heart they are family, or the family who you send dirty email jokes to because they will laugh like your friends. Regard of last name or background, these are the people we move mountains for.

“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”
- Walter Winchell

These special people, “framilies” if you will, are much smaller in numbers than the total number of friends and family we have. This shouldn’t discount the rest of our friends and family, those who aren’t “framilies,” who are still very important people. Life, like a good screenplay, has good cast of characters and some play supporting roles to the lead. We all have friends and family who we value, trust, nurture, but are not in the first “ring” around our hearts; our supporting cast. I personally have a pretty big family, and a huge network of friends, and admittedly, I wouldn’t jump in front of a bullet for all of them. They wouldn’t jump in shark infested waters to save my life either and that’s okay. What is important is ensuring that members of our “framilies” are always put above all else when they need us the most, our script ensures they get top billing. I consider myself most blessed and fortunate to have an amazing tapestry of friends and family who can be classified as “framilies;” my mother, sisters, some cousins and aunts, the husband, extended family, friends from grammar school, high school, college, work, and general life. You all know who you are (and it is many more than the number of photos this page could hold).Thank you for being part of my very soul and the stars in my life story.

It's a small world after all

Sorry if the title of this gets the ageless Disney theme park ride song stuck in your head, but when the world seems so large and overwhelming something happens proving just how small our planet really is. The internet connects us with friends near and far, making it possible to maintain relationships over expansive distances easier than days past. We can “meet” people with similar hobbies, shared interests, fascinating experiences, and touching stories. People from our pasts come out of the woodwork, sparking old memories and often reigniting friendships. Families discover long lost cousins through genealogy sites and software, completing sections of the family tree puzzle. All these links across humanity help break down the manmade concepts of countries and nations, connecting people who in the past would likely be enemies rather than friends. Social networking might just bring more peace, tolerance and understanding to the world then any visit by Jimmy Carter. At times the small world can be rather creepy with cyber-stalking, pasts that should remain hidden, or when worlds collide, connecting people from very different parts of your own past.

I am a facebook geek, and love the “people you may know” feature that suggests, as you might have guessed from the title, people you may know because you have mutual friends or shared an alma mater with. More often than not I actually do know the person suggested, and when I don’t know the person it is usually because we only have one mutual friend, a silly way to connect two people since we all possess friends and colleagues whose circles never cross. The likelihood of knowing a person increases dramatically with each mutual connection. It is very unlikely to share ten friends and somehow not know each other, although facebook does think I should know half the Classes of 1997 and 1998 from St. Olaf, the alma mater of my husband and many friends, and a bunch of 15 year olds from my cousin’s extensive high school network of 600. After weeding through these obvious mismatches it is fun to find long lost friends and classmates.

Sometimes the mismatch is not so obvious and this is when the world is so small it’s creepy. On four separate occasions in the past month, a completely unfamiliar name and face popped up on my screen and our connection was surprising and strange. I did not know these four people, but each one of them shared some completely random mutual friends. One of the women from Boston was friends with an old roommate when I lived/worked in Delaware and a classmate of mine from grammar school in New York. Another guy from California and I shared two friends, one who I knew from college in Virginia and the other is the daughter of my father’s best friend from the Bronx. Then there is a woman from India who is friends with one of my college classmates and a guy I worked with in New Jersey. Sharing friends with people from completely different walks of life, common connections that would never be revealed anywhere but on networking sites, is mind-blowing. There are over 6 billion people on this planet, the chances of having two people you know from “different worlds” should be statistically small but somehow it happens; a reminder that there’s so much that we share in only one small, small world.

Live shorter and still prosper

Recently released life expectancy figures for 2006 show a new record high in the United States; 78.1 years of age. While much of the rise in life expectancy during US history is attributed to advances in childhood medicine and better public sanitation, more recent upward trends point at the “miracles of modern medicine” giving people the tools needed to treat diseases associated with aging. On the surface this looks like great news; yea! We’re living longer. But life expectancy figures measure only age and do not take into account the physical condition of people on the upper ends of the age spectrum and the quality of life that they lead. There is a fine line between saving a life and artificially prolonging one. What are we sacrificing to tack on a few extra years at the end of our lives?

How do we define life? Is it simply a beating heart or is it the ability to think, enjoy, love, worship, or laugh? Some argue that life is so precious that all means should be taken to keep a person breathing. This mindset keeps people fighting for the physical lives of their family when the person and everything they cherished about their life is already gone. We lose focus of what makes a life, things like happiness and joy, and instead trudge through existence just breathing, not living. As one of our nation’s greatest leaders, Abraham Lincoln, once said; “And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” The wisdom and power of those words from centuries past are timeless.

This shift towards unhappiness is characterized in movies and television as an unavoidable rite of passage to old age. Ever wonder why people often turn into bitter “curmudgeons?” Perhaps it is because they are told they cannot eat, drink, or do anything that actually made them enjoy life in the first place! Maybe they didn't grow up dreaming about living their last decades in a nursing home where the highlight of their day is penny bingo after their chopped liver lunch. I feel for the sick, the old and the dying who are told they can’t have something they really want because it is bad for their health or because the doctor said so. Battle old age all you want, it is always going to win. If someone makes it 80, 90, or 100 years old they should be rewarded with all the red meat, fried chicken, and booze they want. Watch your diet when you’re young and it actually matters, by 90 who the hell cares? If dying wishes include an ice cream sundae it is really not the time to be worrying about glucose readings; have your cake and eat it too, literally. I have a verbal pact (which I guess will be written here now) with my husband; if I cannot eat, talk, laugh or kiss him, my favorite things in the world to do, then please just pull the plug.

The United States leads the world in the amount of money spent on healthcare in a person’s final year of life. Doctors are in the business of saving lives, and this includes performing “medical heroics” that all too often extend a person’s calendar years with little consideration to the kind of life the person can lead afterwards. People with long-term, debilitating, incurable illnesses are given a battery of surgeries, medicines and procedures to keep them alive but are so rarely reminded that the choice to continue fighting is ultimately theirs and their families. Sometimes years pass where a person is alive but without any signs of life, and with medical advances this is going to happen more and more frequently.

When it comes to heroics, the only thing more courageous than choosing to battle a disease is the courage it takes to realize the disease won and concede the fight. After people decide to stop medical treatments and take a chance with whatever comes after this world, doctors, with their lifesaving possibilities behind them, often step aside and let the end of life experts take charge; nurses. Hospice and Palliative nurses deliver physical, psychosocial, emotional, and spiritual care to the terminally ill and their families. These Nurses prepare patients and their families for the final days through education, comfort, and compassion. I can think of no other career path that requires such opposing capabilities; the strength to watch people die and the compassion to help them and their families through the pain and loss. I consider myself incredibly blessed to work with nurses almost everyday, women and men who teach very valuable lessons on navigating the rivers of life (if you are willing to listen!). The work they do serves as a reminder of lessons learned from family and friends who made the most of their time on earth; live life to the fullest, enjoy every day, and to take better care of yourself when you’re young so the years added are actually healthy ones.


This is dedicated to my Father-in-law John, who realized he was losing his battle against kidney failure and said enough; living out his last days in the comfort and care of a hospice nurse team. Thank you to the nurses who took care of him, who have ever cared for me and my family, and who I am blessed to have as friends and co-workers; you are truly special people for choosing a profession that requires so much skill and compassion.

About Faced

Ignoring people who trigger dreadful memories was once an option to suppress the anger, sadness and frustration over lost loves and friends. Those days are gone, replaced by an information age making it impossible to romanticize a past that just will not go away. It all started with “googling,” the guilty pleasure of searching old crushes, lovers, friends, and enemies and soon spun out of control with social networking websites aimed at connecting users to their past. The only thing more dreaded in cyberspace then the dilemma on whether to accept, reject or ignore a friend request is whether to send your own friend request to a forgotten friend.

Keeping up with friends and family around the globe is certainly easier with a connection online. Whether that connection is through email or a networking website the world just feels smaller knowing those you care about are only a few clicks away. Googling made it possible to find lost connections, those people whose memory remained vivid despite the passage of time. What was nice about googling was the ability to steer clear of those you chose to; the practice of looking people up was proactive and controlled, if you didn’t want to find someone chances are you wouldn’t. Even if you did find someone it was often difficult to actually contact them making random, unwanted correspondence rare. With a whole industry focused on online networking people can now come out of the woodwork, leading to mixed amounts of excitement and disappointment.

It is exciting and touching to hear from a missed friend, remember all the good times and be able to share in their “new” lives. Through the internet I have reconnected with my closest and best friend from my childhood after our college years separated us and found relatives who fill in missing gaps in my genealogy. The internet allows us to stay connected with family and friends who are thousands of miles away. It is also easier to keep in touch with friends who are busy raising their families and advancing their careers. It is fun to see the names and faces of people whom you once cared about and remember the time and memories shared.

The human mind is amazing in its capacity to suppress or alter painful memories. There are plenty of people our brains elect to forget for one painful, heart wrenching reason or another. Sometimes we recall ex-lovers more fondly then they deserve with the fog of time and distance dulling the heartbreak. It is these ghosts from relationships past that shock the system when they suddenly appear in a friend request. Even without a friend request is it hard not to be spooked by these ghosts when websites actually suggest names of people you could know, often with eerie levels of accuracy. Then you are forced into the quandary whether to befriend the individual or pretend their names are not staring at you from the screen. What makes the struggle worse is that same person is probably looking at your name in their profile wondering if they want to be friends with me still?

On a positive note, many have reconnected with their exes and old friends online to discover they were meant to be after all. How many people break up because priorities at that time focused on things other then relationships? Relationships are all about timing; what did not work 10 years ago can work great for people giving it another chance. Someone should conduct a study to see if re-connecting on social networking sites is a better way of finding love than on dating sites. Somehow I do not think match.com or eHarmony would like the findings.

Online friendships add a level of complexity to one’s committed relationships. The “rules” on dealing with exes through traditional communication channels are a bit more defined and for most couples there are boundaries and guidelines to when it is acceptable to talk to or see an ex. Rules and etiquette as to when it is okay to befriend an ex online are still somewhat unwritten. Finding, or being found by, exes online does evoke a certain amount of nostalgia but then there is that little issue of how the person you are spending your nights with feels about the ex. Having an ex on facebook is much different then catching a cup of coffee with them to rehash old times. Everyone is different on how they handle this but here is typically how this happens at our household:

• The Husband: My ex-girlfriend sent me a friend request.
• Chelle: So?
• The Husband: Is it okay if I accept?
• Chelle: Are you actually asking me permission to have a friend on facebook?
• The Husband: Sorta
• Chelle: Are you interested in her?
• The Husband: No, but she’s probably not interested in me either.
• Chelle: Oh I don’t know, after all the years of hard work I’ve put into you she might want you now. You cleaned up quite nicely.
• The Husband: You’re such a bitch, just for that I’m accepting her request.

There are certainly a few people who should forever remain in the distant past; however, it has been quite the experience over the past few years reconnecting with some men who broke my heart, and whose hearts I didn’t treat with care. Reaching out to people who dumped me is easier then those I broke up with; it is easier forgive the guy who dumped me for a Victoria’s Secret model or the one who decided that he liked Michael’s better than Michelle’s then to forget how stupid and immature I was in ending some relationships. With hindsight it is possible to gain some valuable lessons from each failed relationship and as painful as the past might be there are so many good things that can come from reconnecting. If you are single an old relationship might become a new one and everyone can benefit from seeing and hearing from exes; what better reminder of whom you once were and how far you have come.

We're all family

There is nothing I despise more then a trip to the mall on a weekend during the holidays. With the advent of online shopping there is really very little reason to suffer the torture of mall shopping. I will, however, brave the snow, cold, crowds and children awaiting their turn with Santa for one reason and one reason only; to use my sister’s coveted Macy*s Friends and Family discount. It is fast becoming a tradition to brave the crowds, the lines and the frostbite for the opportunity to get a substantial discount on presents for myself and others. This bravery was once well rewarded but this year the Ho Ho Ho was taken out of our holiday shopping when we discovered posters all over the store offering everyone the friends and family discount.

It is a treat each year to go shopping with an additional 20% off everything coupon, even sale items, granting the opportunity to give very generous looking holiday gifts for a fraction of the cost and allowing a few new items to enter the personal closet rotation. We are incredibly excited to be in the special circle of friends and family lucky enough to get such good deals and it makes our sister so happy to share this with us. This year the circle was expanded and not all that special to be in; everyone was given the discount and the piece of paper in our pocket was worthless. What was more upsetting is the Friends and Family discount was being used as a store sale meaning nothing else was discounted; no opportunity for legendary stories of getting an additional 20% off items that were already marked down to nothing, no jokes that the store almost had to pay you to walk out with the item.

Realizing that there was little reason to actually go on a spending spree, I had to know why the decision was made to cheapen the meaning of the discount by offering it to everyone. After enquiring with a sales woman on why the largest department store in the US would resort to giving the discount to everyone she gave me the following answer; management found that people get upset at promotions they didn’t get it. Have we gotten so selfish and childish as a society that Macy*s has to pretend that everyone is family? Has our entitlement culture really become so out of hand that people are being petty enough to demand a store discount they don’t deserve?

What infuriated me more then having a pretend sale by including everyone as friend was the thought of thousands of coupons printed for actual employees to share with their loved ones; what an absolute waste of natural resources! In this time of environmental consciousness to be so utterly irresponsible as to waste that much paper is an abomination. A rainforest in Brazil was probably stripped clean so Macy*s could print the coupons AND the signs for the stores saying everyone got the discount.

Even worse then the filling landfills is how this employee perk, used to recruit people for both full-time and seasonal employment, is now worthless in the hiring process. There is no industry worse then retail during the holidays and the ability to get discounts is a tool used to convince people to work the insane hours and deal with irate customers. The sales women I talked with was very upset as she believed the friends and family discount was a perk of her employment and a “gift” she could give those she loved who put up with her stress and crazy schedule during the holiday season. She was absolutely right to feel slighted; her terms of employment and compensation were altered so Macy*s could engage in this badly executed sales ploy.

Over the past few weeks I quickly discovered that this sales tactic was not isolated and retailers nationwide were jumping on the Friends and Family bandwagon. It must be the latest fad in sales and marketing because suddenly emails and coupons came pouring in for a wide variety of stores offering the friends and family discount; Kenneth Cole, H2Oplus, ArtsyTartsy, Gap, Eddie Bauer- the list goes on and on. Each “offer” made me angry for all the people who sacrifice so much of their time and energy this time of year and are now receiving even less compensation for surviving the over-commercialization of Christmas. Perhaps I am overly sensitive since I did not get a cashmere sweater for $8 this year, but after a short time working in retail people who survive sales in December deserve this one little bonus.

Go Elf Yourself

Office Max has joined the "Simpsonize Me" craze with their own holiday version of fun with photoshop; and it is pretty darn cute. Click on the photo below if you want to see my brother-in-law get his Jingle Bells on with me and my sisters.

Many happy return addresses

‘Tis the season to update the old address book and ensure Christmas and Hanukah greetings have a one way ticket rather then a roundtrip right back to your mailbox. Each year this is one task that is met with a variety of challenges and profanities, always taking me far longer then anticipated. Every December I make the same declaration; next year I will make address book updates throughout the year, yet this month is no different then year’s past as I sit here with my list of contacts preparing to send out cards and seriously contemplating on whether it would be easier to just say "bah humbug."

Adequately performing yearly address updates require intense person by person data analysis. From A to Z, each entry is studied in an effort to dust off the brain and remember if the contact experienced any major life changes; moved, got married, got divorced, had a child, adopted a pet. As an emotional person this task can at times be taxing. Joyous and painful moments of the year are experienced all over again with each stroke on the keyboard. Edits are most often for happy reasons with the name of a new child or spouse added to a record. The most painful moments come with the deletes; strained friendships and deaths seem so much more permanent when people no longer live in my address book. Updating an address book is like writing a new chapter in your autobiography, adding detail to the storyline of your supporting cast.

As a self-proclaimed geek I find data analysis extremely interesting and I noticed the following trend: in our twenties friend’s changed their addresses almost as frequently as their underwear. Growing responsibility equals greater stability; it is more likely a “return to sender” comes from retiring family who trade in their family homes for condos in the south then from friends with minivans and car seats. Even my own data has remained unchanged since shortly after my 30th birthday when I moved into my present home and we adopted the youngest member of our furry family.

Performing this update once a year, although time consuming, provides time to really sit down and reflect on the past twelve months and what it meant to the lives of those we love, and to our own. It is so profound to focus on the names of all the wonderful people in my life and the days when we did not have to write Christmas cards because we saw each other at parties and gatherings instead. Each year we write promises in cards, letters and emails to call and write more; easier said then done. While it is sad to see another year pass without those promises fulfilled, it is still comforting to know that the chill of winter is made more bearable by warm wishes from around the world; that is what the holiday season is all about. Long after the decorations are packed away, gifts are forgotten and holiday pounds disappear, memories of cards and letters, news and photos from friends and family remain. While 2008 cannot bring us more time to see family and friends it helps to slow things down, even if only for a day, to take a walk down memory lane and make sure your holiday wishes are not returned.

Gift Giving for Dummies

It is better to give then to receive, but finding perfect gift for everyone on your shopping list makes holiday gift giving stressful for many. It is easy to express anger and disappointment at those who are unable to give suitable gifts, accusing them of being lazy or thoughtless, but we must recognize that the human genome contains genetic coding that predisposes certain individuals to inferior gift giving. If you suffer from this serious condition there is hope. For those unable to pick up on the subtle clues, random comments or blatant advice dropped throughout the year there are options other then gift certificates and fruitcake that will have your loved ones gasping “Wow” rather then “Why” over the holiday season. While Oprah’s famous list of favorite things would break the bank of the average shopper, my favorite things for 2007 gift giving fall into a wide variety of price ranges for those who were naughty or nice on your shopping list.

Design-her Gals Stationary: A good gift for a good cause. Visit Designhergals.com to create a wide variety of stationary bearing the likeness of a special woman on your list. Design options include body type, skin color, hair color and style, clothes, shoes and accessories. A percentage of the proceeds from each purchase support women with Stage 4 breast cancer. Just make sure to run the avatar design past another friend to ensure the design really looks like the recipient. My personal favorites are the checklists and notecards (as pictured).

Spa Wish: I know people see the purchase of gift certificates as both easy and practical but honestly, it is the ultimate sign of thoughtlessness. It is better to actually put the time and effort into understanding what someone would like from a store then to give them a gift certificate to that same store. And here is what retailers don’t want people to know; so many people forget to use those gift cards before they expire, meaning free cash to businesses. The only exception to the no gift cards rule is for experiences and services; pedicures, massages, sky diving, etc. My personal favorite is Spa Wish where the lucky recipient can get a wide variety of spa services from participating salons and spas. These can be purchased on spawish.com or at a variety of stores who sell gift cards. Costco currently carries the cards at a discount meaning more massage for less moolah.

Personalized Greetings: There are so many ways to design and print personalized calendars these days that I’m surprised that traditional calendars bearing the photos of random animals, people, places and things, often seen in the middle of malls in temporary kiosks, even sell anymore. Broderbund has software bringing creative calendar creations to your home computer, but I personally prefer to use online printers to make calendars for family. Most online photo sites have calendars, but I prefer to use kodakgallery.com (formerly ofoto) for their quality product. To add an extra touch to a calendar, purchase a good acid free photo pen from a craft store (like Michael’s) and include birthdays, anniversaries and other special dates to add a special touch to an already perfect gift. If calendars are not appropriate, Kodak Gallery has a wide variety of fun gifts from picture books to coffee mugs that are sure to please.

Skin of Soft and Clean: Some people find the gift of fine soaps and toiletries impersonal which is completely valid if giving a random gift set purchased at Walgreen’s on Christmas Eve. Much more personal is giving luxurious products that most people resist indulging in due to cost considerations. If you know your recipient has brand loyalty to a certain line of products, then fill up a stocking of their favorite things. Otherwise, I recommend anything from H2O+. All their products are water based and use natural vitamins and minerals found in the sea, meet a wide variety of skin needs and are ideal for those with super sensitive skin. H2O+ also takes a firm stand against animal testing, a very important quality for animal lovers. My personal recommendations include; Milk hair products, Aqualibrium skin line, Spa Sea Salt body wash and skin smoother, and Mint foot cream to avoid winter dry feet.

Memories: Most people can’t remember the gifts they received in years past, but everyone remembers an amazing experience long after it is over. Check out local theatres for upcoming shows, see if a favorite performer is coming into town, rent a limo for a night out on the town, book a stay at a bed and breakfast, plan a trip to a favorite or new destination, get tickets to the Superbowl; the level of extravagance can vary to any budget or time constraint.

Class Act: Taking a class with a friend or loved one can be both educational and fun. Check out your local continuing education programs or community colleges and centers to see what kind of programs they offer. Some classes meet a night or two a week for an extended period of time while others are only one time affairs. Does someone special to you want to learn Thai cooking, photography, ballroom dance, or underwater basket weaving? Give them the gift of knowledge and fun that lasts long after the egg nog is done.

Holiday Spirits: If you need hostess gifts for holiday parties, thank you gifts for co-workers or want to spread the holiday spirit to neighbors invest in a case (or two) of Brotherhood’s Holiday Wine brought to you from America’s oldest winery. The spiced wine in a holiday themed gift bag is the perfect gift on the go. Lucky recipients will enjoy the wine heated up with cinnamon sticks and served in a mug. Delicious!

Start a Tradition: The gifts that are given year after year are often the most memorable. If you have someone on your list who has a collection, give them a new piece every year. Holiday Villages, crystal, toy trains, remote control cars, carousel horses; the choices are a unique as the people you are buying them for. Even if they know what they are expecting, they will be happy to grow their collectables. Another idea is beginning a Christmas ornament tradition which is especially nice for children; a special ornament a year will show how they and times have changed and give them special decorations and memories for their own tree long after they leave Mom and Dad’s.

Framing: Whether you take the expensive route of a professional framing or head to a store and buy a pre-sized frame, finding a special photo, poster, painting, childhood artwork, baseball card, stamp, anything really and framing it is an amazing gesture. The growing ease and sinking costs associated with photo restoration can also be a way to give a memorable and special gift in a beautiful frame; restore an old wedding photo, baby pictures, special vacation shot. Keep memories alive by fixing those old photos, writing the names of those in the shot (with a photo safe pencil), and preserving it for generations to come.

A Girl’s Best Friend: Jewelry is of course a very nice gift for those demanding people on your list but random jewelry purchases without meaning are just as impersonal as a gift card. Jewelry purchases should be memorable and have special meaning to the recipient so they remember years later who purchased the piece and when they received it. Understand what type of jewelry a person likes; are they an earring person, pendants, rings, bracelets. Get timeless pieces, those that never go out of style. Get something special like a mother’s ring of birthstones. When in doubt, diamonds are a girl’s best friend and Costco is a man’s best friend; all diamonds are guaranteed to appraise at double the purchase price and are procured through legal channels adhering to the United Nations anti-conflict diamond process.

Presentation: Someone once said life is 10% substance and 90% presentation and that same logic applies to the holidays. Have fun with the wrapping and presenting. If you get that limo ride to a show then buy a matchbox car limo and wrap that with the tickets. Heading on a tropical vacation, then put the tickets into a beach bag. Be creative and fully experience the joy of giving.

Once upon a The End

The telephone rings at an odd hour and immediately your gut tells you the news is not good. Before even answering the phone your mind begins to race and anticipate why someone would be calling; your body preparing for the worst. In the few seconds it takes to actually say “hello” you have run through a list of names and possibilities; maybe someone got engaged, or had a baby, or won the lottery, maybe, just maybe, the news is good. For those who have experienced this phone call, the news is rarely good; it is either something that requires a late night run to the hospital or a sleepless evening staring at the ceiling with tears. Ultimately the few seconds of thought usually ends in the conclusion that an older relative is in the hospital or passed on; news that differs from that train of thought is much harder to digest.

When someone young dies the instinct of self-preservation kicks as we naturally compare our life and our body to the person that died; feigning our personal fear of dying young. It is easy to distance your own mortality from that of a younger friend when the reason for their death is caused by a controllable event; so sad but that won’t happen to me because I never ride motorcycles, skydive, drive without a seatbelt, work in construction, do drugs, wash skyscraper windows, play extreme sports, miss a monthly breast exam, bike without a helmet, work in Bagdad, take anti-depressants, run with scissors, etc. etc. etc. Truly scary is when the cause of death is something that is unavoidable, things normally assumed to happen to those with many years fully lived.

An amazing member of our extended pack of friends died of a massive heart attack driving home from the gym last week; he was 49 years old. While some younger people might view 49 as old, they will learn with age and increased wisdom that 49 is solidly within one’s prime of life. The mundane events before the heart attack serve as a reminder of how delicate life is and how it could end for any one of us in an instant; in the car while phoning home, talking about dinner plans and what was on TV that night, a casual mention of feeling ill and sudden silence followed by a crash. We can each relate to the above routine, but for our friend routine was broken suddenly, tragically, leaving behind stunned loved ones and more then likely a very messy desk at work.

It is unhealthy to live every day dreading our impending death but it is important to remember that our time on earth is fragile and finite. In real life there are no cheat codes to grant users an extra 30 lives; we only get one turn at this game. The sudden death of a friend put things into perspective and reminded me how important it is to live life to the fullest. What defines a full life is different to each of us; we must understand our goals in life as individuals and not adopt those of their friends, family and the media. What kind of job is fulfilling, provides enough compensation to accomplish non-career goals, and allows enough personal time to actually have a life outside of work? What is important to you; is it family, friends, travel, volunteer work, gardening, photography, singing, dancing, underwater-basket weaving and are you making time to do those things? If you died tomorrow what would others remember about you and would they know to clean out your bottom drawer to spare your mother any embarrassment? Unfortunately life is not like the movies or a fairy tale allowing us the opportunity to finish our story, tie a little bow on it, have a happy ending and expunge our house and offices of incriminating evidence.

Our friend would not want us to be sad and mourn, but to celebrate his life. What I do mourn most is the lost opportunity to know him better and appreciate all he brought to the world; his ability to command a room of people, make a new friend instantly, pour a drink or make us laugh. He left the world too early with too many stories left to tell, but his legacy serves as a reminder to all to embrace life, fill it with friends, have fun, see the world and to cherish love; if we continue to put off until tomorrow what is important to us today we might never get around to what matters most.

Betta Assets

If your life had a play list, what songs would provide the background music? This is a question I cannot quickly answer look forward to listening to every CD in the house searching for the perfect mix of music and lyrics that encapsulates my existence on earth. While I work on my own personal play list, I wanted to share the songs that remind me of my family; especially my sisters and cousins. While most families would be offended at the following list I am quite confident that mine, the family that considers “Baby Got Back” a wedding anthem, feel a certain pride with these songs that celebrate our best assets:

Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-lot
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing!

Fat Bottom Girls by Queen
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round

Rump Shaker by Wreckx-N-Effect
All I wanna do is zoom-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom
Just shake your rump

Big Bottom by Spinal Tap
Big bottom, big bottom
Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em

Thong Song by Sisqó
Ooh that dress so scandalous
And you know another nigga can't handle it
So you shakin that thang like who's the ish
With a look in yer eyes so devilish

Shake Your Booty by K.C. and the Sunshine Band
Oh, shake shake shake, shake shake shake,
Shake your booty! Shake your booty.
(and really, that’s the whole song…)

Shoop by Salt-n-Pepa
Ummm, you're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back
Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that (thanks, Mom)
Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie?
If looks could kill you would be an uzi

My Humps by Black Eyed Peas
(alternate version by Alanis Morissette)
What you gon' do wit all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
What you gon' do wit all that breast?
all that breast inside that shirt?

Bootylicious by Destiny’s Child
I don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my body too bootylicious for ya babe

Doin da Butt by E.U.
A big girl gettin' busy, just rockin' to the go-go beat
The way she shook her booty sho' looked good to me
I said, 'Come here, big girl, won't you rock my world…

You can Do it (Put that Butt in to it) by Ice Cube
Baby bounce them tits
Mama move them hips
Baby shake them cheeks

That Girl Is Poison by Bel Biv Devo
Never trust a big butt and smile

Brickhouse by The Commodores
Shes a brick----house
Mighty might just lettin it all hang out
Shes a brick----house
The ladys stacked and thats a fact

And there you have the butt playlist... if you have any additions, please leave a comment.

Layovers and Connections

Unless you have lived under a rock for the past 10 plus years, are unable to use a radio or somehow managed to avoid being in a car after 7pm weekdays, then chances are you know of the radio personality Delilah. My memories of her raspy voice, the overly mushy callers pouring their hearts out and Delilah’s knack for choosing a song dedication to perfectly match her caller’s sappy story go way back to a time I frequently drove the I-95 corridor between New York and Virginia over a decade ago. Although her narratives cause excessive gagging and the chosen music can slip listeners dangerously into coma territory, the evening Delilah show is one thing a radio can consistently pick up regardless to what stretch of road you find yourself on from coast-to-coast. Delilah continues to reach my ears through the radio waves, encouraging her listeners to “love someone tonight,” whether life has me on I-95 in the Northeast, California’s Pacific Highway, or I-94 in Chicago. She has evolved from Chicken Soup for the Romantic’s soul into an overly moral, Dr. Phil meets Sally Jesse Raphael on saccharine laced crack irritating preacher, yet here I sit in a hotel room in San Antonio, Texas listening to her little program which causes me to ponder; how many things in life do we do not because we enjoy it, pays the bills or provides others any pleasure, but simply because it is familiar?

It is not hard to think of dozens of things we do, eat, or listen to for reasons other then the connection they provide to the past. Holiday traditions are an excellent example of this; cranberry sauce that maintains the shape of the can, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, pickled herring, capozzelli (lamb’s head for you non-Italians), lutefisk (cod soaked in lye for you non-Scandinavians). Each one of us can attest to the items that hit our table during celebrations that either sit untouched for the entire meal or are consumed under great amounts of protest. Holiday after holiday, year after year, we muster up the courage to cook and consume a variety of foods because somehow the holiday would not be the same without them. The comfort and consistency we find in these items and remind us of our past and connect us to family and strangers alike.

Time goes by, years fly, generations pass and after a while no one remembers why we streak campus on the day of the first snowfall, watch the mind-numbing Yule log burning bright on channel 11, haze underclassmen with duct tape and cans of shaving cream, toilet paper and parade around school on the last day of class, or wear an unflattering shade of white in our weddings. We simply do these silly, crazy or disgusting things because others; extended family, friends of friends of friends, distinguished alumni, and random people from distant history, established the traditions and laid the path to follow long before we were even blips on the radar screen of life.How does the Delilah evening radio program connect with the rich tapestry of traditions that binds us to the past? They are linked through the similar emotions they invoked; comfort, familiarity, warmth and stability, feelings so powerful they often cause us to do things we do not like or understand just to connect us with the past, strengthen our relationships, and feel secure in our chaotic world. Each time I hear of a person who dismisses traditions as “old-fashion,” outdated or stupid I cannot help but think how they miss the big picture; generations of people, alive and dead, connected through shared customs. These traditions might evolve as families grow, cultures merge and the world progresses, but at the heart they remain a keystone in the building block of our lives.

So here I sit, listening to a radio program because it connects me to a time long ago when life often had me stranded in a car or a hotel room far away from home yearning for a little company; Delilah provided that company. What began as means to get me through long drives turned into a personal ritual anytime work sends me far from home. It is the same reason I dye eggs at Easter although I hate my eggs hard boiled, blow out candles when I would rather blow past a birthday, wrestle with tangled Christmas lights when it is 20 below outside, and recite the traditional lord’s prayer even when a church uses the modern version; the more things change, the more important it is do some things the same. As the late Deborah Kerr said in “An Affair to Remember,” “Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories,” and many memories are warmer when shared repeatedly with others over the course of a lifetime.

A Perfect (Kris)Ten

Stop copying me! Any person with siblings has screamed this at one time or another. My mother insisted that imitation was the sincerest form of flattery but that provided little solace to having one sister who repeated my words and another that repeated my actions. Particularly difficult was growing up with a sister like Krissy who was 3 years younger but consistently excelled beyond her age in her accomplishments. We sang in the choir, competed in the same sports, played the violin, excelled in academics, participated in similar after school activities and shared many friends. The frustrating thing was not really the copying of what I did as much as the surpassing; everything I could do Krissy could do better.

Being the oldest child comes with certain parental and societal expectations including the dreaded burden of setting a good example for younger siblings; being well behaved, achieving academic success, and providing parents a helping hand when in need. Parents unknowingly increase the pressure on the oldest through setting the expectation that their role is to outperform their siblings, creating an instant rivalry and a source of constant competition. Other factors like growing up in a small town and being in a family of all girls, fueled our fire and created the most intense rivalry seen since that between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier.

Sisters is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship.
-Margaret Mead

Krissy had her own set of birth-order issues; with only three years difference she was all too often compared to her older sister. Teachers and coaches were quick to pick up on the relationship and point out my past performances to her. Krissy struggled to find her own place in the world, one that allowed her to demonstrate her strengths outside the family circle. Like many middle siblings, she eventually chose different paths then her us just to carve her own destiny, where she did excel and shine. What no one ever told her was even if she continued to drive down a path in direct competition with her sisters she would have eventually shown the world something I have known for years; Krissy is one tough cookie who could beat us at anything she put her mind to.

Sisters annoy, interfere, criticize. Indulge in monumental sulks, in huffs, in snide remarks. Borrow. Break. Monopolize the bathroom. Are always underfoot. But if catastrophe should strike, sisters are there. Defending you against all comers.
- Pam Brown

While Krissy thought it was tough living in my shadow, she did not know it was the shadow she cast with her brilliance, her talent, her beauty and her success that drove me to work harder just to maintain my place in the pack. Krissy’s achievements provided a constant source of pressure and my achievements would be a fraction of what they are today without such a fierce competitor. Even in our adulthood, many years removed from attending the same school and living in the same house, I live in fear of what she will accomplish next and what that will inevitably drive me to do. Will I need to get a masters degree, swim the English Channel or take up the oboe just to feel adequate in her presence? Time will only tell…

Although Krissy is smarter, prettier and more talented then me, she never got the praise, credit and attention she deserved. That has some to do with being the middle child, but it has more to do with the most important lesson I learned from our competitive relationship; the power of self-promotion. As any business student learns, it is not necessarily the best product that gets the biggest sales but often the best marketing plan. Krissy forced me to be more outgoing, to point out my achievements, to refocus the attention on me and to realize that it is not what you know, or even who you know, but who knows you that counts. I learned that there will always be people in the world who are equally if not more gifted and talented and part of success is marketing yourself.

When sisters stand shoulder to shoulder, who stands a chance against us?
- Pam Brown

For 29 years, my sister has kept me on my toes and made me a more successful person. The beauty of sisterhood is while this rivalry could have driven us apart, it instead made us stronger and closer. While we continue to compete with each other I know the moment it is us against the world, our teamwork will give the rest of the planet quite a run for their money. Krissy becomes more amazing and unstoppable with every passing year and I look forward the increased competition as she enters her 29th year. Happy Birthday!