Couch Potato for a Day

Sometime over the Thanksgiving holiday I managed to pick up the plague from one or more of the dozens of people I came in contact with allowing the unique opportunity to take a good old fashion sick day. Armed with chicken noodle soup, hot tea, tissues and a remote control, I battled my ear, nose, throat disaster area and made the following sick day observations:

1. You are not the father: Would Maury Povich even have a career without DNA technology?
2. I’ve fallen and I can’t come on down: If the Medicare, AARP, Medic Alert, Prescription Drug and Scooter commercials are any indication of the demographic watching morning television viewers would break their hip if they were the next contestant on the Price is Right. Don’t kids stay home sick and watch game shows anymore?
3. Is that your final answer: How Regis does not turn around and belt the ever effervescent and chipper Kelly Ripa across the face is amazing. Of course the same statement could be made regarding Kelly’s restraint with Regis.
4. Where in the World is Matt Lauer: The Today Show could not possibly squeeze out any more commercial dollars; the commercial time to show ratio is about 2 to 1.
5. Like sands through the Microdermabrasion: Soap Opera casts have changed very little over the past 25 years. Not only are the actors playing the same parts they did when leg warmers were first in style but many have visited their local plastic surgeon in an effort to look just as they did when Luke married Laura. Creepy.
6. Stupid is as stupid does: Maury Povich, Jerry Springer, Judge Judy, Dr. Phil and all other programs relying on large numbers of people performing stupid acts have yet to run out of dumb ideas or candidates for their shows, permanently damaging my faith in humanity and derailing equality through promoting racial and gender stereotypes.
7. No Pop Quizzes: Not once during the roughly 8 hours of viewing time was there a test of the emergency broadcast system, the high pitched squeal and rainbow colored stripes warning viewers of eminent danger. It made me realize I have not heard the familiar phrase “this is a test, this is only a test” in quite some time. Did the end of the cold war bring an end to the emergency broadcast system?
8. Side-effects include hysteria and dry mouth: I started the day with a really bad cold and ended it with a number of new conditions like restless leg syndrome and irritable bowel syndrome brought on by the hypochondria that is inherently tied to hours of pharmaceutical commercials.
9. Get out of work free card: Do networks offer discounted advertising fees to law offices who run commercials aimed to keep those hurt or injured home permanently, increasing their viewership? I have never seen so many lawyers with commercials aimed at those hurt on the job, encouraging them to get the help they need to stay home permanently. If the same effort went in to fixing the ailments of these individuals we would find the cure for countless diseases.
10. Hail Oprah: After hours upon hours of watching useless garbage aimed at celebrating idiocy, increasing consumer debt, advocating panic and promoting gender and racial prejudice I can finally understand why so many women admire and praise Oprah Winfrey; she is royalty in a lineup of jesters.