Like Fine Wine

How old do you think she is? This question occasionally comes up when watching television or a movie. Either the person is a long time public figure and still looks great, or is aging before our very eyes. Professional makeup and photographic air brushing create a warped sense of what people should look like at a given age. We watch actors and actresses age gracefully, read countless articles on the forty and fifty fabulous set, and forget that artists and modern technology make it easy to erase years of a person’s face and body. On the flip side we have an up and coming generation of stars and starlets who take the teenage desire to look older to a whole new level with heavy makeup and provocative clothing. With the old looking young and the young looking old, it is increasingly difficult to play the age guessing game and even worse, answer the question “do I look my age?”

Today is my thirty-third birthday, and it is actually much less traumatic then thirty-two. I am old enough to understand how the beauty, fashion, and entertainment industries promote unhealthy and unattainable goals but young enough to still obsess with what I look like. I am old enough to know that airbrushes enhance the cleavage of Victoria Secret models but young enough to hope their bras can still grant the dream of gravity defying boobs. I am old enough to know that Demi Moore, Halle Berry and other “aging” stars have a team of doctors, makeup artists, nutritionists, and photographers working to hide wrinkles and cellulite; but young enough to pray that good genes and excellent skin care will render me a bombshell at any age. I have the age and wisdom to know the games Hollywood play, but have yet to lose the naivety and arrogance to believe the rules of the game actually apply to me.

Whether it is because of a more mature look, the confident swagger that no person in their twenties possesses, a change in body shape, established career, or more classic clothing, there comes a certain point where it is very apparent that you are in your thirties. Thirty-three is around the age where it becomes nearly impossible to pretend you are twenty-nine, no matter how good you look.

To determine how I looked in comparison to other women my age, I searched wikipedia for women born the same year as me; 1975. Some highly esteemed company share my birth year, many are undoubtedly gorgeous, but do they “look their age?”

Heather Chadwell: Bret Michael’s runner up in season one of Rock of Love, currently on I Love Money, is who sparked my curiosity on what women born in 1975 look like. When I say curiosity I really mean “scared the crap out of me and fueled a skin product shopping spree”.

Stacy Ann “Fergie” Ferguson: The Black Eyed Peas singer turned solo artist has a killer body, but her years as a meth addict make her look a bit worn around the edges. Her body is still kicking, but the meth and cocaine diet is not endorsed by the American Medical Association.

Angelina Jolie: One can’t help but look older than their age with six children under their belts. She is a beautiful woman, but did anyone think for a moment think she was only 33?

Melanie Brown: Perhaps it is the stress of a public battle with Eddie Murphy regarding the paternity of their child, but Scary Spice is looking a little scary these days (although not as scary as Posh Spice, Victoria Beckham).

Kimora Lee Simmons: She looks good, but it is hard not to think she’s older due to her ex-husband, Russell Simmons, being 18 years her senior.

Tara Reid: She still parties like she’s in her twenties, but will turn 33 this November. My father used to say “it’s not the age, it’s the mileage” and Tara has certainly put on a lot of miles in her 33 years. She still looks okay despite years of bodily abuse, but plastic surgery can only help for so long before Tara starts looking like Joan Rivers.

Lauryn Hill: All I can say is wow, she used to be so ripped, so gorgeous. 5 kids really can age a person.

Mayim Bialik: Blossom from the show by the same name. She hasn’t changed a bit, she still looks like a socially awkward teenager.

Milla Jovovich: As a super-model she has a leg up on the rest of us mere mortals in the looks department, but her skin seems to be thinning a bit; she looks translucent.

Sara Gilbert: Darlene Conner from Roseanne looks around the same age as me, so do we look 33 or younger then 33? She looks older then her days as a teenage TV star, but is still recognizable.

Natalie Imbruglia: I cannot help but think she had some work, but this music star from Australia, best known for her song “Torn,” is somehow avoiding the sun damage that occurs living in a country with a thin ozone layer. She looks good.

Danica McKellar: Winnie Cooper from “The Wonder Years” is still adorable, and adorable is hard to pull off at 33.

Drew Barrymore: Drew looks fantastic, and the only reason I would think she looks older than 33 is because she’s been around FOREVER. Of course I could be biased; Drew’s Great-Grandmother and my Great-Great Grandmother were sisters or cousins or something like that, making me a fourth cousin twice removed. No matter what the connection, women in my family age beautifully!

Eva Longoria: This Desparate Housewives star is the youngest of the housewives, but does she look as young as 33? I’m torn on this particular starlet, she’s beautiful, married to a much younger man, but something about her eye area makes me question whether she’s really 33.

Charlize Theron: Bitch. No seriously, Charlize is a timeless beauty who will continue to grace magazine covers for decades to come. Part of the beauty is a natural glow and presence that few people possess.

Kate Winslet: Kate looks the same today as she did in Titanic ten years ago. She is somehow comes off as both elegant and down to earth at the same time. Hollywood is always looking for her to lose 10 to 20 pounds, but she maintains her stance that she is a curvy woman and won’t give in to those demands. Her strength in the face of societal pressures makes her more attractive, and me proud to share a birth year with such a buxom beauty.

So there it is; the good, the bad and the ugly ladies of 1975. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and everyone could have a different opinion on how these women, and I, are aging. Ultimately age is just a number, but there is so much pressure to maintain the looks of a 19 year old that it is a number that is sometimes scary. I’m not 19 anymore, or 29. My laugh lines reveal 30+ years of smiles, crow’s feet disclose decades of deep thoughts, and sun spots show years dancing in the sunlight. Perhaps thirty-three is the age where we start to realize that some people are like fine wine; we only get better with age.

It's Not Easy Eating Green

People on average weigh more today then they did in decades past. Experts blame everything from larger portion sizes to more sedentary lifestyles; valid reasons for the waistline explosion. As any person who has ever tried to “do the right thing” with eating and exercise can to attest to, sometimes efforts just don’t work. Whether the weight just doesn’t come off or cravings and emotions sabotage any ability to drop poundage, our best efforts are often thwarted. Even after working with a dietician, I ended the day hungry, craving sweets and junk with such rabid intensity it was wise for friends and family to stay out of the way or they could lose an appendage. As part of my effort to live a healthier life, I began focusing more on what was going into my body and the result it had on my mood, feeling, and waistline. Aspartame is a known enemy and eliminating it from my body yielded incredible results. Could other man made substances be the cause of an appetite that far outweighs my caloric need?

“French Women Don’t Get Fat,” “You on a Diet,” “Animal, Vegetable, Miracle,” and “In Defense of Food,” are just a few books that inspired me to stop dieting and just eat healthier. Each chapter of these books led to a greater understanding of human physiological, psychological, physical, emotional and cultural eating habits, and issues in our food supply chain. If I were to sum up each of these books with a theme they would be:

• French Women Don’t Get Fat: Enjoy the passion of good food (and wine!) with all your senses.
• Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: Think Globally, Eat Locally.
• In Defense of Food: Better living through nature, not chemistry.
• You on a Diet: If you filled your car with crap and drove it everywhere in first gear it would break down and so do you.

Creating a “diet” based upon the principles of a healthy, natural, organic lifestyle led to the “Lean, Mean, Green Eating Machine” eating plan (maybe I should trademark this). The Green Eating Machine does not consist of eating twigs and berries or moving to Colorado with the rest of the granola-heads (disclaimer: I love granola and the people who eat it). It is possible to get tasty, amazing, flavorful, and enjoyable meals that are rich in vitamins, nutrients, and antioxidants. The overall guidelines for the Lean, Mean, Green Eating Machine diet are:

• Focus organic eating on “the dirty dozen:” Eating everything organic is almost impossible due to availability issues and cost. Several publications have listed 12 types of foods most affected by pesticides and poor farming practices so consumers can make smarter organic decisions. Essentially the list is meat, thin skinned fruits and vegetables, and coffee. Honestly, if you haven’t eaten an organic heirloom tomato or free-range organic chicken you haven’t lived.
• Buy Locally: Food transported over thousands of miles is engineered to survive the trip. The genetic engineering and travel compromise the taste and quality of the food. Buying locally also supports farmers in your region, bringing more dollars to the people who actually do the farming rather than multi-national food companies. This also cuts down on the use of fossil fuels in food transportation, saving gas for our own cars.
• Reading is Fundamental: Only consume ingredients that are pronounceable and made by nature, not a scientist. For the most part this means reading labels for unnatural and unpronounceable components. These fake foods and ingredients are stealing people of what their bodies need to thrive. Large corporations make money on feeding us crap they can manufacture and getting us to eat and buy more; our health and wellness is not a factor in their bottom line.
• Eliminate High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS): We have to import sugar in the United States but can manufacture plenty HFCS with our corn supplies in the US, making it a cheap option for American food manufacturers. This chemical “food” is used as a sugar replacement for a large percentage of foods and beverages in the United States but is left out of foods in overseas markets. Perhaps that is how the French (and everyone else) stay so thin despite a diet rich in cheese, cream and animal fat. Many researchers claim that HFCS prohibits brain receptors from receiving the message that you are full, leading to overeating. There is a great debate whether HFCS leads to obesity with some studies reporting it does and others refuting it. All I know is rise of obesity rates happen to mirror the rise of HFCS use in our food supply. Coincidence? I think not.
• Fresh is best: Pre-packaged and pre-prepared foods are loaded with ingredients and calories none of our bodies wants nor needs. Start off with real, fresh ingredients and food will taste better and be better for you. When shopping, stick to the farmer's market or the outer aisles of the grocery store to keep it real and fresh.
• Keep it Real: The diet industry and food manufacturers are trying to get us to eat substitutes for the foods we really want, leading us to keep eating (and spending) more until we actually “break down” and eat what we want in the first place. Stop using substitutes that are unsatisfying and taste awful. A little real ice cream, butter, chocolate, beer, and cheese is more satisfying then tasteless cardboard.
• Cut Down on Bottles: Environmentally friendly and a way to consume fewer calories in the alcohol format. We are either the best recyclers on our block or we produce the most beer and wine bottles for our blue bin, and my guess is we might produce a bottle or two more then our neighbors. Either way my goal was to have more AFD’s (Alcohol Free Days) than AD’s to cut down on the bottles and the empty calories. With fewer then 3 AD’s a week it takes a lot less to get the job done, also saving calories.
• Use less gas: Walking, biking, and skating to get to the store are great ways to reduce carbon emissions and use of fossil fuels. Added bonus, burning more calories!

There are some downsides to eating green; if there weren’t, everyone would be doing it.

• Expensive: The short term expense of switching to organic or locally grown and produced food is apparent with each item costing a little more then foods from industrial farms. I could go into length on how industrial farming causes long term damage, actually costs society more, etc. etc. None of those things would have convinced me to pay more for a tomato, but then I thought about it in different terms. We have no problem spending more money on electronics, games, health and beauty products, clothes, and other material consumer items. It is a shame that Whole Foods is on a mission to demonstrate their competive prices. Food actually goes into our body, affects our chemistry, influences our mood, impacts our overall heath, and contributes to our longevity. Is this not worth a little bit extra money? Long term you actually save money going more organic with fewer illnesses driving costs of doctors and medicines. It takes a little bit to notice, but green eating is so much more nutritious that you actually end up eating less quantity, therefore saving money.
• Seasonal: Embracing the true meaning of eating green, and experiencing the intense flavors lacking in imported fruits and vegetables, means understanding the seasonality of produce and when certain foods are available. This is a difficult proposition for Americans who are used to getting and eating anything they want, whenever they want. There are certain things I love that I can never get locally, like pineapples, and I try my best to make sure those items are at least from the United States. Since King Crab has yet to be harvested from the Lake Superior it remains an exception to my new local rule; hey, someone has to support the Deadliest Catch guys! Asparagus is available year round, but is really only at its peak for a short period in early spring. Enjoy foods while they are in season; the flavors are more intense and worth the wait.
• Time Consuming: It takes more time to cook healthy meals then popping a Lean Cuisine or Stouffer’s meal in the oven or microwave. People have gotten so busy in their lives that the “joy of cooking” and eating has shifted to the bottom of people’s priority list. Good food takes time, and meals should be enjoyed and savored at a table, not in a car or hovered over a sink. People who think they don’t have enough time to cook or enjoy a good meal at least once a day should consider reprioritizing their calendars. Some of my most cherished memories in life are family meals, a dying ritual for many families. Cut out some of the television time and make a healthy meal to share with family or friends instead.
• Palate retraining: We have all heard people talk about certain foods or drinks as “acquired tastes.” Our bodies adapt to new flavors and textures and learn to like or dislike foods. Many fast foods and pre-packaged and processed meals contain man made compounds that actually make things taste better then they actually are, and trigger the craving mechanism in our brains. People who stop eating something like McDonald’s for a long period of time often report it tasting different or bad then they remember from the past; the palate and brain untrained the desire for fast food. Introducing healthier foods often takes a little bit to get used to. For me, the big challenge was natural peanut butter, which is not nearly as sugary sweet as brands most of us grew up on. After a few weeks (I eat a lot of peanut butter sandwiches!) my body started to appreciate the simplicity of peanut butter that contained nothing but peanuts. I ran out of real peanut butter and made a sandwich with the sugary stuff and had to throw the sandwich out. After a few months of eating the natural version the ingredient heavy manufactured stuff tasted awful. This same palate training is the basis of so many children’s cook books, like The Sneaky Chef, that call for hiding the healthy stuff into food. Not only do you slip extra nutrients into meals, but eventually this helps train the palate of the eater to be more accepting of vegetables.
• Limitations: Start reading labels and you quickly learn how many things on our store shelves contain unpronounceable ingredients and high fructose corn syrup. The quest to eliminate man made chemicals from your diet is challenging and it takes some time at first to learn what foods are okay. Certain foods that you expect to be “healthy” are actually packed unnatural and sometimes harmful ingredients. Some discoveries are actually heartbreaking; Special K, Triscuits, bread crumbs. Forget about a microwave meal! One of the happiest moments in food shopping history was seeing the words “Now Made Without High Fructose Corn Syrup” on a package of Thomas’ English muffins.

It may not be easy eating green, but it sure makes a difference in body and mind. During the first 6 months of this green eating journey I have noticed so many changes. The most obvious; my weight, 21 pounds lost without really “dieting;” I pretty much ate what I wanted; so long as it wasn’t crap. My sugar cravings, a huge part of my struggles with calories, disappeared. My hair grew stronger and shinier. My skin cleared up; issues with cyst-like acne on my chin no longer a problem. If all this was not enough to convince myself and those around me how much better eating fresh and local was for my body, how I feel right now might. Family and career stress of the past six weeks sent me right back to some old habits; eating store processed foods, not reading labels, imbibing in adult beverages way too often. This brief jump off the healthy wagon and onto the chuck wagon served as a reminder that eating green made a noticeable difference in my health and well being. After six weeks of abandoning the Green Diet I am 8 pounds heavier, terribly lethargic, achy, taking longer to recover from a workout, experiencing acne breakouts, and constantly hungry. Writing about this “diet plan” is not meant to be preachy; it is an exercise to document what made me healthy and successful earlier this year so I can get back to business. Read the books I mentioned above, they are inspirational and eye opening. If you decided to try the green diet let me know how it goes. The diet industry is worth billions…

Live shorter and still prosper

Recently released life expectancy figures for 2006 show a new record high in the United States; 78.1 years of age. While much of the rise in life expectancy during US history is attributed to advances in childhood medicine and better public sanitation, more recent upward trends point at the “miracles of modern medicine” giving people the tools needed to treat diseases associated with aging. On the surface this looks like great news; yea! We’re living longer. But life expectancy figures measure only age and do not take into account the physical condition of people on the upper ends of the age spectrum and the quality of life that they lead. There is a fine line between saving a life and artificially prolonging one. What are we sacrificing to tack on a few extra years at the end of our lives?

How do we define life? Is it simply a beating heart or is it the ability to think, enjoy, love, worship, or laugh? Some argue that life is so precious that all means should be taken to keep a person breathing. This mindset keeps people fighting for the physical lives of their family when the person and everything they cherished about their life is already gone. We lose focus of what makes a life, things like happiness and joy, and instead trudge through existence just breathing, not living. As one of our nation’s greatest leaders, Abraham Lincoln, once said; “And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” The wisdom and power of those words from centuries past are timeless.

This shift towards unhappiness is characterized in movies and television as an unavoidable rite of passage to old age. Ever wonder why people often turn into bitter “curmudgeons?” Perhaps it is because they are told they cannot eat, drink, or do anything that actually made them enjoy life in the first place! Maybe they didn't grow up dreaming about living their last decades in a nursing home where the highlight of their day is penny bingo after their chopped liver lunch. I feel for the sick, the old and the dying who are told they can’t have something they really want because it is bad for their health or because the doctor said so. Battle old age all you want, it is always going to win. If someone makes it 80, 90, or 100 years old they should be rewarded with all the red meat, fried chicken, and booze they want. Watch your diet when you’re young and it actually matters, by 90 who the hell cares? If dying wishes include an ice cream sundae it is really not the time to be worrying about glucose readings; have your cake and eat it too, literally. I have a verbal pact (which I guess will be written here now) with my husband; if I cannot eat, talk, laugh or kiss him, my favorite things in the world to do, then please just pull the plug.

The United States leads the world in the amount of money spent on healthcare in a person’s final year of life. Doctors are in the business of saving lives, and this includes performing “medical heroics” that all too often extend a person’s calendar years with little consideration to the kind of life the person can lead afterwards. People with long-term, debilitating, incurable illnesses are given a battery of surgeries, medicines and procedures to keep them alive but are so rarely reminded that the choice to continue fighting is ultimately theirs and their families. Sometimes years pass where a person is alive but without any signs of life, and with medical advances this is going to happen more and more frequently.

When it comes to heroics, the only thing more courageous than choosing to battle a disease is the courage it takes to realize the disease won and concede the fight. After people decide to stop medical treatments and take a chance with whatever comes after this world, doctors, with their lifesaving possibilities behind them, often step aside and let the end of life experts take charge; nurses. Hospice and Palliative nurses deliver physical, psychosocial, emotional, and spiritual care to the terminally ill and their families. These Nurses prepare patients and their families for the final days through education, comfort, and compassion. I can think of no other career path that requires such opposing capabilities; the strength to watch people die and the compassion to help them and their families through the pain and loss. I consider myself incredibly blessed to work with nurses almost everyday, women and men who teach very valuable lessons on navigating the rivers of life (if you are willing to listen!). The work they do serves as a reminder of lessons learned from family and friends who made the most of their time on earth; live life to the fullest, enjoy every day, and to take better care of yourself when you’re young so the years added are actually healthy ones.


This is dedicated to my Father-in-law John, who realized he was losing his battle against kidney failure and said enough; living out his last days in the comfort and care of a hospice nurse team. Thank you to the nurses who took care of him, who have ever cared for me and my family, and who I am blessed to have as friends and co-workers; you are truly special people for choosing a profession that requires so much skill and compassion.

Our Daily Walk

Every diet, every gym, every workout infomercial comes with a “CYA” warning, alerting consumers to consult with a doctor before starting a new diet or exercise routine. If you actually consult with a doctor they will encourage a slow start to a new program, often promoting the adoption of a daily walk. When I began to work with doctors and coaches on finding a maintainable way to get to, and stay at, a healthy weight they quickly started dolling out praises on the power of a good walk. Since exercise is synonymous in my head with sweat and pain, walking is not an activity I approach with the same fervor of an aerobics class. I considered tackling this issue as a byproduct of my years as an exercise bulimic, a condition that causes people to over-exercise in an effort to burn every calorie they consume. However, upon analysis it became apparent that my attitude that walking is not really exercise was not a problem but actually quite healthy. By viewing walking as just an activity and not exercise, I was less likely to abuse it. Still, there are so many people who share my “walk is not exercise” mindset and forego this healthy activity in lieu of more strenuous workouts, but this attitude is easily fixed with the addition of a furry friend.

Each morning starts with the same routine, performed with such uniform precision that even a German engineer would be proud. After rolling from bed and visiting the bathroom, I reach for a pair of jeans and just the sound of the fabric hitting my toes wakes Luna and Solei, my two dogs, from their deep slumber. All it takes is the quiet noises of getting dressed to alert them of the start of a new day. Each morning this same pattern is repeated, shortly followed by the phrase “wanna go for a walk?” The dogs immediately jump and cry and run and bark in eager anticipation of a walk around the neighborhood. The only thing that gets the dogs more excited then going for a w-a-l-k is going "buh bye car." I try to think if there are any phrases that would evoke the same level of excitement as these two do for my pups and the only thing that comes close is “wanna go for Dairy Queen?” Sad to say even that doesn’t have me running, crying or barking nearly as much as the dogs.

The benefits of our daily walk go well beyond exercise. We have a little saying in our house, “A tired puppy is a good puppy,” and this mantra is supported by America’s favorite Dog Person, Cesar Milan (aka the Dog Whisperer). The daily walk started not for my own exercise needs, but when Luna was a puppy and the only way to knock the “Schnoodle 500” zoomie energy out of her was with a good, long walk. That was nearly 4 years ago and she, and her little sister, still requires a fair amount of exercise to ensure our furniture is not destroyed out of “when are Mom and Dad coming home from work?” boredom. For those having issues with a destructive dog, my two are living proof that a tired dog won’t chew your shoes.

Before getting a dog the only neighbors I knew were those immediately around us. Exploring your neighborhood on foot allows opportunities for striking up conversation, actually getting to know the people you share a zip code with. Having a dog amplifies the experience as they make acquaintance with the rear ends of other neighborhood dogs. This method of meeting people does come with a funny issue; no one actually knows me by my real name and instead refers to be as Luna and Solei’s Mom. That’s okay, because I am just as guilty of calling people Monte, Lady, Freya, Sam and Buddy’s parents. Because of the walk, and the dogs, people are friendly, wave and say hi, the kind of interaction with neighbors that many people lack these days.

Walking through my neighborhood also reminds me that as much as I hate Minnesota (my biggest search term hit on the site, I should include it in every post), I love my quaint area that somehow sits only miles from downtown. In a couple of mile loop we pass ponds, a golf course, and a creek. We share our path with deer that stop and stare at us on our walk, like we are some strange animal, unnatural in their habitat. In the fall the ground crunches from the leaves of hundreds of oak and elm trees. The lushness spring blooms makes it nearly impossible to see what awaits around the next corner. The scenery never gets old and I am in constant awe at the neighborhood that is more like a nature preserve.

People often ask me why I walk the dogs every morning when I have a large, fenced in back yard. My retort is the walk is just as much for me as it is for them. Just as the daily walk is not exercise in my head, it is also not a chore. Beginning each day with a walk is calming, therapeutic, and relaxing. Unless the rain is of biblical proportions or temperature bone crushing, the show goes on. I cannot make a job or life change that would prohibit this daily ritual; walking my neighborhood with two leashes in hand has become just as much a part of the day as brushing my teeth and enjoying a cup of coffee. My coworkers seem so frazzled every morning, starting their days with kiddie carpool mix-ups, daycare horror stories, long commutes, fights over breakfast, or early conference calls. Missing the walk throws me completely off my rails and has repercussions on my work and personal performance; it is a non-negotiable part of my day. I’m a better employee, a better neighbor, a better pet-parent, overall a better person because of this time to myself; getting a little exercise on top of all that is just icing on the cake.

Don't be a Butthead

Dear Inconsiderate Smoker,

I try not to be judgmental regarding your decision to poison yourself and all those who share airspace with you; hey it’s your life you’re gambling with. What infuriates me is when your nasty little habit infringes upon the world around me. With more and more places going smoke-free, I am now able to avoid the hacking, wheezing and nasty stench that goes along with your toxic second hand smoke; however there is one thing that keeps bothering me, why do you think it is okay to toss your cigarette butts out your car window or onto the sidewalk?

Not every smoker engages in littering the streets with their cigarette butts and to those smokers who keep their butts to themselves I offer a thank you. Those who use the world outside their car window as an ashtray are nothing but selfish, nasty, inconsiderate citizens of our planet. Do you think tossing a cigarette butt is any different than any other type of littering? Your cigarette butts are just as much litter as any fast food wrapper, soft drink cup, or snotty tissue you could toss out of your car. Even smokers’ rights groups advocate proper disposal of cigarette butts and encourage people to abide by litter laws; stop giving non-smokers more reasons to put further restrictions and taxes upon smokers. Perhaps you are just the type of person who thinks the world is your trash can and think nothing wrong of throwing stuff out in places not designated for your garbage. If there is any justice in this world you will be on the receiving end of a hefty fine and will be assigned trash collection duties in your afterlife.

What harm do your cigarette butts do? For starters, filters are not biodegradable and the trillion or so that are thrown into the environment every year cause a whole host of issues. The beauty of beaches, forests, lakes, mountains and streams are ruined by the eyesore of cigarette related trash. It is estimated that 80% of the world's litter is cigarette butt and package related.

These butts sicken and kill countless animals both on land and in the sea; choked or poisoned. Not only do these butts poison wildlife, they poison each of us as tar, nicotine, arsenic, acetone, mercury and lead enter our water supply. Cigarette butts build up and clog storm drains, causing floods and water damage.

Google “cigarette forest fire” and see the hundreds upon hundreds of articles on fires caused by cigarette litter. These fires cause massive forest damage, property damage and even death. Next time you toss a smoldering cigarette out your window think of the people it might burn to death, maybe then you’ll think twice about inflicting harm on the world.

If you do choose to continue littering with your cigarettes please consider using filterless cigarettes; they are completely biodegradable and as an added bonus to those of us you share the world with you’ll probably have fewer years to litter the earth. For the next person who tosses a butt out their car in front of me, your fiery ash hitting the hood of my vehicle, I will take one for the collective world team and run you off the side of the road and shove the smoldering butt down your throat. Consider yourself warned.

Sincerely,
The Explosive Bombchelle

Forbidden Fruit

Most diets have a laundry list of foods you can or cannot have and, as a recovering serial dieter, I had to admit my food fears and address whether avoidance of certain foods is justified. Many of these avoidance habits were picked up from the fad diets found in supermarket magazines claiming to have the magical formula for “Losing 2 dress sizes before Memorial Day!” With years and years of dieting, we add new items to growing lists of what not to eat and never take the old ones off that list. After avoiding anything with taste to drop a few dress sizes with little to no success, I now realize everything I missed out on by banning certain foods from entering my mouth.

Fruit: Weight Watchers devotees often avoid fruit since it has points. For years the only fruit I consumed were the wedges of lime and maraschino cherries in my happy hour cocktails. With the large number of people on the Atkins diet and Weight Watchers I am surprised we do not have a rampant scurvy outbreak in the United States. After the nearly decade long fruit hiatus it was actually difficult to bring myself to eat even the smallest apple for fear the high sugar content would make me fat. When I confessed this issue to my health coach she pointed out how hard pressed I would be to find one person on this planet suffering from obesity because of their fruit consumption habits.

Granola: It never dawned on me that granola must be good for you otherwise the healthy granola heads of Colorado and Oregon would have a different nickname. Granola is higher in calories, fat and sugar than other breakfast options like Special K or a breakfast bar so it never made a rotation in my diet. Upon the encouragement of a nutritionist I introduced granola into my morning routine and saw amazing results. Unlike cereals puffed with air, granola is not only tasty but managed to keep my tummy from growling well past 10:30 in the morning.

Yogurt: Through the years I have consumed plenty of the tasteless, fat-free garbage with an almost gel like consistency but avoided “real-deal” yogurt. Eating nasty diet yogurt was not done for eating enjoyment, but simply out of dairy and enzyme needs. Real, creamy yogurt is a rich and beautiful thing full of flavor, incredibly filling and satisfying. My personal favorite is Stonefield Farms Vanilla, although their plain yogurt with crunchy granola is perfect for breakfast or dessert. The combination of granola and yogurt is so filling the clock tells me it is time for lunch, not my stomach.

Eggs: The jury keeps changing their ruling on eggs, some studies they are good and others they should be avoided more than a pit bull in heat. Since there is a bit of truth to any study eggs demonstrate how important it is to enjoy a bit of everything in moderation to get the health benefits of the item while limiting the risks.

Regular Bread: Through the years bread became nothing more then a cold cut delivery mechanism. Only on special occasions did I enjoy good bread with any hint of flavor. Most of the time “lite” cardboard like slices were the only baked good passing through my lips; low in calories, carbs and flavor. When I did have good bread I often over-indulged which led me to believe I couldn’t be trusted in a bakery. Food should be savored and enjoyed, not just stomached and there is really nothing enjoyable about lite bread. The smell of bread from our oven or local bakery now fills our home and it is possible to enjoy a single slice of good bread without going over the top when it is no longer forbidden fruit.

Oils: Any person “watching their fats” avoided fatty foods like salmon, nuts, and bottled oils for years. The concept of good fats and bad fats was either undiscovered or unadvertised and the message in magazines and many health journals was loud and clear; all fats are bad fats. We now know that “good-cholesterol,” clinically known as HDL, controls bad cholesterol to maintain healthy levels. Salmon is an essential food in delivering fatty acids crucial in raising good cholesterol which is necessary to fight bad cholesterol. Salmon also provides a huge range of health benefits beyond the heart healthy including brain, skin and joint functioning. The one thing to look out for is farmed salmon; wild caught salmon is healthier. Medical reports claim that people who eat nuts are less likely to develop diabetes than those who don’t. Studies worldwide indicate that cultures with diets rich in healthy oils like Olive or Safflower enjoy greater longevity (and are probably happier since they get to eat Olive Oil!). Avocadoes are another food that diet aficionados would never dream of eating, I heard so many times at Weight Watchers how people would not touch guacamole because of how fatty it was. Eat up everyone, avocados might be high in fat but it is the good monounsaturated fat. Avocadoes also deliver more potassium than a banana, are an excellent source of vitamin B and have more fiber than any other fruit, beats taking Metamucil. Without fat skin dries up and hair falls out; carrying a little extra fat is certainly prettier than those options.

Cheese: Wine and Cheese, Cheesy Pizza, Grilled Cheese, Cheese Omelets, Crackers and Cheese, Cheese Steaks, Queso Dip; the list of yummy things made of or with cheese goes on and on and on. If you have ever attempted to include fat free cheese in your diet you discovered it is made of some strange rubbery material that tastes like crap and doesn’t actually melt. I tried and tried to convince myself that this was a necessary substitute for the battle of the bulge but each package of fat free singles felt tasted more dreadful than divine. The true test came when Luna, my dog who would sell her soul and toys for Tillamook Cheddar, spit out the Kraft Free cheddar after performing a trick. If a dog spitting something out is not evidence enough that something tastes bad then I don’t know what is.

Ice Cream: Does anything say summer more than a soft serve ice cream cone? Ice Cream is a major player in food substitution marketing. You want nothing more then a Blizzard but instead get some low-fat or no fat substitute from your local grocer’s freezer, momentarily tricking your brain into thinking it actually got some ice cream. Hours later it becomes impossible to resist the thing you wanted in the first place and rather then just having one real ice cream treat in your stomach you actually have a full box of the fake ice cream AND the real stuff. Cookies also fall into this bad substitution scenario. One cookie from Mrs. Field’s oozing with warm chocolate chips is a lot better than a full box of snackwells.

Regular Beer: Drinking light beer is basically resigning yourself to give up on flavor and taste in return for a slight buzz. It is possible to get used to light beer, and many people claim they cannot taste the difference but this is delusional at best; good beer is far superior to its watered down cousin. After Amstel Light, my skinny beer of choice, started giving me unexplainable headaches I started drinking regular beer again and was reminded of the beauty of a good beer on a warm summer day. A few okay tasting light beers like Sam Adams are found in my fridge, but these are reserved for consuming later in the night when taste buds disappear anyway.

Chocolate: Yeah, right. Like I ever tried to give up chocolate.

Potato Chips: This could be the one item I should avoid but life would be dim and no longer worth living. The crisp, saltiness of a good potato chip is one of the most simple and beautiful food pleasures around. My problem with potato chips sounds much like a Lays commercial; I cannot eat just one. Often I snap awake from a binge coma to find my hands layered in greasy crumbs at the bottom of an empty bag. Sure I could just avoid the temptation all together, but we all need our vices, don’t we?

Moderation is the key to enjoying anything and everything your heart desires. Obviously if you have a food allergy or other health issue there are times when foods should be abolished from the menu, but otherwise eat up and stop feeling guilty about eating fun and fabulous foods. Variety is the spice of life; if your mouth is bored then chances are you’ll be cheating on any healthier lifestyle you choose.

Purging Bad Behaviors

What do you picture when you think of a person with an eating disorder? It is hard not to think of a skeletally thin woman; weak, pale and sickly. This almost universal image focuses on the most extreme sufferers, anorexics, but leaves out so many others that endure various other forms and degrees of eating disorders. Those struggling with eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, but those who are not thin often go untreated or undiagnosed as they display no observable signs of their disease. Very few recognize or understand the wide spectrum of eating disorders or the people who struggle with them. Far too many people, women and men, have an eating disorder and do not recognize the signs or are too ashamed to admit to their issues.

After years of yo-yo dieting and struggling with weight and poor body image I finally recognized early this year, with the help of books, a health coach and other medical professionals, that I suffered from a binge eating disorder complete with a side of exercise bulimia and super-sized diet obsession. This was only half a surprise as my past includes a dark bulimia nervosa period in college and my early 20s. While I stopped the puking, a pattern of binging, feeling guilty, starving myself, hiding my food consumption from friends and family and then binging again out of hunger and frustration was long established, deeply cemented and refined over the years, becoming just as much a part of who I am as my blue eyes and big smile. Half jokingly, I used to think that anorexics were lucky in their obviousness of their struggle with food and body image. Shamefully, the biggest struggle with “coming out” about my problem is the embarrassment of people thinking that being thin is an eating disorder pre-requisite and therefore I must just be a fat person looking for an excuse. While it would be easier to hide the issue I feel compelled to begin sharing some of the obstacles, insights and discoveries in my journey to combat my problem with overeating and exercising.

Bad habits, entrenched such as mine, cannot be fixed with a diet; I needed to tackle the “demons” in my head. Food is not the enemy, fat is not the enemy, carbs are not the enemy, I am the enemy. Through the years I had varying amounts of success with every diet imaginable. From liquid and pills to fasting and hypnosis, no approach to weight loss was left unturned. As a binge eater, fad diets were even more dangerous, bringing a level of justification to my problem and masking the extent of the issue. Bingeing within the guidelines of the diet de jour, bacon binges during the Atkins phase or Snackwells during the fat free craze, seemed perfectly legitimate in the mind of a compulsive overeater. People often develop fads of their own, disguising their eating disorder as healthy eating. Some vegetarians actually suffer from eating disorders, giving up meat as a weight loss tool. Others employ strange eating obsessions like refusing to ingest mammals with gestation periods less then 322 days or only eating foods that begin with the letter Q. Don’t be fooled into thinking these people are doing something healthy, they are just creating their own little disorder.

Even the healthiest diets can turn bad when put into the hands of a person with an eating disorder. Weight Watchers, unarguably the healthiest food plan in the diet market when done correctly, can teach the average person how to eat healthier and with more controlled portions to lose weight safely. Weight Watchers provides the necessary tools and tips to both lose weight and keep it off the weight in a world filled with restaurants and holiday parties. Yet somehow I managed to turn the healthiest diet on earth into an obsession that spiraled out of control.

Losing 60 pounds in six months back in 2002 was easy, all it took was calculating the points of every single item I ingested, avoiding friends and temptation like the black plague, and working out 3 hours a day, 6 days a week to ensure that everything I ate was burned off (aka, anorexia athletica). Piece of cake, right? Wrong. The weight was impossible to keep off and I blamed everything from breaking my left foot, changing jobs, breaking my right foot, and moving for the scale creeping up, up, up. Not until I re-joined Weight Watchers this year did I acknowledge my deep rooted issues with food and how I could manipulate any diet or eating plan into a compulsion. Almost immediately I transformed into what is un-affectionately known as a “Points Nazi.”

After a few weeks of being “on-plan” and eating like I was in prison or “off-plan” and gorging like it was my last meal I decided to switch from the flex (points) plan to the core plan. For those not religiously affiliated with Church of Weight Watchers, the core plan includes a menu of healthy foods that you are permitted to eat as much of as you want, so long as you stop when you are almost full which brought to light a major issue; diet plans, news, friends, family all teach us how and what not to eat, but no one really ever teaches us how to eat and when to stop. This was a major discovery in tackling my overeating. Somehow through the years I developed a mindset that my mouth was either turned on to eat everything not nailed down to the floor or turned completely off to everything but water. Eating until full then stopping was a foreign concept but a necessary piece to master in maintaining a healthy weight. Out of all the lessons I’ve learned over the past 6 months, this is one of the most difficult but important.

It is estimated that over 30% of women seeking to lose weight suffer from a binge eating disorder and after understanding my own issues I quickly saw the signs in others. My time attending Weight Watchers came to an end because there were far too many women making the same mistakes I made years ago; approaching the diet as another goal to be attained and not addressing their real issues. I could look around the room and pick out those who would lose weight in record time only to put it back on again and it pained me to hear their dieting triumphs and tragedies. While I could try and point out their paths to failure, dangerous habits and need to address their emotional health, I needed to focus on fixing me which couldn’t be done in a room full of women dieting and talking about their guilt and shame in eating. We each have to find our own path to combat our own issues and realize the journey of self-discovery is the most important of them all. I have been consuming solids for over 32 years now, but am really just beginning to learn how to eat.

Nutra-Not So Sweet

Daily bone-crushing headaches caused blurry vision and sleepless nights. These headaches would start at the base of my skull and quickly progress to my brow bone; my head felt like it was split into two halves. Medical Professionals were perplexed by the location and frequency of the headaches and ordered a gamut of tests to get to the root of their cause. Blood tests, x-rays and cat scans proved inconclusive leading the doctors to blame stress, prescribing nothing but muscle relaxers and pain killers to ease the discomfort until I was able to address and combat my stressful environment. Soon other symptoms started taking over my body; mood swings, lethargy, joint stiffness, swelling, and tingling to name just a few. Blood tests ruled out lupus, Lyme disease, Epstein Barr (chronic fatigue syndrome), and rheumatoid arthritis and MS was ruled out after a re-review of my previous cat scan. Officially, the diagnosis on the joint pain was carpal tunnel syndrome, but fibromyalgia was still considered a possibility. Deep in my heart I knew stress and my desk job could not be the causes of my health problems and I grew increasingly despondent with the thought of a life filled with pain.

Happy-go-lucky Chelle was replaced by just trying to get through life Chelle. Each day was a painful struggle and behind my forced smile was a miserable person. To make a concerted effort at normalcy I made plans throughout the summer to visit family and friends, finding comfort in their love and hospitality. During one trip I realized by weekend’s end something shocking; my head felt fine. It was somewhat ironic that the best I felt in nearly a year was after a weekend of drinking nothing but wine and beer and eating a cornucopia of delicious, fatty foods. Could it be that living healthy was the culprit in my health problems and the cure was eating crap and drinking like a fish?

My return to work after a long weekend away followed the usual routine; wake up, make coffee, shower, eat granola bar, drive to work, walk to desk, get thirsty, pop open a diet coke… Almost immediately after sipping the zero calorie bubbly goodness pressure shot from the base of my neck clear through my head as tears shot from my eyes from the sheer intensity of the pain. Diet Coke was a staple in my diet and it was not uncommon for me to drink it throughout the day. Initially I refused to believe that my beverage of choice was the culprit in my maladies but decided to treat the possible offender like any new food allergy; remove it for a week, reintroduce into diet, analyze results.

Fast forward one headache free week and the re-introduction of Diet Coke confirmed it was indeed the source of my pain. Then began the task of figuring out what ingredient in soda caused my headaches. I began trying different soda brands in diet and non-diet varieties and taking copious notes to whether the beverages triggered a headache. Aspartame, aka NutraSweet or Equal, was leading the ingredient analysis. To fully test the theory I began the same analysis with food and candy containing the suspicious ingredient, even ate a packet of Equal and sure enough, got a headache every time confirming that I needed to expunge aspartame from my diet. Months after giving up aspartame another positive result surfaced; my joint pain, swelling and stiffness disappeared. Turns out my headaches and joint issues were medically related to the same root cause. Years have now passed since the discovery and it is hard not to link other past health issues on the substance; my seasonal allergies are milder then in the past and I no longer need to use an inhaler.

I honestly do not know how people allergic to common food and ingredients like wheat, milk and eggs survive. Attempting to remove aspartame from my diet revealed just how many products this sugar substitute hides in, from food and drink to medicine and toothpaste, and how hard it is to find alternatives. Even under a watchful eye I would somehow consume some NutraSweet and suffer from the consequences. My poor friends must put up with my fear and neurosis with every meal out as I quiz waitresses on food content and often bring my own soda to ensure a pain free weekend. The side of me that wrestles with her weight curses the inability to get a diet beverage out at a restaurant or bar, but the extra calories are well worth a life free of pain.

Most of my sugar-free needs these days are met with Sucralose, aka Splenda, but I am increasingly nervous that someday my Splenda Diet Coke issue will cause lead to health problems. These types of allergies are often referred to as “exposure allergies” meaning the more you are exposed to the substance the worse the symptoms become. Many researchers and medical professionals classify aspartame as an intolerance and not a true allergy while others actually classify aspartame medical issues as poisonings. I was an avid Diet Coke drinker for nearly two decades before it starting making me sick. How long before other manmade chemicals start messing around with my body? Even scarier, was there permanent damage from my years of aspartame consumption?

Working around this allergy/intolerance/poisoning is often difficult but I am so thankful I discovered the cause of my issue. I often wonder how many people are misdiagnosed with a whole host of ailments, treating themselves with expensive and sometimes dangerous drugs, when they are actually suffering from some sort of food and drink related allergy. Could all the new dyes, chemicals, compounds and additives added to our diets be the cause of even more medical issues yet researched? The makers of all these new products claim no, but after my experience I am skeptical of their counter-claims and research. The manufacturers of aspartame deny any and all claims made against the safety of their product, citing and documenting lack of proof; all but claiming people with issues have other problems that should be addressed. It does not take a controlled scientific experiment to reasonably assess that aspartame made me, and many others, very ill. I encourage everyone suffering from unexplained medical issues to examine their diet and make some changes. We are all guinea pigs in long-term chemical additive experiments and I personally would volunteer in any aspartame study to prove there is a link between this substance and a host of debilitating symptoms.

Aged Before Beauty

You are beautiful, thin, healthy, strong, smart and amazing. You do not need to wear that makeup, go on that crash diet, and for Christ sake you look just as good pale as you do with a deep, dark tan so stop leaving the house without sunscreen. Those pants do not make you look fat, if anything hiding behind baggy clothes that are 2 sizes too big for you makes you look fat. Everyone is not thinner then you, better looking then you, smarter then you, or more talented then you. Stop the self-deprecation, open your eyes and take a really good look at yourself to see the real you.

Do you ever wish you could go back in time and smack your younger self? This feeling is often sparked by an old photo from an event or time in life where you can distinctly remember feeling like garbage and in hindsight understand it was crazy and stupid to feel anything less then triumphant. Often I look at one of these photos and am surprised at just how good I look, especially photos from my teenage years when I hated everything about my body; my thick legs, wide shoulders, big butt, boxy waist, stringy hair, shiny skin, big feet, thin lips, etc. etc. etc. Obsessing over these issues probably perpetuated them as food quickly became the cause and solution of so many of my problems.

After tripping upon a photo album from my prom I had mixed feelings of sadness, anger, delight, and hunger. I can vividly remember the months and weeks leading up to the prom, trying every diet under the sun, buying multiple dresses in the hopes one would make me look thin, and crying to friends and my mother about how I was going to be the biggest, ugliest girl at the dance. In true early-90s fashion my dress had gigantic puffy sleeves that strategically drew attention away from the rest of my “fat” body. Standing pin straight and sucking in my gut all night made for a terribly uncomfortable evening. It is so sad knowing my prom night was not as fun and memorable as it should be because of an obsession with my perceived size. I say perceived size because looking at the photo now I cannot comprehend why I thought I was fat and what made me feel so unattractive; oh how much I wish I could have the waist, legs and wrinkle free skin of a seventeen year old now! As “they” say, youth is wasted on the young and what a waste in hindsight not enjoying the beauty and strength that is being young and (relatively) carefree.

Of course, can you imagine the arrogance of teenagers with perfect self-esteem and zero feelings of personal doubt? Oh yes! So many of today’s teens seem not only self-confident but almost over confident. Witnessing some of the narcissistic attitudes displayed by so many teens in the media today makes me realize that low self-esteem and self-loathing could be an important element necessary to keep egos in check and prepare us for the horrors and disappointment of adulthood. If we actually understood we are at the top of our physical game at 18 wouldn’t the rest of life seem bleak and impossible? High School physics is hard enough without learning a lesson that only comes with time; gravity is the law and it applies to Newton’s apples and our own breasts. Ignorance of youthful perfection could be the bliss that is needed to keep trudging through future birthdays and the downward droop of our mid-sections.

Putting ourselves down is certainly not limited to our teenaged years. Photo after photo, memory after memory it is hard not to think of how much more fun life would be if we focused on the positives of body and mind rather then the negatives. Longing for the smooth skin and gravity defying butt that only a person under 25 or under the knife will soon be replaced by yearning the days when I could walk for miles pain free, go to work routinely without makeup, party until the wee hours with friends, and sleep soundly through the night in my 30s. It is hard to think that 15, 20, 30 years from now I’ll be looking upon my 30s as potentially the best years of my life and regretting the time I wasted obsessed with my imperfections. Changing this attitude is easier said then done in a world that worships teenage pop stars, botoxes well earned frown lines, celebrates beauty over substance, and promotes anything over a size 4 as being fat.

How can we embrace and survive aging, especially as women who are thought to be all washed up by their 40th birthdays? The answer to this question is about as unique as all people who face it. The beauty of getting older is the confidence gained in getting wiser and I learned I don’t want to look at photos of myself in a decade or two and feel the mixed feelings I looking back now. Working through my own body image issues I have come to accept some of the inevitable parts of getting older, but continue to fight some others. My goal is to learn how to embrace the beauty and strength I have today while attempting to preserve what I can for tomorrow through important steps like better lifestyle habits, more time with friends and family, mind expansion through reading, and enjoying the little things in life. Someday I hope to look back at pictures from today and smile with the knowledge of a life beautifully lived, no regrets; cellulite and wrinkles and all.

Vita brevis. Carpe Diem!

Such a tease

We are all a little shy, nervous, apprehensive and self-conscious our first time. Walking into the room you are bombarded with millions of thoughts racing through your mind; what position should I start in, are the lights too bright, does this outfit make me look fat, am I already sweating? Then the music begins and your heart starts to race in nervous anticipation as to what happens next. You are afraid you won’t know the moves and terrified about not keeping up. It starts off slow and gentle but quickly escalates into a fury of energy and movement. Catching a glimpse in the mirror of your hot and sweaty body moving to the rhythm of the music is like having an out of body experience, watching in wonder and disbelief at the way your own body moves. It had been such a long time since I was a newbie in an aerobics class and I had forgotten just how nerve-wracking it could be.

The Firm opened their workout studio in Minneapolis 21 years ago and is considered to have the most innovative aerobics program in the mid-west if not the country, receiving awards from magazines such as Glamour and Harper’s Bazaar. For years I have heard that The Firm had the best aerobics classes in town, ones that pushed physical limits and provided entertainment making it impossible to miss future beatings, er, I mean classes. Despite being a sucker for a good aerobics class I never visited the Mecca of Muscles because it was slightly out of my way, expensive and filled with people whose butts you could bounce a quarter off of. After nearly four straight months of hitting the treadmill in my office gym and the elliptical trainer at home, boredom was threatening to end my exercise program. I needed something different to get out of my exercise funk and decided it was the perfect week to give The Firm a try. Misery loves company and with my friend Amy working locally for the week I had the perfect partner in crime to share the experience with. After consulting the schedule and class descriptions it was clearly obvious which session we had to attend; Cardio Strip Tease.

The Firm Minneapolis website proclaims Strip Tease as delicious and nutritious. The official description asserts that normal people need help acting sexy, not Mary Ann sexy but the over the top sexy brought to us by Ginger. Even Gilligan would agree I am more Maryann sexy: big smile, fun, intelligent, not afraid to climb a tree for coconuts. Maryann did not try to be sexy and if she did try she would look silly. Ginger on the other hand had all the moves that render men speechless; the bedroom eyes, hippy swagger, shiny hair, seductive voice. Could a workout actually render a person like me "Ginger sexy?"

Walking into The Firm it is hard not to notice that everyone around has rock solid bodies, just as the name of the club suggests. Entering the gym is like walking onto the set of a 80's rock video filled with good-looking, sweaty people decked out in spandex dancing against a rough and urban backdrop. The front desk receptionists are like drug dealers; so excited to sign up another happy customer that they offer a free week to entice a long-term addiction. We signed up for our week and met the Strip Tease instructor who was not wearing any shoes… or socks. We called the gym prior to our arrival to ensure there was no dress code requiring tear away pants (good thing, mine were at the cleaners) but neglected to inquire about shoes. We learned that the Cardio element of Strip Tease makes wearing the preferred foot ware of “stage” performers, acrylic stilettos, too demanding so most people just go barefoot. Makes perfect sense since bare feet are probably worn more often in the boudoir then 5 inch heels (footnote to self: research statistics on bedroom shoe habits of American women). You know what they say, when in Vegas do as the showgirls do, so we left our sneakers and our dignity in the locker room before joining the class.

After we found our spot in the room, the music started and the bumping and grinding began. It took every ounce of adult in me not to giggle at the image of my hips gyrating in the giant studio mirrors. Every move I saw in the mirror reminded of the Seinfeld episode where everyone discovered Elaine was a terrible dancer. Did I always look this ridiculous when dancing? On a positive note the sheer embarrassment of bad moves and trying to inappropriately touch myself in front of a room of people elevated my heart rate even further, adding to the intensity of the workout.

Kelly the instructor made it look so easy and I wondered whether she learned her technique through a previous career. I am comfortable enough in my sexuality to admit that her moves, expressions, body, and pretty much everything else about her was hot. Each song and routine got sexier and naughtier. Even if I look like a beached mammal dancing it is hard not to get a good workout with the sounds of Justin Timberlake, Brittany Spears and the local favorite, Prince’s Pussy Control, pulsing in the air. Watching her move I had a sudden revelation on why men love long hair so much; long, thick, sexy hair is a show prop. Long hair provides us mere mortals a way to draw attention away from the klutzy moves made by the rest of our anatomy. If my hair were longer no one would notice my hips were off beat and my arms resembled one of those crazy octopus like sprinklers that children run around in during the summer. Unfortunately my short hair excuse was completely quashed after noticing the hottest stripper in the class was a twenty-something gay Asian man with short black hair.

Unlike popular pole dancing classes which require special equipment, the beauty of strip tease is it utilizes paraphernalia that can be found in the average home. Working our abs and gluts required nothing more then a mat to lie upon and moves pulled straight from the porn on demand channel. We used a box from step class as a makeshift prop to practice chair dancing; memories of Flashdance flooded my brain. Our favorite use of props by far was on our second visit where we used a towel to simulate tossing articles of clothing across the room in what was one of the more useful lessons for long term enjoyment.

“I have a head for business and a body for sin.”
-Melanie Griffith in Working Girl

Yet despite the embarrassment and soreness we attended another class in an attempt to bring sexy back. It was so much easier to relax and enjoy it the second time around. Strip Tease really shed some light on women who dance for dollars as their livelihood; beyond being morally degrading, stripping is physically exhausting and not an easy way to make a quick buck. The moves worked out our hips, thighs and abs and our bodies required a ton of Advil the next day. Personally it was an eye opening experience; not that I deemed myself in the company of Marilyn Monroe or Sophia Loren, but there was a part of me that thought with all these curves and a hint of confidence I had to possess a little bit of sexiness. Unfortunately this class served as proof that using and moving these curves makes me look more like Shamu then Shakira. Maybe if I sign up classes and practice really hard then Cardio Strip Tease can both tone my body and teach me to be more Ginger-esque, but until then I plan on keeping my day job.

Fit or Trimmed

People were watching what I was putting on my buffet plate and this is not just paranoia or a woman wrestling with a serious eating disorder speaking. At breakfast eyes burned into me as the line moved past the yogurt and onto the pastries. The pastries, bursting with sugary goodness, called my name but there was no way I could enjoy even a bite with an attentive audience. Then there was the French fry bar at lunch, oh how I love French fries with toppings like cheese and chili; as if the fries are not unhealthy enough on their own. Alas there was just no way to enjoy grease laden potatoes when everyone anticipated a plate full of fruits and veggies before me.

Recently I had the pleasure of attending a conference for companies looking to improve the health and well being of their employees with a major focus on programs and incentives geared towards physical and mental health. My reasons for attending the conference were quite different then most of the attendees; I was looking to learn what health issues companies were struggling with and what competitors were doing to address them. At any other conference an eye would nary be batted at a person loading their buffet plates and ordering a fourth beer but this was neither the time nor the place to test the limits of my stomach or tolerance; I was now representing my company as an example of our commitment to personal health and wellness.

Referencing the press conference playbooks of fallen sports heroes, I was not looking to be a role model; just looking to play my game. Like those sports heroes caught in scandal I felt any wrong move at snack and meal times and I would bring shame (and therefore less business) to my employer. This is something I have struggled with over the previous year or so and this conference made it all too apparent that moving up in this business meant working hard in the office AND at the gym. A very subtle evolution at work that those not sensitive to the struggles of the overweight would even notice is occurring; to be the face of the organization you must physically portray the mission of the company. Our mission is to improve the quality and affordability of healthcare through providing care and support to people, empowering them to make better decisions about their health and care. Our nurses and coaches touch the lives of millions every year by coaching them to make better personal choices; find who will give them top quality healthcare, determine what is the best course of action for better health outcomes, schedule when and where to see the best doctors and educate callers on how to take better care of themselves whether they are chronically ill or trying to live a healthier lifestyle. Moving up any organizational chart often requires an increased amount of client facing time. As many sales people know there is an intense pressure to look good when in front of clients and this pressure is extra intense when trying to sell health. Our clients are looking to see if we practice what we preach and any indication of an unhealthy lifestyle, like smoking or carrying a few extra pounds, does not align with our mission to promote a culture of health and is ultimately a poor reflection on our commitment to promoting healthier lives.

Executives and benefit coordinators from companies nationwide are seeking ways to decrease their healthcare dollar spend and increase workforce productivity through promoting a healthier workplace. In the past our business worked on helping sick people take better care of themselves but that is only a band-aid which did not help people from becoming sick (read: expensive) in the first place. Our customers are now looking to promote a culture of health to keep people healthy before their healthcare becomes expensive and their productivity decreases due to increased absences and disabilities. Smoking programs aimed at getting people to quit are quite popular with employers and for good reason; according to the Centers for Disease control smokers cost employers and extra $1,623 in medical care. The Center for Health Promotion reports that smokers have a 50% higher absentee rate then non-smokers and are 15% more likely then non-smokers to be out of work on a disability. For those employees who keep on smoking employers are increasingly likely to place an extra insurance premium on them to make up for the costs.

In the world of healthcare the focus on smoking is so 20th century. Those who think that they are immune from pressure to live a healthier lifestyle and lose that extra weight at work are ignoring the similarities between smoking and weight in our culture. The days of smoking being chic and accepted in the workplace and beyond are long gone, replaced by smokers hiding their habit for fear of extra insurance premiums or job loss. It was not long ago (although before my time) where people would sit in a board room with heavy smoke wafting through the air; can you imagine that now? Now it is socially acceptable to attack smoking due to the unarguable health issues associated with it; weight will become the next target.

The stats cannot be refuted; overweight individuals cost and average of $1,400 more a year in healthcare costs then people who are at a healthy weight. Beyond direct healthcare dollars us overweight people (I do fall into that category) miss more work (I wish!) then our thinner counterparts. With more sick days, higher medical claims, more workplace injuries and the risk of weight related chronic diseases it is estimated that a person costs their employer and extra five-dollars per pound overweight each month. With stats like these, the inability to hide a weight problem and the sheer number of people who are deemed overweight (66% of our country) is it easy to see how weight discrimination claims are on the rise. The discrimination is hard to fight; the obese are an unprotected “group.” Only one state, Michigan, the District of Columbia, and a scattering of cities have laws making weight discrimination illegal. Then there is the difference between blatant discrimination, like being fired because you are fat, and the subtle discrimination like receiving lower raises, being passed over for a promotion or new job, or being put into positions with little room for advancement, that are hard to prove. People generally support anti-smoking legislation because of tobacco’s cost to our overall society. When people realize their overweight co-workers are costing the company more money and effecting raises and healthcare premiums will they rebel against the overweight for affecting their personal finances?

The pressure to practice what we preach and become the outward picture of health that aligns with our mission and vision is overwhelming but also motivating. Even as an overweight person I found myself looking around the room at the conference and wondering if I would take a few of the morbidly obese people representing other health and wellness companies seriously; were people looking at me and wondering the same? I was also dumbfounded at the number of executives who did not understand why their wellness campaigns and incentives for smoking cessation and weight loss were not working while they were sucking on a cancer stick and shoving a cookie into their pudgy mouths; ever hear of leading by example? It is sad that this career pressure to be thin is a more effective motivator in losing weight then my health and well being ever was; knowing all I do about healthcare I am still like most Americans and pay more attention to my job then my own health. Beyond just the job pressure to be thin studies that conclude that overweight people earn less over their lifetime due to subtle discrimination, limited advancement opportunities and increased cost of health related issues; weight is bad for your health and wealth. But as the cost of healthcare rises beyond the rate of inflation and contributes to recessionary times the time is not far away where everyone, not just those whose career is in the healthcare field, will feel pressure to eat, or not eat, like their job depended on it. So long as your employer, or the government, is paying towards your healthcare then weight, like smoking, is fair game and no longer a personal lifestyle choice.

Sasquatch in the City

Last week was one of those weeks where Tuesday felt like Friday and the only things slower then the workday were the people around me. No matter how hard I worked or how many hours were logged at the office my to-do list only got longer and longer. Dreams quickly turned into nightmares as my coworkers took center stage even at night, reminding me in sleep just how much there is to do. Running around the office, desperately attempting to chip away at the laundry list of must-dos I was confronted by a co-worker who wanted to talk to me about something very important, something that had been bothering her for weeks. Her hushed tone and secretive approach had me both worried and intrigued, wondering if anything could have gone terribly wrong with deliverables on a project where she and I crossed paths. Much to my surprise the important conversation was not on that project or a client question. Our conversation turned personal very quickly as she begun with “You’re a very pretty girl but…”

It is amazing that the sentence did not actually take a long pause with the word “but” yet my brain had enough time to process hundreds of possible endings. It is almost embarrassing to admit the myriad of things that went through my head to finish off this backhanded compliment. The first was one I have unfortunately heard from family and strangers for decades; “you would be beautiful if you lost some weight.” Intense sadness overwhelmed me as I thought of all the times I heard those words and all the girls who still hear in various ways that only thin girls are beautiful. Shaking off the sting from those haunting words my mind went into overtime trying to prepare for any other potential things this co-worker was going to say. You’re a pretty girl but… you should cut your hair, wear makeup, change deodorant, wax your eyebrows, use a breath mint, stand straight, watch your language, or find Jesus. What else could she possibly say?

You could just imagine my surprise when this co-worker completed her sentence with “you wear the most awful shoes.” Apparently my shoes are big, clunky and not very feminine and if I would just wear better shoes I would be more graceful. Out of everything I expected from the conversation I never expected the focus to be on my shoes. I was completely prepared with a retort on my weight, makeup, hair or breath but could not for the life of me formulate a response about my shoes. After looking down at my feet the only thing I could communicate was it was winter and I will not wear dainty shoes in the snow. The shock on my face was apparent but I could not spit anything out of my mouth that would be constructive, appropriate or witty. Shock quickly turned into disbelief as I replayed the un-welcomed and unwarranted fashion advice.

This unusual conversation could qualify as an HR violation but my coworker meant no harm. She was trying to bestow some honest advice which makes me seriously wonder how many others she chatted to about my gigantic shoes before having the courage to schedule a footwear intervention. A partner with my first post-college employer once approached me about my attire. She did not wish to embarrass or offend me but felt as a woman in a man’s world she needed to give me career advice that I could take or leave. Her advice; even in a business casual culture it is important for a woman, especially a blonde woman, to dress for success if she wants to be taken seriously. There were many times in my career that I did not heed her advice and at those times I realized just how right she was; when I wear a suit people treat me with a higher level of authority, but my shoes?

Men with foot fetishes are not ones to give me a second look and modeling agencies have yet to knock down the door with a shoe modeling contract. Trips to the shoe store are just slightly less painful then a root canal. With big feet it is nearly impossible to find shoes in my size let alone “cute” shoes. Size 6 shoes displayed in storefront windows are adorable but those same shoes in a size 10 and above look like small tug boats. To make matters worse my feet often swell as a result of breaking both, in separate incidents, within the past 5 years (for the record, neither of those accidents were a result of bad shoes). So not only is it impossible to find shoes that fit but when I do they end up being more functional then fashionable. If it were not completely inappropriate for the workplace my paws would wear nothing but flip-flops, allowing plenty of room to swell. The development of my nasty purse habit is directly correlated to shoe envy, jealous of women who could fill their closets with the latest stilettos and espadrilles.

Considering the suggestion that smaller shoes would lead to more grace and beauty is appealing. After a lifetime of being large and clumsy was the right pair of shoes the only thing needed to complete my modern day Cinderella story? Could I somehow become the picture of charm and poise when Prince Shoesalesman slipped on the right pumps? It is a nice thought but somehow I do not think a pair of Jimmy Choos or Manolo Blahniks would transform me or any other woman into the picture of elegance. Dainty girls don’t throw shot put, play rugby or bounce at bars. At five foot nine and 195 pounds it is safe to say there is not a dainty bone in my body and no shoe in the world will ever transform that. Shoes are only magical in fairy tales or for women with itty bitty feet. The rest of us have to find our fashion magic elsewhere.