New Year's Resolutions: Minnesota Style

Minnesota is a state rich in natural and cultural beauty, brimming with so many places to go, things to see, and people to visit that it's hard to squeeze it all in. If I had a dollar for every time I muttered "I want to see that" to a billboard or an add in the paper or magazine... and then not followed through, I'd have enough money to pay for the first thing on my ten eleven things I want to do in Minnesota in 2013:

1. Eat at La Belle Vie: It is possible that I am the only foodie in Minneapolis who hasn't been to our most acclaimed and highest rated restaurant. I will fix that this year and let you all know if it's worth the hype.
2. See China's Terracotta Warriors at the Minnesota Museum of Arts: Seriously, the Terracotta Warriors are here!!! In Minneapolis!!! Only till the end of January!!!
3. Explore the Hmong Market in St. Paul: St. Paul has the largest concentration of the East Asian Hmong group than anywhere in the world... and a place to experience the culture and food.
4. Tour a Minnesota Brewery: There are so many to choose from now, it's hard to pick one. Maybe I'll have to hit a few. And then take a field-trip to Wisconsin for a few more.
5. See an outdoor Movie or Show: Minneapolis, and many of the suburbs, have a fantastic lineup of outdoor entertainment, including the very popular showing of the Twins World Series winning games in '87 and '91.
6. Food Truck Gourmet Meal: Take an afternoon off, head downtown, and sample my way through a few of the mobile eateries.
7. Historic Minnesota Tour: Do one of the Minnesota Historical Society tours (preferable one of their historical pub crawls!)
8. Do the Zoo: I've lived in MN for over 12 years and still haven't visited the Minnesota Zoo. I love animals and need to see the Polar Bears Penguins this year.
9. Classic Date: I played the violin for 10 years and dabble on the strings from time to time and really enjoy a good concerto. Hopefully the musicians' labor dispute is resolved so I can go support the Minneapolis Orchestra.
10. Embrace Winter: Do a winter activity, outside, rather than just hibernating. Learn to snowshoe, cross-country ski, see an ice castle, attend an outdoor beer festival, just do something outside.
11. Throw it in Park: There are nearly 80 state parks in Minnesota; I've been to one. Me and my dogs or bike need to take a day trip to visit one of these local treasures.

What's your favorite Minnesota experience? I'd love to add to my list!

Minnesota, Vote No and Welcome our Gay Friends to "The Club"

A little over 11 years ago I married my best friend, a right and a privilege I took for granted. I didn't want to get married, and was not the kind of girl who grew up dreaming of Prince Charming and a white dress and living happily ever after. Instead, I channeled Mae West and embraced her famous quote, "Marriage is a fine institution, but I'm not ready for an institution." It wasn't that I wasn't in love, I just thought the marriage certificate was a fine way of ruining a perfectly good relationship. Living in sin was much more my style anyway; bonus, I secretly enjoyed pissing my parents off. So, you might ask, what happened to change my mind?

 Buying a house together as two single individuals was a pain in the arse. We didn't qualify for the level of mortgage that we would have if our incomes were seen as one. Then there was an employment hiccup that left one of us with a potential health insurance coverage; neither of our employers at that time recognized our domestic partnership. Finally there was a little incident at a hospital when Nurse Ratchet denied me access to see the love of my life because I was not the next of kin. There are over 1100 federal benefits afforded to married couples, and more through state, local, and private organizations, that are not given to those who do not or are not allow to get married. We have a very romantic love story, but when it came to getting married we did it for purely financial and practical reasons.

What happened next surprised me. Everyone always says "we won't change after we get married" and let me tell you, that's bull. Things change. What changes most is how people treat you, how seriously they take you and your relationship, and the expectations everyone has of you. Then we changed; even as independent as we both were, we were a team and we were expected to stick together even when the chips were down and the team was losing. We couldn't just walk away when things got too hard and it wasn't just because of the legal piece of paper; we would be letting down everyone who shared in our day, who promised to help us through, who saw us declare "until death do us part."

After 11 years of wedded bliss I am again questioning whether I want to be married. It's not that I'm unhappy with the relationship, I am unhappy with this feeling that I belong to some exclusive club that many of my friends are not allowed to join because they are gay. Mom always made us invite all the kids in class to our birthday parties; my first lesson in banning exclusiveness. I've never been one to participate in organizations bar membership from others and denying people the social, economic, and emotional benefits of marriage because who they love is just another form of discrimination. Some opponents of gay marriage say it will destroy traditional marriage, I feel the opposite. Marriage is cheapened by not allowing every loving couple the right to marry, the opportunity to declare themselves a team in front of their families and their government, and the ability to capitalize on the protections and safety nets we have in society to try and keep relationships stable. It makes marriage it less special.

I'm embarrassed that I took the right to get married for granted. I never wanted to get married, I never wanted children, I did it simply because it made getting a mortgage and other benefits easier. I almost called the wedding off a dozen times because traditional marriage scared and disgusted me; I saw other people's marriages and I wanted none of them. Yet, with this hate and disdain for marriage I had no problem marching to city hall with my passport and cash and obtain a wedding license. Now, 11 years later, I realize what an amazing gift that moment was, and wish everyone the opportunity to find someone they love and experience that moment, regardless of sexual orientation.

 A few days before our wedding, when I was strategically planning our escape route, my fiancee looked at me and said "life is just too hard to go at it alone, we are a team and I want to declare that team in front of everyone we love. If you don't want to sign the marriage certificate I understand, but you shouldn't be scared. Our marriage doesn't have to be like anyone else's, we will make it ours." The Constitution supported my right to get married even though I don't believe in god or organized religion, I wasn't having children, and I refused to take my husband's name. Our marriage is not traditional, but it is ours, and every couple deserves a shot at that regardless of who they love.  Vote No, Minnesota, "the club" is big enough for all of us.

Feast or Floodin’

“Why would people live there?” This question is often asked when a part of the world suffers from a catastrophic disaster; hurricane, tornado, fire, earthquake, drought, famine, volcanic eruption, blizzard, flood, et cetera. Sometimes the answer is easy to comprehend. Californians deal with earthquakes and fires in return for good weather. Residents of the dry Denver desert fight over water rights but have mountains to admire and slopes to ski. Miamians spend hurricane season at Home Depot buying tape and plywood to protect their homes but lazy days on the sand and surf make up for that inconvenience. The risks of living in these areas have rewards that people from major metropolitan areas can understand, but those urbanites are baffled when catastrophic news arrives from a place like Fargo, North Dakota, or Moorhead, Minnesota.

Admittedly I would never live in Fargo, North Dakota; I already experienced enough of a cultural seismic shift moving from New York to Minneapolis. I know many “big-city” dwellers residing on both the left and right coast who cannot comprehend why people live in “fly-over” states like Iowa, Nebraska, Missouri, North and South Dakota, and Minnesota to name just a few. Disasters that strike these areas, whether it is a flood, tornado, or blizzard, leave your average urban/suburban American wondering about the sanity of residents and seriously questioning why people rebuild and return to these places after surviving the wrath of Mother Nature.

Most perplexing is how many of the same people who wonder why money is spent rebuilding cities and towns on our nation’s great rivers think nothing about rebuilding and protecting places on our shoreline. Hurricane drinking and gumbo eating tourists think that rebuilding New Orleans is critical because of its cultural and historical importance although its contribution to our national economy is miniscule at best. Golfers and beach bums wouldn’t think twice about protecting and saving homes and businesses in coastal places like Myrtle Beach. It would be considered unpatriotic to question rebuilding the World Trade Center in New York although its location will forever be a terrorist target. People rarely question the sanity of people living through disasters in these “desirable” areas but are perplexed why anyone would want to live by raging rivers, deal with brutal winters, or be hours away from the nearest Target. Those who wonder why anyone lives in the middle of our country should all be thankful they do; the “fly-over” states might not provide US residents with popular vacation destinations, cottages on the shore, or Mardi Gras but they do supply us something very important that should never be overlooked; our food.

The human race is fueled by food and much of what we are accustomed to eating still comes from places affected by natural disasters; farms in the mid-west and California. Food doesn’t come from your grocery store; most of it comes from our nation’s heartland. People forget the dependence their diets have in far away places in our industrial food chain and if they did not get their food from places like Nebraska it would come instead from China and I personally won’t even feed my dogs food from China. Those who are mindful about where their food comes from, locavores attempting to live off of land as close to their homes as possible, are well aware of how much our food supply depends on far away farmers. Kansas and North Dakota supply most of our wheat, Iowa and Illinois are responsible for a bulk of our feed corn production, and Minnesota produces most American’s Thanksgiving turkeys. If residents of flood plains in the mid-west decided to throw in the towel after a disaster and move elsewhere the effects on our food-chain would be felt worldwide. We shouldn’t be questioning why these residents decide to stay, we should be forever thankful that they do.

Many thanks to all of those citizens who roll up their sleeves in times of crisis saving their homes, farms, communities; and, in turn, our lives. Thank you for showing us the power of a community that works together and asks not what their country can do for them, but what they can do for their neighbors. Thank you for electing competent citizens to your local offices who are capable of managing the complex logistics of disaster preparation and recovery. Thank you for reminding those who are all but disconnected from their family and neighbors that when the fit hits the shan those people who can rely on and help of a local network fare better then those who have to turn to strangers. Most importantly, thanks for all you do to keep our bodies running.

Mission: Survive Winter

I hate Minnesota in the winter. The hardest part about winter here is not the bone crushing cold but the length of the season. Just when you’ve had enough of winter, sometime after the champagne bottles from New Year’s Eve are empty and recycled, there are still another 2 to 3 months of this miserable season left in the upper Midwest. Year after year I declare that this winter I will embrace the beauty of the season; ice skate, snow board, toboggan, or snow shoe. This declaration is affectionately referred to as “Operation Embrace Winter” with a success rate that makes the Iraqi War look like one in the win column. Rather then set impossible expectations for yet another winter, it is time I declare defeat in “Operation Embrace Winter” and outline a new strategy for surviving until the tulips rise in spring.

Focusing on outdoor activities as a means of embracing winter backfired for a variety of reasons. Last year the temperature went below zero shortly after Thanksgiving and didn’t rebound until well after even the most dedicated partiers recovered from St. Patrick’s Day. I don’t care if you are from Ecuador or were born and raised on the Artic Circle; temperatures below zero, especially adding a bit of wind to them, are brutal. The only thing I embraced last winter was my husband, and that embrace was often me wringing his neck asking why the hell he moved me here. Most years “Operation Embrace Winter” failed not because of the cold, but because there wasn’t enough snow on the ground to engage in activities like cross country skiing and snow shoeing. By the time the blizzards did arrive in March most of the parks with trails are closed and preparing their golf courses for the warmer months; wishful thinking on their parts.

We attempted to enact “Operation Escape Winter” this year but determined the time and finances necessary to execute that mission were unavailable. “Operation Escape Winter” enjoyed much success in the past with trips to Hawaii, Aruba, and Florida but is unfortunately a very short lived solution since we are unable to launch “Operation Snow Bird” at this point in our lives. Working closely with a team of top advisors we are unveiling a new action to survive winter in Minnesota; “Operation Hibernation.”

Technically animals enter a state of regulated hypothermia to conserve energy during the winter which does not sound like much fun at all. Rather than do the hypothermia thing the plan is to engage in the “denning” done by bears and other animals. Denning is the act of hiding in a shelter to ride out the cold and this winter I am just looking to survive with my sanity, not become a snow bunny. The first steps in “Operation Hibernation” are preparing our bodies and our home for the mission. A crucial element in a successful hibernation is eating large amounts of food to store energy in order to survive the winter; this part of the mission was expertly accomplished over the holidays. The next order of business is preparing the den for hibernation. Our “den” now includes some of the warmest and most comfortable bedding ever, good food collected from the market and garden over the summer, plenty of books, dog toys for our cubs, Rock Band, and many forms of adult beverages should other bears wish to den at our house on the weekends. Our bunker is ready for a long winter’s nap.

Occasionally bears wake from hibernation, leave the den, and go foraging for food and fun. Unfortunately work forces most of us to leave our dens on a fairly regular basis making it nearly impossible to completely shut out winter. Part of “Operation Hibernation” is carefully planning activities outside the den to maximize fun but minimize exposure to the elements. Identifying indoor venues to temporarily provide us warmth and shelter when we are outside our den are important to maintain our sanity and survive the cold winter months. The gym offers a rare place in the winter where one can be hot and sweaty while still exposing skin. It is very important to carefully choose restaurants that are cozy, warm, and offer menu items that warm the soul. Other indoor places providing a temporary escape from winter are theaters, malls, and my personal favorite, spas. After several failures battling winter I am fairly certain that this campaign will be skillfully executed and won.

The Other Man

It all began quite innocently. A few friends mentioned a place downtown that could help me break out of the daily routine that left me bored, lethargic, and depressed; that is where I found him. This Adonis-like man. Long, lean and muscular; he took my breath away from the moment I stepped into his mirrored lair. Addiction to the pleasure and the pain he forced upon me was almost immediate, and soon I was visiting him two or three times a week to get my fix. Spending countless dollars to feed insatiable cravings; powerless to his magic. For over three hours each week he does things to my body that no man, or woman, has ever done. Making me scream, moan, and sweat to the point of utter exhaustion. Luckily my husband is very understanding of a woman’s needs and encourages me to visit the other man in my life, knowing how happy I am after the end of each heart-throbbing session.

A few years ago I gave up my gym membership, viewing the money spent as a frivolous waste of cash given my access to workout equipment at the office and in my home. For the most part I took full advantage of the machines and weights available to me, but the monotony of my routine and limited options led to boredom and ultimately, some pretty major weight gain. Toying around with re-joining the local fitness giant, I remembered some friends mentioning a gym downtown, The Firm, that offered a variety of fitness classes and decided to take advantage of their “first week free” policy. With my friend Amy in tow, we started the week with cardio strip tease, tried a little circuit training, and ended our free week at a Saturday morning Step class. Little did we know that stepping into that final free class would actually be a life altering experience.

Doug, also known as Diva Doug and Queen Diva, is the Adonis-like man who routinely pushes his disciples to the brink of death and has them begging for more. His style and persona are larger than life and his work is more life coach and performer than aerobics instructor. Each class is a production; the choreography refined over two decades of teaching, music upbeat and uplifting, costumes risqué. Doug is front and center, the leading actor of the program who performs on a disco-esque lighted step stage but this is not a one-man show. Each person of the class plays an important role in the performance, sometimes comedic or tragic, often an epic blockbuster complete with more burlesque moves and naked skin than in cardio strip tease.

Blasphemous as it sounds, the messages heard in a downtown Minneapolis aerobics studio are more empowering and uplifting than anything said in the dozen or so churches I attended throughout my lifetime. Although class is referred to by many as “The Church of Doug,” this isn’t religion; followers are not worshiping a false God, but finding faith in themselves. Our “preacher” Doug spreads the word of personal strength, perseverance, and determination, creating an environment where parishioners learn lessons of hope, faith, fellowship, and love. We hope our bodies will bring us through each class as we gain strength and stamina. We have faith that the sweaty palms of those in the crowded room will maintain their grip their barbells, protecting us from bodily injury (and broken studio mirrors). We form friendships and bonds with those in the class, and each of us continue to bring new people into the group so they too can embark on a journey to self-discovery and better health. We learn to love ourselves and in turn find a truer and deeper love for our friends, family, environment, and mankind.

Unlike many churches, The Firm has an open door and open closet policy; clientele is dominated by gay men and athletically gifted women, but even chubby girls (like me!) and straight men can find fellowship and support at the gym. Although accepting to all, Doug’s Step Class is not for the weak or those who give up easily; I can easily say most of the US of population would poop out well before the Jane Fonda-like warm up is complete. Personally, I have yet to completely putter out, but can often be heard exclaiming moving phrases like “praise God,” “heaven help me,” and “Mommy.”

Spending time with another man for the past 5 months has made me stronger, happier, and healthier, with none of the mess or guilt associated with adultery; Doug would most definitely be more interested in my mind than in my womanly figure so my husband has nothing to worry about! Feeling better about one’s self is enriching and empowering to one’s body, mind, and soul. Many attend a specific church not because of the denomination posted on the bulletin, but because of the energy and outlook of the pastor or priest officiating. After lasting eight minutes with a substitute instructor I realized I do not belong to the religion of step, but follow the word (and moves) of Doug…

The Ten Commandments of Doug (interpreted and authored by Explosive Bombchelle and Friends)

1. Thou shalt believe in yourself.
2. Thou shalt move with purpose.
3. Thou shalt remember to breathe.
4. Thou shalt appreciate how lucky you are to have bodies that can move and sweat.
5. Thou shalt jump (and bend and squat and lift) with joy.
6. Thou shalt have pride in yourself.
7. Thou shalt learn how to fly.
8. Thou shalt whoop and hoot and holler while exercising, celebrating your strength.
9. Thou shalt sweat in places you didn’t know you had sweat glands.
10. Thou shalt have fun.

Many thanks to my friend Amy for contributing to this piece and my editor-in-chief, The Husband, for being the number one man in my life.

Our Daily Walk

Every diet, every gym, every workout infomercial comes with a “CYA” warning, alerting consumers to consult with a doctor before starting a new diet or exercise routine. If you actually consult with a doctor they will encourage a slow start to a new program, often promoting the adoption of a daily walk. When I began to work with doctors and coaches on finding a maintainable way to get to, and stay at, a healthy weight they quickly started dolling out praises on the power of a good walk. Since exercise is synonymous in my head with sweat and pain, walking is not an activity I approach with the same fervor of an aerobics class. I considered tackling this issue as a byproduct of my years as an exercise bulimic, a condition that causes people to over-exercise in an effort to burn every calorie they consume. However, upon analysis it became apparent that my attitude that walking is not really exercise was not a problem but actually quite healthy. By viewing walking as just an activity and not exercise, I was less likely to abuse it. Still, there are so many people who share my “walk is not exercise” mindset and forego this healthy activity in lieu of more strenuous workouts, but this attitude is easily fixed with the addition of a furry friend.

Each morning starts with the same routine, performed with such uniform precision that even a German engineer would be proud. After rolling from bed and visiting the bathroom, I reach for a pair of jeans and just the sound of the fabric hitting my toes wakes Luna and Solei, my two dogs, from their deep slumber. All it takes is the quiet noises of getting dressed to alert them of the start of a new day. Each morning this same pattern is repeated, shortly followed by the phrase “wanna go for a walk?” The dogs immediately jump and cry and run and bark in eager anticipation of a walk around the neighborhood. The only thing that gets the dogs more excited then going for a w-a-l-k is going "buh bye car." I try to think if there are any phrases that would evoke the same level of excitement as these two do for my pups and the only thing that comes close is “wanna go for Dairy Queen?” Sad to say even that doesn’t have me running, crying or barking nearly as much as the dogs.

The benefits of our daily walk go well beyond exercise. We have a little saying in our house, “A tired puppy is a good puppy,” and this mantra is supported by America’s favorite Dog Person, Cesar Milan (aka the Dog Whisperer). The daily walk started not for my own exercise needs, but when Luna was a puppy and the only way to knock the “Schnoodle 500” zoomie energy out of her was with a good, long walk. That was nearly 4 years ago and she, and her little sister, still requires a fair amount of exercise to ensure our furniture is not destroyed out of “when are Mom and Dad coming home from work?” boredom. For those having issues with a destructive dog, my two are living proof that a tired dog won’t chew your shoes.

Before getting a dog the only neighbors I knew were those immediately around us. Exploring your neighborhood on foot allows opportunities for striking up conversation, actually getting to know the people you share a zip code with. Having a dog amplifies the experience as they make acquaintance with the rear ends of other neighborhood dogs. This method of meeting people does come with a funny issue; no one actually knows me by my real name and instead refers to be as Luna and Solei’s Mom. That’s okay, because I am just as guilty of calling people Monte, Lady, Freya, Sam and Buddy’s parents. Because of the walk, and the dogs, people are friendly, wave and say hi, the kind of interaction with neighbors that many people lack these days.

Walking through my neighborhood also reminds me that as much as I hate Minnesota (my biggest search term hit on the site, I should include it in every post), I love my quaint area that somehow sits only miles from downtown. In a couple of mile loop we pass ponds, a golf course, and a creek. We share our path with deer that stop and stare at us on our walk, like we are some strange animal, unnatural in their habitat. In the fall the ground crunches from the leaves of hundreds of oak and elm trees. The lushness spring blooms makes it nearly impossible to see what awaits around the next corner. The scenery never gets old and I am in constant awe at the neighborhood that is more like a nature preserve.

People often ask me why I walk the dogs every morning when I have a large, fenced in back yard. My retort is the walk is just as much for me as it is for them. Just as the daily walk is not exercise in my head, it is also not a chore. Beginning each day with a walk is calming, therapeutic, and relaxing. Unless the rain is of biblical proportions or temperature bone crushing, the show goes on. I cannot make a job or life change that would prohibit this daily ritual; walking my neighborhood with two leashes in hand has become just as much a part of the day as brushing my teeth and enjoying a cup of coffee. My coworkers seem so frazzled every morning, starting their days with kiddie carpool mix-ups, daycare horror stories, long commutes, fights over breakfast, or early conference calls. Missing the walk throws me completely off my rails and has repercussions on my work and personal performance; it is a non-negotiable part of my day. I’m a better employee, a better neighbor, a better pet-parent, overall a better person because of this time to myself; getting a little exercise on top of all that is just icing on the cake.

Such a tease

We are all a little shy, nervous, apprehensive and self-conscious our first time. Walking into the room you are bombarded with millions of thoughts racing through your mind; what position should I start in, are the lights too bright, does this outfit make me look fat, am I already sweating? Then the music begins and your heart starts to race in nervous anticipation as to what happens next. You are afraid you won’t know the moves and terrified about not keeping up. It starts off slow and gentle but quickly escalates into a fury of energy and movement. Catching a glimpse in the mirror of your hot and sweaty body moving to the rhythm of the music is like having an out of body experience, watching in wonder and disbelief at the way your own body moves. It had been such a long time since I was a newbie in an aerobics class and I had forgotten just how nerve-wracking it could be.

The Firm opened their workout studio in Minneapolis 21 years ago and is considered to have the most innovative aerobics program in the mid-west if not the country, receiving awards from magazines such as Glamour and Harper’s Bazaar. For years I have heard that The Firm had the best aerobics classes in town, ones that pushed physical limits and provided entertainment making it impossible to miss future beatings, er, I mean classes. Despite being a sucker for a good aerobics class I never visited the Mecca of Muscles because it was slightly out of my way, expensive and filled with people whose butts you could bounce a quarter off of. After nearly four straight months of hitting the treadmill in my office gym and the elliptical trainer at home, boredom was threatening to end my exercise program. I needed something different to get out of my exercise funk and decided it was the perfect week to give The Firm a try. Misery loves company and with my friend Amy working locally for the week I had the perfect partner in crime to share the experience with. After consulting the schedule and class descriptions it was clearly obvious which session we had to attend; Cardio Strip Tease.

The Firm Minneapolis website proclaims Strip Tease as delicious and nutritious. The official description asserts that normal people need help acting sexy, not Mary Ann sexy but the over the top sexy brought to us by Ginger. Even Gilligan would agree I am more Maryann sexy: big smile, fun, intelligent, not afraid to climb a tree for coconuts. Maryann did not try to be sexy and if she did try she would look silly. Ginger on the other hand had all the moves that render men speechless; the bedroom eyes, hippy swagger, shiny hair, seductive voice. Could a workout actually render a person like me "Ginger sexy?"

Walking into The Firm it is hard not to notice that everyone around has rock solid bodies, just as the name of the club suggests. Entering the gym is like walking onto the set of a 80's rock video filled with good-looking, sweaty people decked out in spandex dancing against a rough and urban backdrop. The front desk receptionists are like drug dealers; so excited to sign up another happy customer that they offer a free week to entice a long-term addiction. We signed up for our week and met the Strip Tease instructor who was not wearing any shoes… or socks. We called the gym prior to our arrival to ensure there was no dress code requiring tear away pants (good thing, mine were at the cleaners) but neglected to inquire about shoes. We learned that the Cardio element of Strip Tease makes wearing the preferred foot ware of “stage” performers, acrylic stilettos, too demanding so most people just go barefoot. Makes perfect sense since bare feet are probably worn more often in the boudoir then 5 inch heels (footnote to self: research statistics on bedroom shoe habits of American women). You know what they say, when in Vegas do as the showgirls do, so we left our sneakers and our dignity in the locker room before joining the class.

After we found our spot in the room, the music started and the bumping and grinding began. It took every ounce of adult in me not to giggle at the image of my hips gyrating in the giant studio mirrors. Every move I saw in the mirror reminded of the Seinfeld episode where everyone discovered Elaine was a terrible dancer. Did I always look this ridiculous when dancing? On a positive note the sheer embarrassment of bad moves and trying to inappropriately touch myself in front of a room of people elevated my heart rate even further, adding to the intensity of the workout.

Kelly the instructor made it look so easy and I wondered whether she learned her technique through a previous career. I am comfortable enough in my sexuality to admit that her moves, expressions, body, and pretty much everything else about her was hot. Each song and routine got sexier and naughtier. Even if I look like a beached mammal dancing it is hard not to get a good workout with the sounds of Justin Timberlake, Brittany Spears and the local favorite, Prince’s Pussy Control, pulsing in the air. Watching her move I had a sudden revelation on why men love long hair so much; long, thick, sexy hair is a show prop. Long hair provides us mere mortals a way to draw attention away from the klutzy moves made by the rest of our anatomy. If my hair were longer no one would notice my hips were off beat and my arms resembled one of those crazy octopus like sprinklers that children run around in during the summer. Unfortunately my short hair excuse was completely quashed after noticing the hottest stripper in the class was a twenty-something gay Asian man with short black hair.

Unlike popular pole dancing classes which require special equipment, the beauty of strip tease is it utilizes paraphernalia that can be found in the average home. Working our abs and gluts required nothing more then a mat to lie upon and moves pulled straight from the porn on demand channel. We used a box from step class as a makeshift prop to practice chair dancing; memories of Flashdance flooded my brain. Our favorite use of props by far was on our second visit where we used a towel to simulate tossing articles of clothing across the room in what was one of the more useful lessons for long term enjoyment.

“I have a head for business and a body for sin.”
-Melanie Griffith in Working Girl

Yet despite the embarrassment and soreness we attended another class in an attempt to bring sexy back. It was so much easier to relax and enjoy it the second time around. Strip Tease really shed some light on women who dance for dollars as their livelihood; beyond being morally degrading, stripping is physically exhausting and not an easy way to make a quick buck. The moves worked out our hips, thighs and abs and our bodies required a ton of Advil the next day. Personally it was an eye opening experience; not that I deemed myself in the company of Marilyn Monroe or Sophia Loren, but there was a part of me that thought with all these curves and a hint of confidence I had to possess a little bit of sexiness. Unfortunately this class served as proof that using and moving these curves makes me look more like Shamu then Shakira. Maybe if I sign up classes and practice really hard then Cardio Strip Tease can both tone my body and teach me to be more Ginger-esque, but until then I plan on keeping my day job.

Take Me Out to the Broadway

For the record, Operation Embrace Winter was an astounding failure. The weather did not cooperate with my goals and it was impossible to enjoy winter sports that are mostly dependant on snow, something we got in December when it turned ugly and icy and stayed that way until this week. The lakes were well iced over but walking on ice with the pups was not the best idea as my husband could not join us and risk further injury to his shoulder already in a sling. Luckily the nasty, long season that is winter is almost behind us and rather then focus on my winter recreation plans that did not materialize I can communicate instead another goal that I actually completed last night. My lack of enthusiasm for living in the mid-west is well known as I yearn to be closer to family and my east coast centric view of civilization. Since moving back east is not on the immediate horizon it became necessary to embrace some of the finer things the Twin Cities has to offer. As locals know, Minneapolis is second only to New York in the number of theatre seats per capita and for me personally the accessibility of downtown is the one thing Minneapolis does have over Manhattan. Through the years we caught a production here and there but rarely with any consistency which is why we decided to purchase Broadway Across America season tickets to ensure we had 6 show dates on our calendar. This week marked the end of our subscription season and the Hennepin Theatre District saved the best for last.

The Wedding Singer was the first production on the schedule. The movie is in my top ten for romantic comedies and I was looking so forward to an evening of cheesy 80s music and a feel-good love story. Unfortunately the show left us wondering if our purchase of two tickets for 6 shows was one of the least wise investments ever made. The stage production of The Wedding Singer can be easily summed up in one word; horrible. All the music not written by Adam Sandler for the movie was left out of the show, more then likely because the rights to songs by A Flock of Seagulls, Spandau Ballet and Madonna would have sunk their production budget. Part of the movie’s appeal is the soundtrack and without those familiar songs the musical did not feel very musical. The Wedding Singer is a pretty simple movie but the chemistry between Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore was believable and instantly made the film a classic romantic comedy. The woman who played Julia was so sweet she was saccharine and Robbie had pipes but no personality. The one standout in the show was the Boy George lookalike character, George, who stole the show.

Disney’s The Lion King was the next show to roll into town. We decided to take our “niece” Sophie to see the production. We discovered in the first 30 seconds of the show that poor Sophie had a small fear of the dark and I quickly learned how skilled I was running up an aisle filled with actors dressed as animals on the African plains with a 3 and a half year old in my arms. The theatre staff got us a seat to watch the show on their hallway TV and we realized Sophie just wasn’t ready for the show and her Dad came to get her. That is where the whole Minneapolis being accessible thing really came in handy, can anyone from Long Island imagine running to Manhattan to pick up their kid so Aunt Shelf and Uncle wadE could catch the rest of the show? We did catch most of the show and it was… okay. Like most Disney shows it was visually spectacular; the costumes, the lights, the special effects. I think my disappointment was a case of high-expectations that just were not met. My only experience seeing a Disney Musical was a production of Beauty and the Beast at the Kennedy Center which was amazing. The Lion King was good but it was not as well done as other shows and the story is really not among my top Disney favorites (and you cannot believe how upset I am that the Broadway version of The Little Mermaid received terrible reviews). We did learn from very sympathetic parents in our section that we should take Sophie to the Minneapolis Children’s Theatre where the lights are always on.

Avenue Q is Sesame Street for adults, but only adults who can handle songs with somewhat uncomfortable topics and puppets having sex. Songs like “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist,” "What do you do with a B.A. in English?,” “It Sucks to be Me,” and “The Internet is for Porn” teach more valuable life lessons “C is for Cookie” or “Sign, You’re a Friend of Mine” ever could. Of course the musical did have me question what was really behind the Sesame Street classics “Rubber Duckie” and “Doin’ the Pigeon,” but I digress. We loved the show; the concept of Sesame Street for Adults, the provocative songs, the performers. The only thing we loved more then the show was the audience reaction to the show. At 32 years old we are not your average theatre patron. Playbill has a section called “The Playbill Reader” so advertisers know the type of audience they can target. The average Playbill reader is 45.9 years old, has an annual household income of $132,240 and a median home value of $476,315, so the average member of the audience was slightly appalled at some of Avenue Q’s content. The row of older women in front of us and their gasps were almost as entertaining as the show. During intermission they were talking and horrified that “Gertrude was seeing tomorrow night’s performance and she’s going to faint.” After the final curtain I was personally appalled at the number of people who got up and left without even so much as a golf clap, rude! Kudos to the writers of this edgy show, if shows don’t start looking at capturing different audiences theatre could find themselves without patrons in another 20 years.

Sweeny Todd is one of my favorite shows, and the last production I saw at the Kennedy Center was nothing short of haunting. We avoided seeing Johnny Depp’s screen version so The Husband would not have the show spoiled. The cast was amazingly talented but the show again fell short of expectations. The director’s interpretation and translation of the script was awful. The sound was off. It was hard to follow, difficult to hear and overall seemed disjointed which was a shame because the actors were Tony winners straight from Broadway which we thought would make up for a “Law and Order” free cast. Through the years we have read the Playbill and the number of actors who appeared on “Law and Order” has a direct correlation on the quality of the show; more “Law and Order” guest appearances means a better stage production. So even though the stage was packed with Tony Award winners our “Law and Order” Theory remained strong.

My Fair Lady was the one show The Husband was fighting me on, even going so far as to pawn the tickets on girlfriends who would enjoy the show more then him. I tried to persuade him to go based upon his need to expand his cultural literacy through seeing this classic and timeless show but ultimately he went because we mixed up the date on our calendar and realized about 7 hours before show time that the show was not the following week. I am happy to report that The Husband enjoyed the production which was professionally done with great costumes, stage direction and a top notch cast. We were fortunate to attend an evening where Eliza Doolittle was being played by an actress participating in a actor exchange program; she plays Eliza in the production in London’s West End. The pompous and arrogant Henry Higgins fast became a new hero of The Husband and suddenly I was being referred to as “you impudent hussy!”

Jersey Boys, the story of The Four Seasons, was a huge award winner on Broadway and some of the cast was straight from the original production. Upon entering the theatre I had an instant good laugh at the warning posted at the box office; “Jersey Boys is not recommended for children under the age of 12. The characters use coarse ‘authentic Jersey’ language throughout, and the show also includes sexual situations.” As I speak fluent “authentic Jersey” I didn’t need subtitles. Songs that are instantly recognizable does enhance the theatre experience but the intense energy of the cast and fast-paced script were nothing short of incredible. As a season ticket holder you actually begin to recognize and have conversations with other season ticket holders and by the sixth show we knew many of the people around us. The woman sitting next to me had been trying to figure out for 4 shows what actress I looked like and finally declared “Sarah Michelle Gellar” as she took her seat; we had given her that name as a possibility early in her struggle to find the name but she needed to catch some old Buffy re-runs to make the connection herself. This same woman wondered if we would enjoy the show nearly as much as the rest of the audience who had followed Frankie Valli long ago. While I’m not sure if I left the production with the same level of nostalgia felt by the baby boomers among us the songs were all recognizable; my parents are baby boomers with a love of music.

A quote from Jersey Boys which I instantly adopted as my own:

"I'm maybe the one Italian out of a hundred who's not into the drama!"
- Bob Gaudio, The Four Seasons

Before Jersey Boys we questioned whether we were going to renew next year’s subscription and much of that will have to do with what shows come to The Hennepin Theatre District, but the final show was so good that chances are good we will get some ticket package even if it is not the full season. After 6 plus years of marriage it is easy to fall into a boring routine and forget to explore all the fun in your own back yard. Buying season tickets forced us to have unique and fun date nights on our calendar and the quality of the shows, although mostly good, were not nearly as important as making sure we continue doing things that improve our quality of life and strength of our relationship.

Operation Embrace Winter

Mother Nature had the common decency to wait until November 9th before sending the first snow of winter to Twin Cities’ residents. For roughly 8 minutes puffy white flakes fell to the ground; the curtain going down on autumn’s award worthy performance. As a child the first snowfall came with excitement and anticipation of sledding, snow days, hot chocolate, snowmen and igloos. Gone are those good old days of winter enjoyment, replaced by the dread and foreboding of digging out the driveway, trekking the office parking lot in negative temperatures, going weeks without seeing sunlight, and engaging in a never ending battle with dry, cracking skin. While snow is a universal sign that winter is upon us, my own personal sign is the yearly offer from my husband granting me a no questions asked divorce; “Don’t look out the window, you’ll hate me. I don’t blame you if you want a divorce.” As tempting as the offer is looking down the long and dark tunnel of winter, there are other ways to get through this most horrible of seasons.

Devising methods to survive Minnesota’s brutal and harsh winter is an annual pastime. Plans often include steps like purchasing bulky clothes, planning several business trips to warmer locations, bringing the laptop home nightly for freak snowstorm telecommuting, and ritual application of H2O-Plus Hydrating Body Butter. Planning a tropical vacation entails a detailed study of the Farmer’s Almanac and analysis of yearly weather patterns to ensure that the coldest snap of the season occurs during the precise time you are laying on a beach sipping frosty drinks with little umbrellas in them. While all of these moves assist with surviving winter they are all the equivalent of applying a band aid to a gunshot wound; grossly inadequate treatment that does not address the larger issue.

Nature’s natural defenses against winter are misaligned with our modern world; animals, including humans, build up insulation for additional warmth and the body slips into a mild depression to induce more time asleep and away from the cold. While the cavemen probably enjoyed the extra ten pounds and the need for 12 hours a nightly rest my closet and my employer do not allow me the opportunity to indulge in these side-effects of winter. Most of the year is spent battling to lose the additional winter insulation which miraculously comes back despite all my best efforts to keep it off. It is difficult to maintain or lose weight when the body is trying to protect itself from the harsh cold. Adding to the issue is the “winter blues,” that depression that is medically known as Seasonal Affective Disorder; sometimes the only way to find happiness after weeks without sunlight is at the bottom of a bag of Trader Joe’s Peanut Butter Stuffed Chocolate Covered Pretzels. Do you think the Girl Scouts would sell nearly the number of cookies they do in August?

Due to circumstances beyond my control our annual February pilgrimage to Hawaii or the Caribbean is postponed until May, leaving my skin and sanity vulnerable to the cold and snow. Without the tropical vacation defense it is necessary to implement a new game plan. In the essence of the old adage “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” the plan for this winter is to do what most Minnesotan’s do November through April; embrace the season. If the last 7 years have taught me anything it is that the battle against winter can never be won. Like any good General would attest an important element of any war is to attack the enemy early and often. Yesterday I celebrated the season’s first snowfall with a 2 hour trip around the Minnetonka Ice Arena with a good friend, trading in our usual inline skates for original blades; step one in “Operation Embrace Winter.” Other plans include snowshoeing, cross-country skiing and tubing; all dependant on snow and lots of it giving me a reason to actually look forward to the snow. Maybe this plan will help me understand why everyone who is from here tolerates the winter so well, at the very least it will keep me from taking my husband up on his seasonal divorce offer; I don’t know how favorably the local legal system will look upon a woman leaving her husband because of the cold and I would probably lose custody of the dogs.

Top 10 things I hate about Minnesota

Although I made it well past the five years I agreed to live in Minneapolis, it is not because I fell completely head over heels about my new “home” location. Every area of the world has its own little issues that give residents reason to complain and keep the population under control. Imagine if Seattle had beautiful weather; the whole world would live there. Minnesota has many positive things going for it; however, the following list outlines the reasons why I will not retire Minnesota:

Winter
It is quite tiring to hear people talk about how easy winters are these days and how much worse they were in the early 90s, the 80s, the 70s, etc. Maybe this is how everyone deals with the miserable winters; make them out to be better then they really are. Three things make the winters in Minnesota horrible. First is the unbearable cold; there is just no way to describe the bone-chilling feeling of death that is -20F. I can still vividly recall like it was yesterday walking 6 blocks from the car to the Metrodome on an evening with a -35 wind chill reading and wishing the lord would just end the misery and take me someplace warm, and this was nearly 10 years ago. Then there is the snow which does not come until February or March, when winter is all but done in most of the world, because it is too cold to snow in January. Snow is beautiful around the Christmas holiday, not Easter. Adding insult to injury, the beauty that is fall in Minnesota, my favorite season, is cut far too short with winter coming well before the solstice and lasting beyond the Spring Equinox. The bonus issue with long harsh winters is how they destroy roads, leading to everyone's least favorite season, construction season, when roads are closed for months on end to repair winter's damage.

Mosquitoes
Jokingly known as the state bird, the lakes and humid summer conditions create the perfect breeding ground for the mosquito. Mosquitoes could easily band together and pick up small children and animals; carrying them clear cross-state. These little blood suckers grow to the size of dinner plates and their bites leave larger welts on your skin then if you were hit by a Johan Santana fastball. A good run of West Nile or worse would create a health epidemic of monumental proportions.

Hunting
Minneapolis is ranked as the 13th most “Humane City” in the United States by the American Humane Society. It is well above average in most animal-friendly indicators; few pet stores sell puppies (stores “stock” dogs through puppy mills), low number of fur shops and heavy regulations on “show-animals” like those for circuses. The one thing that drops Minneapolis to 13th in the rankings is the hunting culture that is prevalent across the state. I will never understand how people could kill animals for pleasure and live with themselves. I am from NY, we don’t shoot animals, we shoot each other; chances are the animal did not deserve it.

Minnesota Nice
Minnesotans are very nice on the outside, however, beneath the surface lies the real truth to all the smiles and niceties; Passive-Aggressiveness. Passive Aggressive is loosely defined as behavior in which damaging emotions, especially anger, are expressed indirectly through negative conduct and disguised resistance to the demands or expectations of others. No matter how upset, angered, frustrated or pissed-off a native Minnesotan gets at a person they remain stoically silent, avoid showing their unhappiness and even go so far as appearing agreeable to the person or actions that get their panties in a bunch. Locals will sit and watch a light change green a dozen times and never use their horn to wake the person in front of them up. A co-worker will make a bad decision and no one will say anything to correct them, instead complaining to others in the meeting after the meeting without fixing the situation. Any sign of directly expressing your opinion or speaking your mind is considered rude. As you can imagine, being from a passionate Italian-American New York family, where survival is based on your ability to stand your ground, makes me much (Minnesota) different then everyone around me and the transition to living amongst the passive-aggressiveness very (Minnesota) interesting.

I'll be home for Christmas
I grew up in a close-knit family with my parents and two sisters, only about 2 miles away from my Grandmother, aunts and most of my cousins. Those in the family who were not within the 2 mile radius could be reached in less than 30 minutes. While most of my family still lives within an easy drive of each other, I live over 1000 miles away. I am fortunate to make it home for most major holidays and a few other visits during the year, but what I miss is Sunday dinners, popping in unannounced for coffee, meeting close friends and family for a beer at the local watering hole, random family events and casual BBQs. It is very hard to see the life you once had disappear and everyone going on without you; people all but forgetting to include you in events because they assume you will not be in town. I really cannot say I hate Minnesota, I just hate that it is so far away from those I love.

Scandinavian Beauties
Growing up in a community dominated by those of Southern European descent made being a 5’ 9’’ blonde with blue eyes incredibly fun. It is easy to stand out in a crowd when most of those around you are a half a foot shorter. Mostly everyone comes from a Scandinavian, Baltic or German background; they are tall, blonde, fair and beautiful. Frankly suddenly being average is quite annoying.

Cliques
93% of the people who are born in Minnesota die in Minnesota, with most spending all the time between their birth and death solidly planted within the state boundaries. This situation allows natives to develop incredible longtime friendships but makes it quite difficult to be a transplant. Luckily I am married to a Minnesotan and his friends have let me in their inner circle, but most are not so fortunate to have this avenue to break in and make friends.

Family Friendliness
To say the taxes in Minnesota are high is like saying Brittany Spears is going through a little rough patch. We pay state and local governments through the nose but in return get America’s best schools, plenty of parkland filled with playgrounds, locally subsidized after school programs and enrichment activities. All wonderful things if you have children, which I do not. So my taxes rarely support things that I could actually use like better roads (you should just see the disgrace of the street I live on), a local dog park (Minnetonka is surrounded by cities with dog parks but does not have their own!), and adequate public transportation. Just to go off a little more on the tax situation I still cannot believe that taxes do not include trash pickup (have to hire that yourself), sewers or streetlights (which we pay for additionally as well even though we have neither on our block).

Land Locked
Lakes are pretty, but nothing beats the feeling of water as far as the eye can see, the smell of salt and miles and miles of sandy beaches. When my life becomes overwhelming with mounting responsibilities and issues I am overcome by a feeling of claustrophobia; like the walls of the world closing in on me. My cure when living by the ocean was simple; take a walk on the beach or sit on a rock overlooking the open water and enjoy the beauty of the sea. Calmness displaces insanity the instant you breathe in the ocean air, listen to waves crashing against the shoreline and feel sand tickle your toes. Without that release, I am unable to break a feeling of entrapment.

Where’s the Deli
Oh, how I miss a good NY deli; a place where you can order a mile high made-to-order pepperoni sandwich on crusty bread with all the fixings, a good potato salad, a fresh kosher dill pickle, a pound of deli meat, piping hot knishes, homemade rice pudding, a full chicken dinner, the newspaper, a 6-pack of beer and a lottery ticket. A few places outside the northeast have attempted to call themselves a deli, but they always fall short. As a self-proclaimed “foodie” I miss both the convenience and quality of deli food the most, followed closely by Italian bakeries, pizza joints that sell amazing pizza by the slice, good Chinese food that delivers and Wise potato chips. Lucky for me alot of this is easily solved with frequent trips home and very big luggage.

Pack and Prejudice

Minneapolis City and Minnesota State officials responded to recent dog attacks with a proposal that would ban so called “dangerous” dogs from the city limits. These types of laws are becoming increasingly common in the United States as lawmakers attempt to respond to a few high-profile dog attacks. As an animal lover and dog owner I find breed discrimination laws that bar the ownership of certain breeds both offensive and misplaced. The problem of dog attacks is overblown and targeting a breed is not going to solve anything, targeting irresponsible dog owners will.

Legislators in Minneapolis are looking for a ban on any dog, pure or mixed, with the following breeds in their lineage; Rottweiler, Akita, Chow Chow, Wolf and all Pit Bull Terrier types. Different breeds are classified as dangerous in different cities and states with Doberman Pinchers, Rhodesian Ridgebacks, German Shepherds, Huskies and Malamutes on other banned lists. The lack of consistency on defining dangerous breeds demonstrates that it is not breed characteristics but individual issues and incidents experienced in an area that cause certain animals to be singled out. Like humans discriminate against certain races and ethnicities due to the actions of a small subset of the population, canines experience their own breed discrimination due to the actions of individual animals. Not every black man is a murderer, not every Middle Eastern man is a terrorist, and not every Rottweiler is dangerous.

Certain breeds are more notorious for being dangerous because of what people are doing with those breeds. “Breeders” are purposely adding aggressive qualities into their lineage for a variety of purposes, including dog-fighting and protection for drug dealers. Banning these animals will just have people looking to tinker with other breeds to create a new class of dog-fighting and attack dogs. It would not be long before these groups would determine how to create mean animals out of a current docile but large breed like a Labrador Retriever or a Great Dane.

The recent incident in Minneapolis involving a 7-year old child who was killed by a male pit bull used for breeding that was chained in the basement was a terrible tragedy but screams family involvement in the dog-fighting industry or other types of crime. The public outcry is to ban the breed yet no one is closely investigating why the father would have such a dangerous dog in the house and a gun available and ready to shoot the animal. Any responsible parent would understand what that animal was capable of and would not have the dog in the home with their children. The dog did not kill the child; the father is responsible for the death of his son and should be investigated on why he was breeding such a dangerous and dominant dog.

Responsible dog owners understand their role within society to raise a well behaved animal that does not hurt or kill small children. Far too many people jump into dog ownership without the acknowledgement of what their responsibility is with the animal. Dogs need vaccinations to protect the humans from dangerous diseases. Dogs need their waste picked up to protect the community from dangerous bacteria in the water supply. Dogs need training and socialization to protect people and animals from dangerous behaviors. Dogs cannot vaccinate themselves or pick up after themselves, and they certainly cannot train themselves to be well-behaved. Owners are solely responsible for the behavior of their pets and having a lager or stronger breed comes with an extra set of responsibilities; not taking the initiative to train a large dog is just as dangerous as purposely training them to kill. My Mother’s Dog Roxie was going to be put to sleep as a puppy because she was a dreaded Rottweiler/Doberman mix. With good, strict parenting Roxie is now a dog you would trust with an infant, but would probably kill any stranger if they tried to hurt my mother; exactly what a guard dog should do.

There are laws currently on the books that put responsibility on breeders to curb aggressiveness and owners to train and control their animals, yet legislators are still targeting the dogs themselves in their efforts to cut down animal attacks for simple reasons; it is easier and cheaper to ban a breed then it is to enforce owner responsibility laws. Banning certain breeds is a temporary cure that does not target the root causes of dog attacks; eventually other breeds will fill in the market for aggressive dogs. If lawmakers want to really do something about dog attacks, they should focus on the following:

• Enact a nationwide ban on dog-fighting to stop one major reason people breed aggressive animals.
• Shut down backyard breeding operations put in place to supply fighting and attack dogs.
• Enforce pet responsibility laws.

Ultimately the issue made over dog attacks is a reaction to a few incidents that have caught media attention. There are roughly 18 deaths each year in the United States resulting from a dog attack. Compare the number of animal attack victims with the 12,000 gun related homicides and 1000 accidental gun related deaths each year and it really appears that legislators have larger issues to combat that could save more lives. Heck, over 300 people die every year drowning in their bathtub, are lawmakers considering a ban on baths?

Breed discrimination laws are proposed frequently across the world. Check your local animal rights groups to see if any proposals are on the table for your city. For those in Minnesota, an online petition is in place to voice concern over the breed ban proposed for the 2008 session.

Dog-Friendly Days of Summer

One of the many things to love about Paris, and much of the rest of Europe, is their love of long evenings enjoying meals at cafes and restaurants, surrounded by the love and companionship of their furry friends. Pet owners in the United States, where most health codes prohibit animals from entering a restaurant, do not enjoy the same luxury. Fifi can enjoy a peaceful dinner at a café beside her loving owner in Paris, but Fido has to stay home anytime his parents want to grab a bite to eat, that is, except in the summer. Many restaurants are taking full advantage of health codes allowing pets to join their owners on patios, decks and rooftops to capitalize on the growing pet-friendly market.

The following is a small list of some of the Twin Cities Pet Friendly Dining options for dogs and their humans. Allowing animals is at the discretion of the restaurant and can be changed at any time, so please call ahead to assure the establishment is still allowing animals. It is also important to remember to only take a well behaved and socialized dog that can quietly enjoy the sites and smells of al fresco dining; you do not want to bring the animal that causes management to change their tune. Summers are far too short so get out there and enjoy!

Minneapolis:

• View Restaurant & Bar: 2730 W Lake St, Lake Calhoun
• The Tin Fish: 300 Calhoun Parkway East, Lake Calhoun
• Cafe Barbette: 1600 W. Lake St., Uptown
• Isle's Bun & Coffee Company: 1424 W 28th St, Uptown
• Lucia's Restaurant and Wine Bar: 1432 W. 31st St., Uptown
• Moose & Sadie's: 212 Third Ave N Ste 210, Warehouse District
• Spoonriver: 750 S. Second St., Mill City
• Kafe 421: 421 14th Avenue S.E., Dinkytown
• Loring Pasta Bar: 327 14th Ave. SE, Dinkytown
• Joe's Garage: 1610 Harmon Pl., Downtown (rooftop patio)
• Town Hall Brewery: 1430 Washington Ave. So. Seven Corners
• Mannings Café: 2200 Como Av SE, Minneapolis
• Café Maude: 5411 Penn Ave. S., South Minneapolis
• Urban Bean Coffee Shop: 3255 Bryant Ave S, South Minneapolis
• Great Harvest Bread Co: 4314 Upton Ave S, Minneapolis

St. Paul:

• Coffee News Café: 1662 Grand Ave., St. Paul

The Suburbs:

• McCoy's Public House: 3801 Grand Way, St. Louis Park, Excelsior & Grand
• Sage Market and Wine Bar: 730 Main St., Mendota Heights
• Tasteful Table: 200 E. Chestnut St., Stillwater

Please leave a comment if you have a pet-friendly patio dining option to add to the list, or to report if a restaurant is no longer serving our furry friends.

Carpe Vita

During disasters we are naturally drawn to the stories of those who lived to tell their tales of survival; our instinct to celebrate human triumph over tragedy. Personal accounts of those narrowly escaping death, fighting to live and rescuing strangers, narratives of human strength, perseverance and fortitude, act as the coping mechanism necessary to move on with life. We each move on. Remember the days following the events of September 11th when no one thought the world would continue to spin? It did; we all did. We all spun right back into the routines of our everyday lives without learning the most important lessons these catastrophic events can teach us.

Last week, many around the world asked themselves “who do I know in Minnesota” and if their answer to that question was anything other then “no one” then they placed a call, sent a text or wrote an email. We instinctively reach out to those we know to ensure they are okay, even if eons passed since the prior conversation. The phone is picked up and dialed without hesitation; no thoughts on the amount of time the call might take, if the other person will be mad for the number of years since you last spoke, worrying of bothering someone during time with their family, or the countless other excuses we routinely use to avoid calling our friends and family. Bad news means we have no excuse to reach out and show we care. After the news becomes old, we return to the hustle and bustle of our lives, forgetting once again to keep the communication channels open with those we care about.

Whether you were in or around New York after the terrorist attacks, lived the path of a natural disaster, felt the tremors of California, resided in Minnesota after last week’s bridge collapse or been anywhere by a terrible world event, you learned the experience of being on the receiving end of the “are you okay” call. We hardly take the time to reflect on the importance of these phone calls as their numbers become as overwhelming as the experience that brought them on. Calls and messages of concern come out of nowhere as people we may forget show us they did not forget us. Through all these messages of concern and relief, we miss the biggest message of them all; the impact made on someone’s life that makes us important enough to call.

After devastating events, we recognize the real fortunes we have in our lives; our friends and family. It is not our possessions or careers that define our place and path in the world; it is our relationships and experiences. For a short time we remember to spend time with those we love, to let others know they are on our minds, and to accomplish things we want to do before we die. These are the times when we often quote an unnamed friend of Paul Tsongas, "No man ever said on his deathbed, 'I wish I had spent more time at the office.’” Unfortunately, this lesson is very short-lived. Time marches on and so do we; falling back into our routines and forgetting what we learned in the face of disaster. We begin putting work over family, stop calling friends, forget birthdays and anniversaries, neglect to tell people they are loved, forgo traveling, put off reading a good book and make excuses for putting everything ahead of the people in our lives.

If you watched TV this week, you heard the stories of human survival, but the most important lesson we can learn during these times is never delivered; life is not about surviving, it is about living. Most will never need the lesson we were delivered on surviving a sinking car, but we all could use but we all use a refresher course on how to live life:

• Pick up the phone and call your friends and family in good times and in bad.
• Know the people who care about you, and put them all at the top of your priority life.
• Carpe Vita... Seize Life!
  

Minneapolis Bridge Collapse Tragedy

During the bumper-to-bumper evening rush hour on Wednesday, August 1, 2007, the 8 lane I-35W Bridge in Minneapolis spanning the Mississippi River collapsed, crushing cars and sending countless vehicles and people plummeting into the water. This horrible tragedy is one that has left the entire area and nation shaken with disbelief, paralyzed with the images of twisted steel, crushed concrete and vehicles submerged in the water. Terrorist activity has all been ruled out, but the impact of the catastrophe is no less painful then if someone purposely attacked the bridge; an unknown number of people are dead, many hurt, and a major road and shipping channel closed causing economic impact that this area has never experienced.

Minneapolis is a “small big city,” even with nearly 3 million people in the Twin Cities metro, it is a lot like Cheers; everybody knows your name. Unlike most of the United States experiencing increased transience of their residents as they move for other pastures, Minnesota remains a place where people continue to embrace neighborhood, friends and family. I often tease my husband and other friends that Minnesota ranks only second to Hawaii as the least migratory state; Over 90% of the people who are born here live their entire lives in the state. But this dedication to the state gives the people of the Twin Cities much of the same strength, fortitude, spirit, camaraderie and determination shown after the September attacks that made me very proud to be a New Yorker. Although the first reaction is always, “this kind of stuff doesn’t happen here,” it has happened here, and the people here will band together to get through this horrible time.

6 Fetuses is not God’s Choice

Human Interest stories on mothers giving birth to 4, 5, 6 or more babies glamorize medical malpractice as a modern miracle. Media images of tiny little babies born way too early are commonplace as we the public are fed tales of the love and sacrifice these parents make to bring these children into the world. All too often the message must shift from the wonder of birth to the pain and suffering these families experience when their babies are unable to survive outside the womb, or live to face a lifetime of mental and physical issues as a result of their early entrance into the world. While my heart goes out to anyone who experiences the pain of losing a child, I cannot help but question the doctors who push the limits of fertility treatments and the parents whose suffering is a direct result of their choice to move forward with such a risky pregnancy when there is so much that can be done to prevent this kind of tragedy.

The biggest issue I have with parents of high multiple births is the excuse we hear over and over on their decision to move forward with having so many babies. The term “God’s Will” is thrown around as the rationale not to selectively reduce the pregnancy, even when that decision would ultimately give the remaining fetuses a better shot at a normal and healthy life. Any person who finds themselves in the position of making this choice gave up on God’s will the moment they moved forward with fertility treatments. God’s will was not for these individuals to conceive that many babies, God’s will was apparently for them not to conceive at all and they went against that with seeking fertility treatments.

Parents choosing to move forward with these multiple births are often described as selfless in their decision. What is selfless about choosing something so risky that the lives of the babies are instantly at risk? As photos stream of these babies hooked to machines, fighting for their lives, there is little mention as to how much pain they are suffering with every movement and breath. If the babies are able to make it through their first year, when the media fanfare of their birth has subsided, they face a lifetime of medical and mental issues. The “selfless” decision to move forward with a high risk multiple birth is nothing but a selfish act by the parents who cannot make a difficult decision for the good of the babies, a decision to give the children a chance at a healthy life.

With all the human interest around these multiple births, there is a noticeable lack of discussion and debate on the ethics and legality of the matter. Some states have made it a crime to drink during pregnancy, equating fetal alcohol syndrome to fetal abuse. Women who make the decision to smoke or have a drink while pregnant are openly ostracized in public as harming their unborn child. There are hundreds of programs aimed at providing everyone prenatal care to reduce the number of complications and give all children the very best start in life. Noticeably lacking are discussions and debate on the ethics and legality of willingly putting babies in jeopardy by choosing to carry a large number of fetuses.

Our “family focused” culture pushes people to pursue all means possible to conceive, forcing many into choosing fertility treatments without encouraging or accepting other available paths. Our society demeans and discriminates against the childfree, making the decision to pursue a life without parenting challenging beyond even just the sadness of being unable to have children. A variety of factors discourage people from becoming parents through adoption rather then medicine. The bureaucracy and expense make adoption for some impossible. Adoption is not considered or pursued by many due to cultural or religious stigmas that still exist. However, there are many who go forward with dangerous fertility procedures and treatments because they are unwilling to raise a child who is not of their own blood. I fully question whether those who belong to this camp should be raising children at all.

This week, the babies known as the Morrison 6 of St. Louis Park, Minnesota, lost another sibling. Born after only 22 weeks of gestation, only one child remains with the other 5 succumbing to the hardships of being born 4 ½ months premature. While this is a tragedy for the poor children who suffered in pain, and the last child who fighting for his life without his wombmates, I have trouble feeling for any couple who purposely puts the lives of their babies at risk by making the decision to have 6 children. Like many who make the decision to move ahead with the risk, the Morrison’s website explains their decision with the following reason; “We understand that the risk is high, but we also understand that these little ones are much more than six fetuses. Each one of them is a miracle given to us by God.” The 6 “little miracles” were unfortunate victims of a medical mistake, not God. God would never give a woman more fetuses then she could carry, as he did not mean for us to birth litters.

Top 10 things I love about the Twin Cities

It is important to enjoy where you live and choose a location for reason other then a job or relationship. Admittedly, it took me a while to warm up (excuse the pun) to what Minnesota had to offer after relocating here from New York. After 7 years, I have found things I ♥ about living here (although I do miss my family tons):

Accessibility: People from California always comment on how they can go to the beach during the day and the mountains that same night. People from New York can go to the shore during the day, a Broadway show at night and then dance until dawn. What no one ever says is just how infrequently anyone ever does those things because they are traffic, time or cost prohibitive. The Twins Cities have so much going for it; major sports teams, music venues, more theatre seats per capita then any other city then New York, world-renown museums, highly rated restaurants, lakes, creeks, rivers and parks. What sets the cities apart from other places is not just how much there is to do, but how accessible it is. We have season tickets to the Vikings and the theatre. We see at least 5 Twins games a year and have been to a Twins post-season game with each playoff year. We get our vegetables, plants and flowers from a farmer’s market. I can take a bike path to work and go inline skating or walk the dogs around a lake a few times a week. Not only can all this fun happen it does happen. Ask a New Yorker when the last time they could get tickets to a playoff game or where they are on the list for season tickets.

The other side of Europe: Growing up in a section of Long Island dominated by Southern Europeans, the restaurants and culture were heavily Italian and Portuguese influenced. Moving to Minnesota exposed me to food, events and celebrations inspire by Northern and Eastern Europe. I feel like I’m now discovering the other side of my genealogy, visiting Gastov’s for German music and dancing, the Black Forest Inn for the best German food I have ever tasted and Kramarczuk’s Eastern European deli for pirogues and kolachi. We light Swedish Christmas trees and celebrate Oktoberfest. Prosit!

This is where all the size 12’s are: We have all heard that the average size for a woman in the United States is a size 12, which means that there are women bigger then that as well. One other side product in growing up amongst Southern Europeans is their propensity to be small and petite, especially in their youth. After spending most of my life ashamed of my curves, surrounded by a sea of size 0’s and 2’s who barely broke 5 feet tall, I am now encircled with a society of taller, curvier women. There are more clothes in longs. There are more size 10 shoes on the shelves. There are fewer people giving you evil stares when consuming a hamburger. Finally, I can fully embrace my connection to Mae West and her following quote; “cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.”


Fall: Minnesota’s fall foliage rivals any in New England and the season seems to last forever. The colors are vibrant, the smells intoxicating and the air invigorating. There is nothing I like to do more in the fall then take a drive down to the Fireside Orchard, aka Apples Cider Cheese Fudge, for a walk through the orchard, hot apple cider and the best caramel covered apples made anywhere. A walk or drive anywhere will reveal trees colorfully reflecting their leaves in any one of the 10,000 (or so) lakes. It is just too bad this beautiful season is ruined by the next one.


Lakes: Although I still miss the pounding sounds of the ocean growing up close to Long Island’s Jones Beach, the sheer number of lakes gives locals an unlimited number of options for how to enjoy them. Our dogs Luna and Solei routinely visit Lake Calhoun and Shady Oak Lake for refreshing dips in the water. We enjoy relaxing at a bar or boating with friends on Lake Minnetonka. And once a year, I enjoy roughly 2 hours of time on the mother of all lakes, Lake Superior, as I participate in the Northshore Inline Marathon.

The Job Market: 18 companies on the Fortune 500 list call the Twin Cities their home; Target, UnitedHealth Group, Best Buy, St. Paul Travelers, 3M, SuperValu, US BanCorp, Northwest Airlines, CHS, General Mills, Medtronic, Xcel Energy, Land O’Lakes, Thrivent Financial, CH Robinson Worldwide, Nash Finch, Ecolab and Mosaic. This puts the area fourth in the list of Fortune 500 cities behind New York, Chicago and Houston. Minnesota also has the lowest rate of unemployment among major metropolitan areas in the United States. Not bad for those of us who have to work for a living.

“Life in the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul offers an exceptional balance of educational and cultural advantages coupled with easy access to rural and natural areas. The Twin Cities has consistently ranked among the top five Best Places to Live by Money Magazine among 300 American cities. The Twin Cities consistently receive high marks for the local economy, public education, health care, the arts, and progressive government. It also has been ranked as having the sixth highest standard of living and sixth lowest cost of living among major U.S. metropolitan areas. A 2004 University of Wisconsin survey ranked Minneapolis as America's most literate city; in 2003, Cranium ranked Minneapolis as America's most fun city…”
– From the University of Minnesota “Life in the Twin Cities”

My home is my castle: 3200 square feet on .4 acres adjacent to protected land, 5.1 miles from my office and 12 minutes from downtown. Although housing is much more expensive then those outside the area would think, I would need to win the lottery to get anywhere near a house like this in my hometown of Carle Place, NY. Even with all the money in the world I couldn’t find a beautiful house in a quaint, wooded neighborhood minutes from downtown anywhere else; it just does not exist.

The Minnesota State Fair: Also known as “The Great Minnesota Get-together,” this fair is recognized as the largest and most well attended state fair. Those from outside Minnesota probably question whether their state actually holds a fair, displaying how most fairs are ramping or shutting down to do poor attendance. The state fair is engrained in the culture and a real testament to the pride residents have for their home state. For many, this is a family tradition, and every generation passes down the fun of eating fried meats on a stick, attending concerts of aging has-beens, riding on questionably safe amusement rides, visiting a 4-H barn and running into half the people you went to grammar school with. This might sound miserable to those who have never attended, but take it from this city girl, it is a whole lot of fun to witness this much Americana.

Dog Friendly: While I hear Colorado is the most Dog Friendly state in the union, I cannot complain too much about the level of recreation locations and amenities available for my pooches. Our dogs have acres and acres of fenced play area available to them in the number of dog parks we have around us. Bodies of water for them to splash and swim are numerous, although I do await a ticket for letting my vicious schnoodles offleash in some human lakes. We also have their favorite store, Lulu and Luigi’s, catering to their fine palates with special treats. We have yet to attend, but look forward to spoiling our dogs and ourselves with swanky beverages at the Millennium Hotel’s “Yappy Hour.” All the stores, services and amenities available to our puppies could be found in their favorite magazine, TC Dogs, a free monthly publication dedicated to their needs.

Hotties: If you have a thing for the All-American look; tall, blonde, wholesome “boy/girl next door,” then this is your place. My mother told me from the time I was young that “If you want to find a tall, blonde hair, blue eyed Lutheran boy, you have to go to Minnesota.” What she did not know is not only were they good looking and Lutheran, they were also pretty smart, highly educated and well read; a huge plus in my book! She misses me a lot, but I did exactly what she told me to do; I found the tall, blonde, blue eyed boy from Minnesota and I married him.